There’ve been a lot of memorialized days in the recent past for me: OW’s birthday, H’s birthday, my hysterectomy (and the knowledge of what H did on that day), our wedding anniversary.
In the days leading up to all these other milestones, I’ve tried to prepare and to steel myself against whatever pain is inevitably going to show up. And I’ve learned that no matter how brave I am at facing that “dragon” and trying to slay him, he invariably is able to singe me and leave some mark.
So, tomorrow will march its way onto the horizon. I do not have to choose to engage it in battle. No weapon I have will change or erase what happened anyway. But I choose not to hide from nor challenge it. The dragon can graze in my yard if it needs to, and my guess is we’ll exchange glances throughout the day.
My H suggested that I put a clown nose on the dragon. That made me laugh. H reminded me with that suggestion that, though there is the reality of the pain/dragon, I do not need to inflate it with my own fear and anxiety. I have the ability to deflate the dragon - at least to its own realistic size.
I’m still sad at the memory of tomorrow—of how that day marked the end of my life as I had known it. I will still mourn what I lost as a result of all H’s bad choices. But this experience hasn’t killed me and its not going to. And what I’ve lost can either be reclaimed or replaced. So, tomorrow, instead of lance in one hand and Kleenex in another, it’ll be a mocha and a clown nose. If those don’t work, that’s o.k. As I grow stronger (and I will), he grows weaker and I have a heck of a lot more staying power than the dragon. (Wonder how he’d look with pretty pink nail polish?)
Wish me luck, y’all. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I wish you well. My Dday anniversary wasn't as bad as I thought. Don't get me wrong. I was very, very, sad. But I got through the day. I think the one that is worse for me is my actual wedding anniversary. I have had two go by and I don't acknowledge them, nor does H (at my request). I really don't know if I ever will. It seems so fake to me now.
Hang in there and you will be okay. You sound very strong and positive which is really good.
You know what, Blue Iris? If ANYONE is about to slay the dragon, you are just the knightess to do it! And then...just thinking about the dragon with pink nails sets me off! ROFL!!
And one other thing...tomorrow is not so important. You've already acknowledged 11 other Anniversary months and got through those quite fine, thank you. Tomorrow is just another day...A day of honesty, truth...and day of reckoning. A day that got you here and to your point of strength, albeit infused with humor. Congratulations to you for that.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I know that it will not be easy, but I know if any one can get through such a day as the first d-day anniversary with flying colors it will be you You are doing great!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
You are so brave, smart, insightful, kind, loving, strong - you are the kind of woman I admire and remind me of my best friend. Like her, you face the demons and stare them down. And, always with grace and a sense of humor (loved Doo-Doo Head!!)
As we all know so well, dealing with infidelity is one of life's most horrendous surprises...but you will not be defeated by it....you will come through it better than ever.
I felt the same as you - D Day marked the end of life as I knew it. My H tried to tell me that I could also look at it as the beginning of a new and improved life and celebrate that beginning.
On D Day 1, I could not think that way at all and resented his even suggesting it. But, surprise of surprises, on D Day 2, I was able to see his perspective and recognize the possibility of a new and better life. And, in my better moments, I know that the old life was better buried and mourned as it was filled with deception,depravity (his) and delusion,fear (mine). We are both working on our issues and have D Day to thank for that (did I just say "thank"?).
My thoughts will be with you and I hope that you will be able to see the good that came out of the wreckage, not just in terms of your M but also in how you have changed and become stronger.
Please let us know how you do. Clown nose is a great idea - I took a much more hedonistic route and pampered myself with a massage and a new pair of shoes.
I wish I had read this sooner, and I hope my story will help.
For me d day one year was a really GOOD day. I viewed it as the END of a horrible year. I planned a fun day in the city with H doing all the stuff I love and he hates! That included lots of window shopping and even buying! We had a great day!
I truly felt as if he were " clean " on the following day. It was day one of a brand new start for us. I kept up that celebration for years to come. Then one day I got confused and lost d day 6! My dearest friend Amber had to correct me and tell me I was already into year 7!
So it does happen, but as we know so well it takes tine and hard work. I put both in! However, I truly believe that my thought process of celebrating d day as a cleansing ritual helped a lot. I stopped dreading d days, and looked forward to a special day of spoiling me. I am not a selfish person, and refused gifts on my birthday from my H and kids. I told them I'd rather buy something for them on my birthday. However d day... well that became a day H bought me gifts of love, and I gladly accepted. And they were not cheap either!!!! I learned that if he could afford gifts for OW, then it was time I learned how to be spoiled. My many years of hard work got me heartbreak and an adulterer. After d day one I learned I had to talke care of me. Big attitude change for me.
I hope your new and clean year Blue Iris will help you see the beautiful shades of Lavender in an Iris. I hope the years ahed for you will continue to become more and more beautiful filled with new memories and honest and pure love. You deserve the best!
I'm thinking of you and wishing the best for you today. I pray this year brings you new incredible memories that will help to squash out the heartbreak of the old. The best we can do is to make our tomorrow's better more amazing than our yesturday's.
I'm coming up to my 2nd anniv. in Sept. I'm trying to think of it as more of a celebration. I really can't believe I have made it this far. I want to celebrate what I have accomplished (WE) have accomplished.
So here's to Celebrating you. You are amazing.
Where my heart had every reason to feel broken today, you all instead made it feeling bursting . . . with love and pride for your kindness and support. I am so very, very grateful for the thoughts and well wishes. Each and everyone of you made a difference to me today.
So, here's what happened:
Yesterday, in talking with my H, I emailed him and jokingly said I knew he'd be facing his own dragons today and that he should be armed, as well, either with his own clown nose or a rubber chicken to fight off his demons. It had just been a silly way to continue our conversation from earlier, but I decided to go ahead and see it through. So, when he got home from work, waiting on our bed, I'd bought a red clown nose for me and a rubber chicken for him. It didn't mean the day wasn't going to be taken seriously, but these items certainly solidified the notion of understanding how we played a role in coping with our feelings.
It was an interesting thing: I held that clown nose in my hand all day long, just like a worry stone that I turned repeatedly in the palm of my hand. And the darn thing absorbed so much of my anxiety. (Evidently, the rubber chicken was made from very stinky plastic, so H didn't get the same kind of experience). The kids had dentist appointments and general kid-like needs throughout the day, so I took them where they needed to go, played games with them and made smores in the backyard with them, all with my "nose in hand".
I did have anxiety and depression. I found I couldn't even sleep in our bed last night. Our bedroom had been where I found the evidence of the A in H's briefcase and where I confronted him last year. The memories of that night remain too vivid and had me almost nauseous, so I slept on the couch downstairs. And H said he would join me since I will be sleeping downstairs again tonight.
H also had a full workday that had him on the road and inaccessible for a lot of time and home very late. So there were definitely times my mind raced to the actualities of what had happened previously and the possibilities of what could be happening still.
But H had written me a very long letter for me to read today. It explained what the journey has been for him, who he is now, who he's still striving to be and what he hopes for us.
And so, throughout the day, I could read your words of encouragement, read H's words of hope and hold my silly red clown nose.
I also asked H this morning if we could buy a replacement briefcase for him. So, that'll be the capper for our evening tonight.
Jetta, JJ, Lynda, Cal, Susan, Pat, El, Coral, FF, Sad2myCore and Laura - you all helped form a circle around me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. If I had the means, I would send each of you a huge bouquet of lavender and lilac iris, and beautiful, bright red clown noses of your own.
I know there are still difficult days ahead of me and demons and dragons that will continue to rear their ugly little heads. But, look at that! It IS the beginning of the second year! Where I questioned whether I wanted to live or die in those first hours, weeks and months, I've survived. This is not where I ever imagined I would be in my life, but I could not ask for better companions. Bless each and everyone of you. (((((hugs!!!!!))))) Much love, BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
This message has been edited by BlueIris22 on Aug 23, 2007 2:08 AM
(((((hugs)))))) sending you some wings my friend to spread them and fly a little. Sorry I"m so late on this you have been there for me so many times with great words and a helping hand. maybe you could find you a sand box and walking around in circles hehehehehe
Blue Iris,
I can only speak for me, but I will say no thanks is necessary. Just hearing the fact that our warmth and cyber hug bolstered your strength on what was a challenging day is enough for me. You met the challenge head (nose?) on, and slayed the beast. Congratulations!
I also shared your story and El's way of celebrating past DDs to plant a seed in my H's head...he enjoyed your stories, and admires your strength, as he does mine.
So, Blue and Others...here's to US!!
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
<<I also asked H this morning if we could buy a replacement briefcase for him. So, that'll be the capper for our evening tonight.>>
Great idea. For me, it was my husband's "swim bag." He sometimes swims in the mornings and then goes directly to work (or in the afternoon after work). Therefore, he always had changes of clothing, toiletries, etc. (his own private life) in the bag and in his car. During the A, this became a really easy excuse for time away -- and the ability to change. Additionally, I found expensive new grooming items in the bag, which were not something he used before, as well as a list of office contacts that included the OW.
He knew the sight of the bag made me cringe after the A was revealed, so HE went out one day, bought a new bag (different color & style, as you said, Pat) and came home and made a ritual of changing all his things over to the new bag and throwing away the old (but perfectly good) bag.
Next for me is his cell phone, which is where I tracked his calls to the OW. I hate that thing! He just told me the display on it is fading (how appropriate) and he has to get a new one. Hooray. Another trigger gone.
BlueIris, I'm so happy that you had a good day. What an inspiration!
Awww, BlueIris. No thanks necessary. Your beautiful spirit has soothed me many times. I'm glad you found such a creative way to handle the anxieties. I am going to "steal" that for myself.
Sending you more (((((hugs))))) and many blessings.
Good luck BlueIris!!! I am not there yet but know it must be hard. My W told me that when that day comes I must try and put a positive spin on it as appose to feeling down that it’s the anniversary of d-day. She said that I should look at it as a milestone, that I have survived a year and that even after a year we are still together and still working hard to repair or marriage. Think of it that way. Hopefully the day is not filled with painful memories.
So glad you got through - in true Blue Iris style - thoughtful, graceful and with a sense of humor.
I totally understand the need to replace everything - I have re-decorated so that I don't have to look at the same walls/rooms that haunted me all those nights I waited for H to come home. We have new wedding bands, new bed - everytime I want to buy something, I justify it to myself by saying that I need to replace all the things from A period and start anew. It does help though.
I also found A evidence in H's briefcase. And, I felt that H was living my life with the OW. We had met at work, though we were both single and equals in age and title, unlike the OW, who was twenty years younger and reported to him. But, I do remember how we kept our relationship secret and how thrilling and exciting that was. When he told me that they used to walk in Central Park at lunchtime to get away from prying eyes, I truly fell apart - that is what we did and he didn't even remember. Uh-oh, going backwards. Stop.
It is eerie, though,that we we have such similarities.
I think that way too sometimes. Yes, it may be a small step backwards but so far from where you started and are now. We are allowed. And you should be so proud of yourself. And Blue Iris, you should be proud too. you handled things quite well
My WH used to do things for me that I considered special and amde me feel loved an appreciated. But knowing he did those same things for OW really hurt. Now they do not hold the same meaning for me. Wh still does them however, trying to show me that he loves me, but all it does is make me hurt more. I just dont think he gets it
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
