My friends -- tell me, is this the way I will be for the rest of my days? When will the pain subside? When will I be able to go for a day without thinking of this? The nightmares are back. The feeling of hopelessness is taking over - again. Will I ever be happy again? Am I doomed to be cynical and untrusting of people forever? At one point I felt that I was having some up days -- but lately, only down. Bitter. Angry. These are not adjectives I have ever used to describe myself. Is the me I used to know gone?
Like the Terminator! I know it is so painful right now. Please try to have faith in yourself and know if you can have a good day in the middle of all this that more will come. You have survived so many bad days that you will also survive this one. Take a deep breath and think of something else. Just get your brain off of it for just one minute. Think of yellow flowers blowing in the breeze of a big meadow and you are sitting in the middle of it breathing fresh air. Enjoy that one moment. Later on try it for a little longer. And, know that if you can have a minute or two of peace that you will enjoy whole hours and whole days again.
As is so often said on here, this is part of the roller coaster ride of A recovery. Yes, you will up days. Yes, you will have down days. They follow one after the other; up and down, up and down.
Hopefully over time the downs won't go so deep and the ups will go a little higher. Eventually, we hope to level out for the most part, though an occassional dip or sudden rise will hit us.
The thing to remember is that it won't always be this way. You won't always feel this much pain. The human brain seems incapable of hanging on to that much pain for too long. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Good, because it gives us a break. Bad, because when the break is over we are hit with the full force of our pain afresh.
Keep your faith that good times will return. Post when you feel most hopeless. We are here for you.
Here is my perspective, after 2 years, and with a very remorseful H.
Most of year 1, I was very raw and thought about it, talked about it, ached about it for most of the day. Sometimes, I would be distracted by work, the kids, a movie and feel some relief but then remembered there was something wrong - and then the horror of it all would hit me. Sleep? Impossible without medication. Pornographic movies played in my head around the clock.
At the same time,as our M was healing, I felt tremendous joy and elation that we had re-discoverd eachtother and were establishing a better relationship. My H's A's happened over a 7 year period so there was much to recover from.
At about 1.5 years, there was an important shift - I stopped wanting to dig around in the filth and dirt of those years. I realized there was nothing really to salvage. My life was not what I thought it was, I hated myself for putting up with his neglect and cruelty and he didn't really love me. For me, love is not just an idea - it is how you treat treat the person you love. And, he treated me with anything but love.
Now, as we approach 2 years, I find that I think about it many times during the day but in a different way. Usually, it is more with sadness and regret than with the fury and howling paina of the early days. However, there are still times, fewer and farther between, where the rage and pain overwhelms me with great force and I want to scream out, lash out.
Yes, I think we are all changed. For me, I am no longer trusting and have a much less optimistic view of the world. In some ways, I think it is better - my former view was immature - I believed in fairytales and white knights and the world is just not like that.
Most importantly, I know that I will never allow myself to be treated the way I was and for me, that is huge and wonderful.
