This weekend my son had a soccer tournament. In between games, I took him to eat. As we sat there, I saw an elderly couple sitting behind us. I looked at the lady and she reminded me of my mom (my mom is still alive). That is why she caught my attention. Then I looked at her husband and thought to myself, "I want to grow old with my husband". As I continued to watch them, I noticed that they didn't even converse with each other. The old man drank his coffee (kept getting up for more)and the lady continued to read the paper. Then I thought, "Will that be H and I in the future? No conversation? AAhhh...scary!". I also noticed that the old lady was wearing a wedding ring and the old man wasn't. Of course that lead me to think what their history was all about and how they made it so far (if it was their first marriage). Anyway, I'm not sure what the whole point of this post is. AAAAHHHHH!!!
I'm thinking I am going to be that older woman sitting there all alone. And I wonder if I am better off alone anyway. When I met H I had made a resolution regarding my independence after my first marriage ended, and I wasn't afraid of being alone forever.
H came after ME. H pushed for marriage. H wanted this (it seemed) more than I did. H pretty much swept me off of my feet.
<<<H came after ME. H pushed for marriage. H wanted this (it seemed) more than I did. H pretty much swept me off of my feet.
Now this.>>>
My situation, too. Doesn't that get to you?? How could our H's be sooo in love with us and then betray us? Maybe they just love that rush of early innfatuation.
And my husband took off his wedding ring during his A. He better keep his ring on as we grow older!
Unbelievable -- same thing...granted, my H and I were young...but I broke up with him and he stalked me, chased me... we ended up getting back together and at the time i had already planned to go abroad for a few months. H met up with me and proposed. We then had a four year engagement.
Ya know what my H is telling me now -- "i felt trapped. I felt like i didn't choose to be in this M. Everything happened so fast."
Huh? You are telling me this after 6 great yrs of M? Hmmm...or are you telling yourself this to justify your A?
Is it all about the chase?
And what is it about the terms "married" and "husband" that make things suddenly turn different and feel trapping?
Grrr
This message has been edited by Ka18 on Aug 6, 2007 7:05 AM
I do that too - notice the actions between people more now. I see couples and think that is what I would want and then see some and think I am better off where I am at now.
I think I am much more aware of things today then pre A's. Maybe that is a good thing???
Hugs to you,
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
I'm always looking at couples and the way they interact. I will never be in a relationship again where there is very little communication and affection. I’ve learned and grown so much since D day (all 4 of them) and my divorce that I finally know with crystal clarity what I want in a relationship. One day I wish to be one of those older couples that you see laughing, holding hands and having a great time together.
You know, that is what is so screwy with the whole marriage and relationship thing. Everyone wants to have affection and love, conversation and happiness, romance and excitemnet, honesty and trust. Why does it get so complicated?
Many of us know that a relationship takes work for it to continue to grow. It doesn't just happen!!! This is what I have told my H and this is what pisses me off! But because it comes from me, he doesn't listen. I ask him questions about the A and he says he wants/wanted someone who wanted to have fun and try new things. So I asked him what new things? All he did with OW (if he is being honest) is go to lunch a few times and have sex with her 2 times during his 30 minute lunch hour in his car. We use to do the same kinds of things when we were first together. Does he think that I don't miss that excitment and craziness too? I guess our relationship was just not exciting enough for him anymore. It became reality and to make it more "exciting", it would have taken work from both of us. We get what we put into our relationship and let's face it, when kids come into the picture, you need to plan the time to do things together. I will say that having kids has been the best thing in my life and if I had to do it all over again, even if it would cost me my M, I would do nothing different. They were not asked to be brought into this ugly world and since they were, they are my priority and responsibility to raise them into good, honest people. H is a grown man and has a voice in which to speak his needs and wants. Maybe since his mom raised him with different sitters all the time, he turned out to be the way he is.... a selfish lier who needed the attention of his mother.
From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I was physically tired and nauseated. Then the kids came and I was just tired (let's not mentioned working full time in a classroom with 6 year olds). H was working late at night so when I got home, I was basically a single parent of a newborn and a toddler. He could of planned some "fun and different" things if that's what he wanted/needed. I needed to sleep, but would of done what he wanted to do if he would of planned it. He never followed through. Shouldn't marriage be when one stops/slows down on doing something, the other should cover? Isn't it about teamwork and partnership?
Ohh boy....I just vomited all over this board. I do have to say I feel a little better. Sorry if I offended anyone here. Sometimes when we spew, we get it on a few people.
Two things spring to mind here. Firstly I believe we can all enter into a marriage hoping/ expecting more than is real from the spouse ie we can place great expectations on to the spouse. One thing I did was to believe in a deep close relationship and understanding from wife. The truth is that she was not in that place and I was the fool for that. This is one way that my strong belief got in the way of the reality of our relationship. From this she sometimes perhaps felt I did not understand her at exactly the times I was feeling the same thing. Surprise surprise then when the reality was just that! The error of my ways was to hold up that ideal view in my mind. Foolish me then. Our spouses cannot be super-people. Sure we expect them not to cheat on us but I can see where my own expectations, however good and even "normal" they were are really dangerous delusions. And the potential advantage of the outcome of an A could be that both sides can see the reality... Then the question is whether living the reality is going to make us happy isn't it. This is where I am at and it feels really quite scary in fact.
I have seem many couples sitting and not talking...makes it sad to see... but then sometime they walk out holding hands..
I also think that many couples..H's to be precise just don't know what to do ...so they do nothing..as far as activities go...my son-in law's tells me that he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't in making dinner plans...so he did nothing.. he is doing planning now LOL...there are no marriage courses that are required for getting married to teach us what is expected...your H may not have seen his father plan things... things may have been planned by his mother...so in turn he may expect you to plan things for both of you to do...
My H just decided that we will go out to dinner every Wed... but I have to decide where we will go this Wed..
Jetta we all are so much aware of the people around us...and venting is healthy!!
((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
But in all seriousness you speak the truth. Your H has a voice to express his needs, and it takes two to keep a marriage going and growing. When one stops expressing their needs and "gives up" on the relationship in silence, it does indeed lead to the slippery slope. Like your H, my WH didnt think marriage should be work and that I should be a mind reader. His views of marriage and love are very immature and unrealistic. Even when I would out-right ask WH what his needs were and to talk to me, I was met with silence. I could not force him to talk to me. At that point communication is nonexistent! Without being able to talk about anything and share our thoughts and feelings nothing got better. But I refuse to take responsibility for my WH's inability to share himself with me. He has intimcay issues, which have nothing to do with me and he needs to work on these in IC (and hopefully he is).
I talked to my IC about how I dont feel I was as exciting as OW(she was single and smoked pot with him)and how I feel I can never compete with the druggie lifestyle. An A really zaps your self esteem! My IC said that you dont need to compete. That WH needs to make a choice. Does he want to lead the "single/party" life or does he want a "wife/family". Both can be equally exciting and it is all in the "wanting" and doing whatever it takes to make it happen. What does H really want? A cakeman wants both and that is the fantasy! But in reality you have to make a choice and compromise. There is nothing that says that you cannot get the same excitement from your marriage, but like you said, that would require actual work. But my WH doesnt feel marriage should be work. So it is obvious why he chose to have an A instead. But eventually an A becomes work too. You have to keep up the lies on both side to keep both the A and the M going. That's gotta be hard, right? I dont think they really think about that when the A starts. Which is why they compartmentalize! It just all seems so easy and effortless, and just seems to flow, and it feels so good although you know it's wrong (but that illictness just add fuel to the fire). That's cause there are no kids in the A (in my case), or bills in the A, and no day to day grind! Otherwise what would be the point right?
What's my point? LOL. We all make choices. We are all responsible for our own choices. And we cannot control what others choose to do. Life is not always what we expect it to be but if we are honest and true to ourselves we make the best of it, and do our best not to hurt others in the process. At least that's how I look at it, lol.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Did you ever see the movie "Two for the Road" with Albert Finney and Audrey Hepburn (or am I showing my age here?)? There's a scene when Audrey and Albert as a young couple who have just fallen in love look at an older couple in a restaurant who are sitting not talking. She says "What kind of people don't talk to each other?" and he says "Married people". It's his reason for not getting married. Of course you find later in the movie that the older couple were also Audrey and Albert (it's that kind of movie) and it's a comment on the way relationships evolve. My H and I sometimes don't talk much when we're out together, but it's comfortable and companionable. When he was having the affair, when I knew something was wrong but not what, I used to talk to fill in the gaps. I'd save up things to tell him when we were going to be alone together, because I wanted him to find me interesting and attractive. It was very artificial and stressful and I'm happier now with being OK with being quiet if that's how the mood takes us.
BTW, studies have shown that women say 6 words for every one said by men. We are talkers!!!
