H and I had been making some great progress...communication has been more open, understanding has been more evident. I feel like the past week and a half has been very significant for us.

I was feeling really strong. I took off for a weekend with the girls, got a massage, took time to reflect and focus on me.

H and I met up this weekend to talk about our living situation. I knew that we were not at that point to end our lease at our apt. and move in together. Luckily, we are tenants at will so we can continue our lease or end it as we choose. I felt very confident - i'll tell my H that I'm going to continue living there and we'll see where this process and recent progress takes us.

Spent Sat. night on the porch (at his parent's house - family is on vacation) and had some really good conversation. Talked about the living situation, about us...was feeling ok.

At the end of the night, i leaned over to be closer to H and gave him a half hug...and H didn't budge, seemed almost to freeze rather. The man cannot even HUG me. And that tore me to shreds.

I stayed the night and just tossed and turned all night long. I woke up an emotional wreck - feeling those old feelings back, rejected, betrayed, worthless, unattractive - he can't even HUG me. URGH. And all that great conversation, that progress we had been making, seemed to vanish and i turned into a pleading, needy woman... bawling my eyes out to my H who couldn't return anything except blank stares at the rug.

I cried for much of the morning and all the way on my ride home...over a hug.

And i hate all of this. I hate how i can feel so strong one moment and how H has the ability to turn me into a crumbling fool. I hate everything he has put me through --that i crave his love and touch so much and he continues to deprive me of what i need.

I'm home again now...and I feel drained, i feel foolish, i feel out of control again. I feel like i have taken 5 steps back from where i was and its so frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ka

I am so sorry to hear about the crummy ending to a good weekend. I also had one of those. I did how ever read in a book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, I think was the book and it said that it is very normal to have these kinds a few steps forward and a few steps back things happen. But even if they are normal they still SUCK really bad.

I hope you feel better and keep on doing things for your self which will hopefully make you feel even better. Hang in there.

Kelly

OH (((((((KA))))))

I am so sorry ... I can only say keep working on what you can control...your healing ...your self esteem...please don't let what your H did to you define who you are...don't buy into his problems...it is not about you ...it is all about him... he has no self worth so he drags you into his mire of issues.

Keep moving forward with your life...if he decides to join you...then he will step up to the task...right now don't count on him for anything. He will hurt you every time you expect some small token understanding or of affection.

(((((hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Ka...I am so sorry. Please listen to what Pat wrote. Continue to take care of YOU and you will get stronger. Setbacks are normal. And one of the reasons we call this the rollercoaster ride from he11. You feel good and strong one minute, and the next a heaping, crying mess. It does get better in time, whether you stay together or not. Keep working on you.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Woke up this morning to 6 emails from my H -- about how sorry he was, how concerned he was, he wants me to call him -- he'll be waiting by the phone.

Its this constant push and pull. I feel like he always gives me just enough to keep me hanging on though he continues to hurt and disappoint me.

And it's tough, because I don't know if i expect too much from him right now - he is NOT the man i married, he is not acting like himself...do i have to lower my expectations and just take what i can get from him?

I feel like he still wants to be in my life at a distance. Phone calls and email. But when we are face to face, he cannot truly be there for me. Its a tough place to be with your H.

Ka,

Of course you are feeling hurt. It sounds like H doesn't know what he wants either. Have you asked him point blank WHY he pulls you toward him via emails and phone calls, but pushes you away in person? If not, doing so might just help him to see what he is doing and want to understand for himself why.

Perhaps he feels much more guilty in person and just can't manage his guilt, but when he isn't looking you in the face, his biggest emotion is his love for you. Just a guess, but you'll have to ask him to know for sure.

Sorry you are hurting.

Huge gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend