Dear Susan—

Today, Friday, all the way on the other side of the country, I am celebrating you.

For you, this day is a marker in time when everything changed. We all understand how the events that claimed this day out of your life may cloud the skies, and make you catch your breath. But in those harder moments that may challenge or threaten you today, please know that on the opposite shore I am here thinking of my friend, Susan:

A woman of strength,
courage,
patience,
fortitude,
opinions,
hope,
faith,
love,
honor,
dedication,
commitment, and
inspiration.

A woman who turned her life around. She may still be in the process of molding it and shaping it to her liking. She is still a work in progress (aren’t we all?). You, Susan, have been a mentor and guide and friend, and I am so grateful for the wisdom that you’ve shared, and for how you’ve held my hand along my own path. And so, today, especially today, I am celebrating you.

(Have a good time with your friends and H at dinner— I hope that crazy NY weather has calmed and cooled down) (((((((((hugs)))))))))) BlueIris


"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Interesting slip, eh? I typed in your "handle" as selfesteem"maker" instead of "seeker". I'm not sure where you are in the process, Susan. You and I know that its transitional and there are good days and bad, but I found it interesting that I see you in a position of "making" instead of "seeking". Just made me smile. Again, you are on my mind today. Be well. Be strong. Be happy. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Dearest Blue,
I am so touched that you have been thinking about me and so flattered by your words. I am actually getting to the stage where I think some of it is true.

I am very glad that today is nearing its end. Dinner was great and distracting - some friends and our and their children that are about to go off to college so it was both lovely and bittersweet.

The earlier part of the day was not as great. Just feeling off and lost in the muck of the past. I took today off and went shopping -spent way too much money on clothes but don't regret it. Then had good talk with H, who had just come from IC. I am realizing more and more that little can be salvaged from those dark years - no matter what he says, I find little comfort and can only see the dark side. Today, for instance, he told me that I/our kids were always the center of his life and the other stuff was fluff,that he would often wake up and vow to himself that he would stop....but of course that didn't happen. Instead of making me feel better that just makes me feel how estranged we were during those years - just not in the same place, not sharing the same experiences in the same way.

Maybe there will come a time when I can think of our memories without feeling sick, betrayed and disoriented...but not yet. I am lucky, however, in that today, I can feel his love, his remorse and his commitment to a future together. But, then again, my H is a bi-polar alcoholic - his recovery seems extremely solid but as we have all learned, you just never know.
I no longer ask myself how I ended up here - by examining my history I believe I was "set up" by my dysfunctional family to marry and be validated by someone I considered a "prize" , to believe that being treated badly was part of the deal and to accept the unacceptable for so long. The good news from all of this is - NEVER AGAIN. Our MC once said something that I am trying to take on - Learn from the past,live in the present and look towards the future....or something like that.My tendency is to live in the past and screw up my present and future.

Blue, you are such a comfort to so many. Every single one of your posts is thoughtful, caring and helpful.How are YOU doing? It sounds like there has been progress and that you are getting stronger with each day. I hope so. You are so loving and so giving you should be appreciated and treasured. Thanks again for thinking of me and taking the time to write. It meant a lot. This is truly a wonderful place with amazing people....another good to have come out of the ugliness.

Just sending ((((((((((hugs))))))))) and 's

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha