We watched "Knocked up" the other night (which is very funny btw if anyone is interested and has some interesting scenes on marital problems - but no-one is unfaithful so it is "safe" - if anything some might find it useful.)

Anyway, the point is the couple have a baby. Which made my W broody and saying she wants one etc. When I got upset later she said she had been teasing and didn't want one now.

I've found this REALLY insensitive. When we met I was the most keen on one day having kids, and it was only as time went on that my W took the lead. But she play acts (although its hard to know how serious she is - but when I got upset she explained she was only teasing about it) about wanting one now. I can't believe she does this. Can she really not join the dots?

We CAN'T have one now FFS if only because she was such a total slut and had unprotected with that scumball and you have to wait 6? months for HIV test to be sure. So really I don't want to be backed into the corner to go - "I know, I want one too but we can't" and be reminded of what she did. How can she not see that?

And of course if I say that to her then I'll be "being nasty" throwing it in her face.

Grrrr!!!!!!!!111

If that wasn't enough then IGNORING that our marriage is no where near that place anymore, and it's her fault. We wouldn't have been having a kid soon anyway, but now it's completely off the cards.

And yet this whole thing makes me feel like the monster who doesn't want kids.

I do, I really really do. She's so mean. Why would she say these things?

My wife and I had a saying, especially during the first couple of years after D-day "All roads lead back" (to the affair). That was refering to the fact that most anything we saw, most anything we did, most anything we talked about could somehow be connected or related to the affair.

This isn't to suggest that you have steatched the point to connect this conversation with the affair. Not all all, it's a very normal trigger.

However, the good thing about this is it provides a chance to show the wayward spouse something you already know... that the affair is a very, very deep wound to you and to the marriage, and that it needs attention to heal properly.

You shouldn't feel guilty for this reaction. It's a normal human reaction. If you didn't have this reaction, then there'd be reason to question.

TomJ

My H is doing the same thing but its like his clock is ticking or something. Really in our case I think he is looking for anything that will keep us together or develop a bond of some sort. Right after dday it was probably something he thought I wanted to hear. And, a couple months later as he started to deal with his father's impending death from cancer he's beginning for the first time in his life to value family - tehy've been somewhat estranged, or at least less than a close family.

He started saying this after Dday. And, the first time he said it I said "there is no way in heck I am having a child with you! (add sting of bitterness to tone)" It's hard to remember exactly how it went but I think I pushed further when I saw the crushed look on his face and said "after this how could you think I would have a child with someone who can't keep a commitment to me for 6 months. A child is a commitment for life! Are you insane?" I was being insensitive. I couldn't even fathom such a recommendation. I realize now that he's having some emotional reactions too so I just say we're just not stable enough for that now, but maybe later.

Here's what makes this whole conversation a little intense. I got out of my last marriage in part to have children - the clock was screaming! not ticking but literally screaming! On top of the fact that at 29 I'd decided to have kids at 32 and realized at 36 that I allowed my career and H had gotten in the way of that and time was running out. So he was supposed to be the one that would get me pregnant. Then he got sick and it turns out that likely we will never be able to have children. On top of the fact that I am now 40, the clock stop ticking, and life has been pushing me pretty hard for the last 4 years - I'm just too tired to have kids, I can't imagine it right now - and he's all psyched to do it. Every time he sees a kid he looks at me and says, "oh...I've just gotta have one". Our dreams included adopting and that's what he means, but looking at how we have lived our lives fostering seems like a better option for us...or simply helping out our friends and family with their kids.

I think you did a fine job of keeping your thoughts to yourself. You should probably have a conversation with her that's not an emotional or judgemental one. Also, I think you have said she's depressed and she should probably figure out if she can handle being off her meds. They haven't done a lot of studies on how anti-depressants effect the fetus in pregnancy. I had a friend that went off meds and said it was a terrible emotional struggle for her and her husband to deal with her emotions during the pregnancy but he was steeled for her yelling and screaming and mood swings. Not so sure that if you added an A on top of that combo that it would be very healthy of either of you or the baby.

But trust me - a baby is NOT on the cards in the next couple of years. We have kind of pencilled it in for our late 20s, maybe 28 (my W is only 6 months younger than me) so that would be another 4 years.

Also she isn't on any meds at the moment, and that seems better than when she was on the meds, although she seems to be starting to make an effort at fixing herself rather than just falling, but its still baby steps.

I know what my IC would say (and has said to me). Do not keep the pain in. You do not have to yell or be angry, but you should tell the WS how you feel. As much as your W may think you are saying this to "be nasty" or "hurt her", you are actually doing both of you a favor. You need to let her know how she has hurt you...and she needs to understand your pain and accept responsibility for her actions.

This is basically "cause & effect" or as some may say "the consequences of her actions". Had she not had the A you would not feel the way you do. She caused this mess and these are the results and she needs to deal with that. As depressed as your W is, she shouldn't keep getting an open "get out of jail free" card...she should still be held accountable and you should not walk on eggshells. Nothing will get resolved that way. I have been there. I also know it is easier said than done, but you have a lot of support here. In fact, between the support I got on this board and my IC, I have made huge strides in sticking up for myself. I believe you have made some forward movement there too. What my IC keeps telling me is that when I start thinking about how my WH is going to react then I lose myself and forget about me! When I do that I lose my voice. It's OK to lose your voice for a moment just as long as you get back on track and remember to take care of YOU. Your W is a big girl and if she is truly remorseful she will not keep getting angry that you have feelings....bad feelings that are a result of what SHE did.

It's all about accountability...is she accepting responsibility for her actions? Are you being forthright and telling her how you feel?

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha