It's a long and repetitive story, but I need your advice:

H and I started a business 12 yrs ago. 4 months after I found $45K embezzlement – the office assistant/embezzler was his lover for 2 yrs. We were deeply in debt. She was convicted. The affair continued for at least 8 months, that I know of. We stayed together, paid off the debt and built the business over the next 8 yrs. We sold it and made money for retirement. We are financially secure and retired in our late 50’s. The affair deeply hurt our five children who felt equally betrayed.

Now 4 yrs later, after I found pornographic pictures of her and them having sex, he “admits” (like he could deny it!) he has been seeing her again for the past 2 yrs. I had cancer 4 yrs ago and he said he was afraid I might die – I guess he needed a backup just in case. He says they never talk about plans for the future, don’t want to actually be together, it's just for illicit exciting sex, and he doesn’t love her! If this is true – why risk the respect of our 5 kids and 6 grandkids that idolize Grandpa? Why not just leave? After 29 yrs, H says he loves me, but not “that” way, and hasn’t been satisfied with the marriage for 20 yrs. H never earned much money, but not being satisfied in the marriage didn’t stop him from letting me financially support him all of those years.

I have a fixed/good retirement income and work part time. He has no income. I’ve paid ALL living expenses for past 4 yrs, and, “we” just bought him a new car. I told him I want a divorce and he has no objections. He told his lover I have the porno pictures, she hung up on him and now he’s afraid she won’t see him again. He has the nerve to tell me this.

My most urgent problem is our daughter is getting married in 3 wks. I don’t know whether to tell her and let her decide if she wants him to give her away and be in her pictures forever -- or if she just wants him to go away. For now we decided to keep up appearances for the next 3 wks and proceed as if nothing is wrong. I don’t want her wedding tarnished with this being a topic of conversation. I hurt so deeply over his betrayal I can’t sleep or eat, but can’t grieve now and spoil her wedding.

Any advice??

Maddie Mae

Maddie:

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Have you posted your story before, when you first found out? It seems somewhat familiar to me, with the addition of the current situation.

I honestly don't know what to tell you about your daughter. I would suggest you try looking at it from her perspective. Would you rather not be told, and learn later, after the pictures are taken? Would you feel betrayed more by not knowing, but learning that you could have known? Or, would you be happier being protected from the information so that you wouldn't do anything in the "heat of the moment" that you'd regret later?

It's a difficult decision, but if you keep in mind to do the morally right thing, and not over empasize the difficulty and pain of doing it, you'll probably make the best decision.

TomJ

At the end of the day, he is still your daughter's father and she must love him enough today to have him give her away and be in the pictures.  I worry that it would be unfair to tell her and then have her feel like she had to make a choice based on pain and disappointment and not on her true feelings for her father.  I could see where she would feel quite conflicted and be tempted to make a decision based on what she perceives as her loyalty to you rather than what is really in her heart.

This is her wedding...hopefully the one and only time she will do this.  If this were my daughter, I would want her to have this time as her own - a time to celebrate her own marriage and future.  Not only would I not tell her right now, I'd wait about a month to six weeks after the wedding to announce the divorce, so that her wedding memories do not get overshadowed by the grief of the divorce. 

I know you are hurting.  My heart truly aches for you.  This will be a bittersweet time, but I pray the joy and hope you see radiate from your daughter will give you courage and strength.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Blessings    

I wouldn't tell your daughter before her wedding. I think you would regret that decision. He is still her father and by all rights SHOULD be there and in the pictures. She may eventually forgive him for his bad judgement, but she may not forgive you for upsetting her before her wedding. I think your instincts have been right so far.

I also agree with handlewithcare that you should wait a bit after the wedding to tell her so that the two events are not forever intertwined.

Best of luck. And congratualtions on your daughter's wedding. It's something positive to focus on for now.

I agree with the others...keep quiet for now...

I struggled looking at the pictures of my daughters wedding 5 1/2 yrs ago because FWS was deep in the A with OW...

Your daughter will bless you later that you didn't tell her before the wedding..
If you have one close friend that you trust to keep the secret of what is happening to you right now .. confide in that person...she will help you get thru the wedding and support you during the minutes that you are having to stand next to your WS... you know that someone is there for you.

((((hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I am so sorry ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))). As for advice, I have to agree with the others. Sit tight and wait. I know that is easier said than done when you are hurting so much inside. I dont think your daughter would be able to handle such a betrayal at this time in her life. She will more than likely react out pain and ban him from her special day (at least I would if I were her). Later on she may regret that decision. Im sure she will understand why you waited to tell her.

Quite honestly, I fear that I will suffer the same fate. That I will try to reconcile with my WH, that he will never totally get it, and will one day cheat on me again with the same OW since the A lasted for 5 years. My heart goes out to you.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Thank you all for your advice. It has been a week now and I am finding it much easier to cope with. I know I am divorcing him, I really love my life right now -- with or without him -- and I will be financially OK. If the OW is what he wants, that's OK with me -- I will retain my self respect and the respect of my children. He, on the other hand, is going to have many difficulties. With the money I'll save not having to support the loafer any longer, I'm getting a new red car and a facelift!

I think waiting for awhile after my daughter's wedding and honeymoon to tell her about her Dad is the best choice. That's what we did when her brother got married and I found about his A and her embezzlement from our company 4 days before his wedding.

I hurt, lots. We have just been through three days of mourning the death of his sister at a young age from cancer. I have a wonderful relationship with his large family and am confident they will still be "my" family. At this very trying time, I think he realizes the OW, who is not the type to bring home to the family, wouldn't be there for him as I have been regardless of my own pain.

Maddie Mae

Your story reminds me somewhat of a member if this forum named El. I hope she finds this thread and posts for you.

It's hard for me to know, but I suspect that your husband will very likely not want a divorce.

TomJ

I agree with Tom that your husband will likely not want a divorce. Why would he, he has a free meal ticket, new car, a wife and a lover. I say divorce him! At this point, can you really expect him to 'get it" any longer. Ask your self why you're still with him. Do you love this man who has told you he doesn't love you "that way" and would rather have sex with another woman?

You go with the red car and face lift and live your life free of the stomach churning anxiety of having a husband who clearly doesn't see you or respect you for the caring and loving person you are. I gaurantee some day, some one else will.

LisaB

I agree with the others regarding not telling your daughter. As the Mother of 4 daughters, I am trying to keep H's A between he and I and have (so far) not told them. My situation is slightly different in that my H is their step-father and they adore him.

Since you have been through this before I'm sure there were many times when you had to pretend everything was ok. I am doing this now and had to do this when my H was away on a romantic vacation with his OW. Some people call this "compartmentalizing" and I scare myself I have gotten so good at burying my pain for the sake of other people.

This is your daughter's very special day. While I realize that his A hurts the kids too, my vote it to keep it between the 2 of you for now.

Maddie- How are you doing? Hanging in there?