My husband has been having an EA for about a year. He kept insisting that they are just friends, but this friendship has gone too far. He feels that he has done nothing wrong and according to him, an affair is only if you are having sex with the other person and he says he hasn't done that.
I've seen text messages that he sent her, telling her "nite my love", "miss u already", and "luv u lots" this has been going on for a while. Funny, these don't sound like messages I'd send to a friend. When I confronted him about this, he got upset at me saying I can't be trusted for snooping on his cell phone. He locks his phone now, or clears all his messages, but there is still a way to see messages sent. He'll sit in our living room and talk to her, chuckling and having a great time. He knows that this upsets me, but he'll do it anyway. She'll call him upset about something and he'll rush to her house to console her, will take her places cause she can't drive there herself. I've been tolerating this behavior for months. (I wanted to mention that she has a husband, but they are separated, but still live in the same house together. They have no children, so she can come and go as she pleases with no responsibility)
He doesn't love me like he used to, he says that he has been unhappy for a while. He said that ever since we had children my priorities changed and that he felt like he wasn't a priority. I can say that this may be true, we had 3 children in 4 years and I was a working mom. Frankly, I was very tired. I didn't know that he was so unhappy, this was news to me, I knew our marriage wasn't perfect, but I thought we were good together. He said that I should have know this and was upset that he has to always bring up problems and that it is not a problem to me unless it starts affecting me. (a little hard to comprehend the logic behind this one)
In June, we had a big confrontation, my H, his “friend” and myself. I told him their friendship had crossed the line. He said that he wanted to stay in our relationship, especially for our children (4), but didn't want to put a time frame on it and that we should take it slow. He was never remorseful, the only thing he said was that he probably did things he shouldn't have done. He refused to go to MC and he was not willing to let go of his friendship. He wanted both. He continues to talk to his friend, multiple times a day and I found out the other night that he lied to me about his whereabouts and took her to a movie, to me that seems like a date.
I was hopeful for the longest time, I thought if I just waited or was patient enough things would get better. I got to the point that, one person can't work on a marriage alone and I'm tired of not trusting him. I had enough. This was the hardest thing for me to do, but the other day, I asked him to leave. I thought that I would feel better when he left, but I miss him and I hope that I made the right decision...
I want to call him, but thought I'd write here instead, he has my number, but hasn't called. I haven't told my children, I'm sure they know that something is up because their dad hasn't been home for the last 4 days.
Welcome to Healing Hearts. I am so sorry that you have found the need for this site. However, when experiencing betrayal, this site hopefully can be a place of venting, sharing, learning, and healing.
First, please let me affirm your belief that what your husband has been doing does qualify as an affair. It is an emotional affair, though frankly, at the point that he is not open with you about his phone, his whereabouts, and goodness knows what else, the possibility exists that he has crossed the line into the world of a physical affair.
Whether it is an EA or an EA/PA, NOTHING you have done or not done is an excuse for his behavior. Whatever kind of A this is, is borne out of your H's inability to cope with problems that he has within himself or with the marriage. Marital problems should be solved with the marital partner...and potentially a trained therapist when help with that is needed. One should never, ever go outside of a marriage and discuss one's issues with a person of the opposite sex.
I sadly cannot spend more time on replying to you at this time. Kids need to get to bed before the first day of school tomorrow. However, at this juncture, I would question if your H and the OW are being honest with you about her own marital status. This is just me. I could be way off base. However, lying becomes rampant in situations like this. If I were in your shoes, I would call the OW's husband and speak with him about what you know, and ask if the "separation" is in fact true, and find out what he is aware of in regard to the this "friendship" that has stretched past what a normal friendship is. Only you can truly judge if that is a prudent action to take. The OW's H may be less than happy with your call. He may only confirm what you've been told.
I've got to dash, but will check back.
I'm again so, so very sorry that you are in this situation. We will do all we can here to provide comfort and support as you work your way through this. Please take care of yourself and your children during this critical period. Blessings to all of you. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Thank you for your response, it is nice to hear something positive from someone. I am struggling so much with this and have been carrying it around with me for too long. I am also struggling with the decision that I made, my heart is broken and needs to heal that is why I asked him to leave, my head knows that I have made the right decision, unfortunately, that doesn't make me feel any better..
As far as the OW H, he has had numerous PA with other women that is why they are separated. It seems to me that once her marriage started to fall apart, mine took the same course. Anyway, OW and her H live together as roommates because it is convenient for them. I once heard my H on the phone with her telling her he didn't agree with it, but that it was her decision. Her H has referred to my H as her "boyfriend". It is a very weird situation and I guess I no longer wanted to be part of it. The plot gets better in this drama, because my H is staying at their place until he can find a place that he can rent. He says that both OW and her H suggested it, however, my gut tells me that he is out of town for a while because his car has not moved for days. We live relatively close to each other.
What a complicated, bizarre situation! Your story reminds me of two other members here - - Adam (who is from the UK, and who's W carried on a friendship very much over the top with handholding, etc, in front of Adam. Their A became physical, but the A has been ended and his W is remorseful and they're working on reconciliation.) and Chinook whose H at one point had the OW living with him while Chinook was living in a different province of Canada. The OW returned to her home country overseas and Chinook moved back into the place with her H...but was renting a room from her own husband. Such sad stories.
The OW's marriage and relationship with her H are strange at best and seem to very much have hijacked your own marriage.
I don't know if it helps at all, but I really admire the courage it had to take for you to ask your H to leave. It seems pretty clear that he (a) really doesn't see what he's doing wrong and (b) that he's not going to change unless his circumstances do. And even then, if the "grass seems greener", he may not be able to wake up and smell the coffee about the mistakes he's making. It boggles my mind that a man with children can be willing to throw away and damage those relationships over a fantasy (because A's are never based on reality). It also doesn't say much for the OW that she would understand personally the pain of an A (having been betrayed herself by her H) yet be willing to inflict that pain on another woman.
I'm sure you're life is already hectic with what you've been dealing with emotionally and with having children to take care of, but does the possibility exist for you to get any IC? You sound strong, but certainly there is stress and heartbreak, and having that additional resource may be helpful for you during this time. If that's not an option, one of this site's benefits is the free "therapy" that's available 24/7.
My heart hurts for you tonight. I wish for you peace and resolution to this mess. I am positive that you can survive and thrive, though I understand how long the road to that end seems at this point. I'll be watching for you on the boards. Be good to yourself. Its important; you're important. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Very nice to hear from you, yes it is a bizarre story. But thank you for your kind words. I have started to see an IC, I'm sure at this point if I didn't the stress of all of this; my children, and work, would be too much to handle. I'm trying to be strong, especially for the sake of my children, but have been dealing with this for almost a year. I take it day by day and just remember to breathe!
Sad to say I just got off the phone with my H, he called to speak to our daughter, which was nice. I asked him if he is happy and he said of course not, but doesn't know what is in the future for us. You are correct in saying that he doesn't see anything in his actions as needing to change and I certainly can't make him change. I asked him again if he would consider going to a MC and he once again turned me down. I think his conception of MC is wrong, or maybe part of him knows that what he should end this EA and a MC would say that too. But it doesn't seem that right now there is any thought of reconciliation in his heart.
It has been nice hearing from you, you have put a little peace in my heart and help me make it through the another day. smiles to you!
Your H is deep in the fog of the A...justification for his feelings that he is doing nothing wrong..he is not wanting to look deeply at himself...scared of what he will find...MC would tell him he is in the wrong.
You are not to blame for the A... YOU did nothing wrong... your children are a priority when they are young. They need both parents...he wasn't being a parent when he took OW to the movies...Talking to OW when he should have been talking to you...
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
... it sounds sadly like mine, right down to the texts and phone calls, the sneaking around, the 'how dare you invade my privacy' stuff - the works.
I think you have done the right thing - your tolerating the situation obviously has not made your H think anything but that he can just carry on as he pleases. Well, he can, sure, but not on your time. If he won't stop it - and the OW sure has no reason to - then you can only separate yourself from the pain of it. Maybe your H will come around, but it might be a while, certainly I can say that if he can tell himself 'it's ok' and live in the house with you, carrying on in front of you, then there is a LOT of denial going on there.
Not wanting to 'rock the boat' is a trap for you - say to him exactly what you mean, and stick to it like glue. The 'nicer' you are, sadly, the more you are enabling his behavior. It took me years to work that one out, and a lot of pain. We like to think our partners will do the right thing but alas some just will not. I 'put up with' this kind of junk for over 8 years believing in the snowstorm they both put up, and it has knocked me around like no other awful thing could. Don't do it to yourself. You deserve better (in fact, so does he -telling yourself lies is really, really poisonous) and if only you can take the step to do the right thing, then so be it. We are all behind you.
Thank you all for your words of support. I look forward to visiting here daily.
I think I was fooling in myself in thinking that when I asked my H to leave he'd have a change of heart. Not much has gone on lately, I invited him to dinner thinking he'd want to see our kids, but he told me he already was busy and maybe another time. Sad that he couldn't change his plans, oh well. I think it is hard that this person I married so long ago has really changed into someone else, that I don't understand anymore. How sad. Right now I am just tired...
