I had saved this on my computer and found it tonight while looking for a document for class. I thought you might find it interesting.
Gentle fairy hugs,
fairyfriend
------------------------------------------------
Sign of Affair: I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
If there is one front-and-forward excuse for infidelity it is: " I fell out of love."
This usually means: I no longer feel sexually attracted to you (I'm sexually attracted to someone else, for now, at least.) Or, I need to spice my life with giddy emotional highs and intrigue every so often.
Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.
Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7.
And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.
One kind of affair I write about in my E-book is called, "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love."
Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:
1. Hang on to your seat. This may be some ride, much like a thrill ride at an amusement park. There will likely be many ups and downs, spiced with dramatic flair. Watching your spouse go through his gyrations may leave you somewhat dizzy. He will give his all to this new-found "love" and at other times might find his way back to you.
2. Typically you will struggle with being ignored and feeling rather awful that you can't provide the "love" this other person seems to provide. You might find yourself questioning your capacity to "love" and your desirability. His affections will obviously be centered on that other person.
3. He may want to tell you about this other person. Not only might he want you to know about the other person he may desire to share with you some of the details of this relationship. He might want you involved. This creates an intense triangle that juices the drama. (Most classical love stories are dramas, complete with a triangle; he "falls in love" with the forbidden or unattainable princess. Often the drama ends as a tragedy - Romeo and Juliet.)
4. Expect some juvenile behavior such as love letters (e-mail), special names, special promises, secrets only for the two of them, etc. Some of these affair relationships are the result of unfinished business from adolescence. Perhaps he was responsible for family or beset by some trauma or internally or externally imposed injunctions that precluded him from dating, socializing with the opposite sex, and "falling in and out of love" a number of times, which is so important and vital for adolescent development.
5. You may hear the persistent phrase, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He may truly "like you" and depend on your stability, goodness and understanding. The thought of losing that may keep him connected with you. His fear of losing that which is stable and enduring may conflict with his need to follow his feelings. As well, the possibility of loss may point to the internal emptiness that stirs up very uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. This is part of the roller coaster ride.
6. He may feel very badly about his "inability" to love you and his "inability" not to love the other person. He may express great remorse for the dilemma. He may profess deep sadness for "hurting" you - but, as you know, he has no control. His feelings drive him. His "concern" for you indicates his superficial understanding of relationships. Or, his "concern" for you may be a manipulative attempt to find an easier exit from the marriage.
7. Expect his feelings for the other person to fade. They will fade quickly if this is a pure "I've fallen out of love (and just love being in love)" affair. The "romance" of adolescent love affairs start quickly and end as abruptly. If, however, other issues come into play, such as, resentment and/or the inability to say no, you have a more complicated situation that takes longer to resolve.
Yup - he is everything but #4 - he instead is one of those guys who was never single and into serial monogamy since he was 14. Honestly, even I can see he was looking for a replacement for the family that was ignoring him.
So, if you dowloaded that book,w as it worth it? Does he give any advice on how to deal with this. Should I just white knuckle it out and he will fall back in love with me? See, that's the problem. If I leave him, I leave the province - I can't let him have his cake and eat it by having me in the same city. Then he gets me whenever he wants me and I can't move on. I know because I already did this and it killed me inside tosee him as a friend when I knew he was with "the love of his life." I don't have the strength to compartamentalize my life like he does. He is my husband and I can't accept any less, but I can accept the attempt at being one if that is what he wants (does that make sense?)
In the early days (read years! LOL), I read EVERYTHING I could find about A. I did not download any books. The information above came from this website
I remember that I found some (free) helpful advice/information there. Perhaps you will find something useful there, too.
Have you read all the articles at dearpeggy.com? I found quite a few helpful ones there, too.
You did what you thought was the best thing to do before, and your H fencesat then. I know you love him, and you couldn't bear not to see him; however, at this point I believe doing the 180 would be the best way to show him that you have a life and it doesn't involve waiting around for any crumbs he might deign to carelessly fling your way just to keep you hooked and hoping. He is so far in the fog that he just doesn't see how poorly he is treating you and your marriage. For that I am truly sorry.
I'm not saying "divorce the bum." I am saying that perhaps you will want to seriously consider removing yourself from his sphere to protect and nurture yourself, as the efforts you have made to nurture the marriage have not been enough because he needs to nurture it too, and he is not.
You ARE strong. Show yourself and him just how strong you are.
FF, thanks for the link. I cam across that one a few months ago but got frustrated because I would read enough information to be interested and then find out that, to read more, I would have to pay to download the book. 3/4's of his linnks are for purcahses and, really, do I want to pay $10/month to learn more about having affairs? Why should someone else be making money off my pain? (but, then again, everyone has to make a living) It is frustrating because it sort of reinorces the reality that no one real;ly cares about me.
That was why I was so happy to find this site. No $$'s required for the advice.
