I'm meeting up with H tonight to chat -- need to do this before moving on to bigger and brighter things! H suggested meeting at a cafe in this random town.
Of course, my first reaction is why that place and how do you even know that it exists? H was like "why? do you think i brought someone else there -- KA, NO, i'm not that type of person," on and on...like he was suprised and mortified that i could think such a thing.
Ok, this is not the first time that H has done that. He's done it a few times. The note I found about meeting at a hotel - he insists, INSISTS it never happened and he NEVER would have let it happen... but sneaking out at your lunch hour to go to OW's place is ok?!?
I don't understand this kind of thinking. H seems SO taken aback when i question him about certain things. Its like he doesn't even realize he had an A!!!
Did anyone elses WS do similiar things? Seem to get offended or look at you like YOU were crazy for asking certain things??
Yup. But only after DD1 and DD2 when he was secretly continuing his A, and was defensive about everything I would say/ask.
After DD3 and N/C, he was never defensive again. He says now, that his defensiveness was to throw me off-track and to thwart any conversation about his A because he didn't want to talk about it...knowing that it was continuing.
Hopefully, it's something different for your H.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
You bet!! I found a receipt in his car for dinner and a night's stay at a five-star $500/night hotel. I presented it to him and he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "It wasn't me!" His name and credit card # were on it!! After some time, he finally admitted getting the room for the OW, but still insists he didn't stay there with her. That her mom had just died and she & her dad stayed there (yeah, I believe that). Even if that were true, that's almost as bad. It's still $500 of our money!
And he continues to be defensive about everything all the time. It has been almost a year.
This message has been edited by lyndam on Aug 20, 2007 3:43 PM
Well, if your H were only getting the room for OW and HER DAD to stay in, then your H won't mind your asking OW and HER DAD to reimburse you the cost of the hotel room.
What do you think your H would/will say if you put that proposal to him?
I don't know what he would say now, but at the time he said that it was a "gift" to her because she had given his office business (yeah, she gave him the business, alright). This is still one of the big points of contention we have, as you might imagine, but I doubt I'll ever know the truth.
I remember asking him something near the beginning like that and he was shocked that I thought he could do something like that - drive her in our van, go to her house, something silly like that as if that was more shocking than having sex with her. I glared at him and he realized how "off" he was and then just said "no".
If my husband suggested that we go to a new cafe I would expect him to explain how he knew about it and he'd better have something he would know I would verify at some point like someone at work recommeneded it or something. Otherwise, I'd look a little sideways at him.
Classic example from my H: He has been working overseas and I knew OW would be out and about at a particular time. I told him I was worried because of course it would be possible for her to come to his town and I wouldn't know being 12,000 miles away. He rolled his eyes and got all hurt that I would even consider it, dismissed it as part of me being the wicked witch and swore that he wouldn't see her. Of course I now know that even as he said that he was planning to meet her exactly as I suspected on the tail end of her overseas visit. They did meet up, had sex to give her "closure", and he continued to lie to me about it. So yes, I have had the defensive attitude from him. I'm just hoping that like JJ's H, now we've been through D-day#3 he is no longer going to be defensive to throw me off the scent.
Defensiveness is a BIG red flag for me these days.
