I am in the market for a new apartment and I am looking to get a free consultation with a divorce lawyer next week.

I have been mainly responsible for my own debt but my H has always paid "our" expenses -the rent, utilities, phones, cars etc...

As I'm moving out on my own, I am quite nervous about all these expenses that I haven't been paying. Without going through a legal process, does anyone have any advice on how to approach my H about sharing the expenses or giving me living money?

I have someone telling me "you don't need him! don't take a dime from him..." and in my mind i think that he should be owning up to his responsibility as my H!!

So, I don't want to shortchange myself. Has anyone gone through this -- without all the legal "stuff"? I want to move out soon and though I know i could make it without H's help, his financial help would be nice - especially because he makes double if not triple my salary.

Any advice at all would be helpful. I'm not sure where to begin.

I think you are just going to have to ask him for what you think you need. He will be wary and be thinking already about what a divorce is going to or could cost him. I'm not sure what state you are in and laws vary. So if you are asking him for less than what he is required to pay, I would think that he would pay it if it wouldn't cause him any undue stress to do it. You should understand the laws yourself so that you know you are asking for what is less. He's the breadwinner so he's got the most to lose.

You'll have the most success with financial conversations if you can go in with a range as an objective say $500 - $800 a month - or whatever the number is. Know your wants (high end of range) vs your needs (low end). Try to keep out of your mind what you deserve - because you deserve every penny you can get out of him, but that's an emotional approach that's going to get you heading down to the fightin' path. But right now, you just want to be able to live comfortably and I think you don't seem like you want to get into bitter fighting.

If he's just been not thinking about this at all or planning he might get defensive and wonder why you think you should have any of "his" money. Human beings are constantly evaluating everything from their own personal sense of fairness. You might just ask him what he thinks is fair. And, if he says to just each live off of your own paychecks then ask him how he'd like this all to play out with you as a friend, someone you can shake a hand with, or as bitter enemies. Then maybe you will at least know if it is time to get a lawyer or not.

You should also prepare yourself with what you think is fair from the most objective point of view you can hold. I gave my X enough to make sure he could live at the level he was used to (which happenedtto be pretty minimal) and have a work shop for 3 years. I also gave him some retirement money. I wanted to make sure that he was comfortable and wouldn't feel jipped and then try to come after me for as much as the law would allow him. I didn't want to piss him off. So, if your husband is at all thinking about the future and the cost of divorce, you should realize that you are in the strong position. He doesn't get more points for paying more of the bills for however many years or months. The law is just about 50/50 assets and debts.

I dont know about your state, but where I live you can request emergency assistance, which will pay for most of your expenses until you have court ordered support. Seriously, ask your lawyer, they will tell you what you can and cannot do in your state. I would call back the lawyer's office on Monday and ask what you can do until your consultation. Just tell them your situation and I am sure they will offer help over the phone.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha