I told my H today that I needed some space. As many as you know, my H has not been living here and has really messed with my emotions. I know he is really confused but he has sent me so many mixed signals that it has really led me down a dark path.
I asked for no contact for a month. No more phone calls, no more emails. I told him that if he had anything encouraging to say about our M, any hope that he wanted to share, if he wanted to continue MC in hopes to save our marriage, or wanted to start acting like my husband again, by all means...contact me! But if not, I needed an emotional break.
He seemed so taken aback by this. He couldn't believe that I would not want to talk for a month. He got really emotional...when i said that i needed to go, he asked to talk for a few minutes more...said that he wasn't ready to say goodbye.
I don't understand what he wants. When I got off the phone I started to bawl - then felt a sense of relief that I would not have to deal with this emotional rollarcoaster for awhile. That I could focus on me again and maybe find some happiness in this life.
I was ok for most of the day. Now i am really sad and heartbroken. I hope i made the right decision. I'm starting to second guess myself. I don't want to lose my H. I don't want to lose my M. But right now, I don't have both and now I'm starting to lose myself as well. i wish i knew if i made the right choice to have no contact for awhile. My heart is so conflicted.
This message has been edited by Ka18 on Aug 27, 2007 3:28 PM
We know you are hurting so much, and we are all sorry for your pain. Please keep telling yourself that what you are doing by taking a break is giving yourself the gift of peace, which you so desperately need now. There is a good chance that taking a month off from contact with him will be the swift kick in his proverbial pants that will get him off his personal fence. Just keep reminding yourself of that fact while you work on taking care of yourself.
I know this may seem like the hardest task you have ever done and possibly ever will do, but it sure sounds like the best action you can take right now to preserve your sanity and health.
I am sure this choice for you took some time for you to decide. I doubt it was a choice made out of haste. It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do - you seem to be doing it, but you are right, it can still be sad and painful.
Sometimes I wish I had told my H during our battle that I needed a break and broke contact between us for a bit. Maybe then he would have seen what life without me would have been like. Maybe he would have chose to stop his M busting actions. Who knows. Only you know what is right for you though.
I wish you well and know this... It wont always feel like this no matter where this road takes you. It wont always feel so sad.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Thanks for those words - I needed that support right now -- and you're right, it wasn't a decision made in haste, I have really been riding this emotional rollarcoaster for months now.
Its amazing how you can love and hate someone so much at the same time! Feel so relieved and so heartbroken all at once...
H is coming by the place this morning to pick up some things. I have a huge knot in my stomach - i'm going to leave so I'm not here when he gets here. But, my heart is aching. I feel like i can't breathe.
Sounds like you know deep down inside that a break is exactly what YOU need. The problem is that your H is being extremely selfish and not abiding by your wishes and needs. You said "he is not ready to say good-bye". Then why did he cheat? Why is he not willing to work on the marriage? Why are you living seperately? Because it is all about what he needs and what he is not ready or ready to do. Does he even think about you or your needs and feelings? It is all about him! Ka, do what YOU need to do. You dont need to stop living and suffer while he waits and decides what he wants. I know it hurts...but you have to take care of YOU and not worry about his feelings. That's all I'm trying to say. You deserve to have your feelings and needs taken into consideration.
I am so sorry for your pain...
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
thanks cal - that is what i'm going to try to do - take care of myself for the next month -- i really need a break. Even knowing that my H was here today, getting his stuff was giving me an anxiety attack.
I had taken down all of our picture from the mantel, tv, walls etc... i came home and H had put one of them back up!?!?!? What is THAT all about?
I took down all the wedding pictures on d-day 1. After d-day 2 I threw away another small one in the garbage in our bedroom. Much to my surprise WH took it back out of the garbage but hid it away. It's like you said before, he isnt ready to say good-bye just yet.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I think you are doing absolutely right to take a break from it all and just focusing on yourself. Those anxietyattacks comes but when you get stronger they will be less painful. I also agree that he is not ready to leave yet, so donīt make any hasty decisions. Just let everything be as it is but think of you as the priority and take one or three steps back! I read the book Trinity suggested Love must be tough and found it helpful. Another great book is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Just some tips, sometimes your own knowledge is the best weapon.
Sending you all my positive thoughts and applause that you sound so much stronger.
My H is coming next week for a few days, look forward but also preparing myself to stand up for me and use all wisdom I gained on my time off. Of course worries are still on my mind, and some things are easier said than done, but I am trying to focus on the future instead.
Maria
What a tough decision you have made, but I'm sure you know and feel in your heart that it was the right thing for you to do right now.
I've been struggling with my H and our M for almost a year now. Earlier this year he asked me if he should just move out and I wasn't ready to have him leave. The other day I asked him to leave. It was a very difficult decision for me to make and even today, I'm second guessing myself (he moved in with the OW, feel like I sent him in that direction) In spite of all the emotions and heartache, it felt a little good to know that I took back some of the control of my life.
Hang in there and take it one day at a time, be confident in your decision and give yourself time to let your heart heal. Take care of yourself.
