I'm worrying that my wife is still having an A - or rather another A, since I would expect it to be a different man. I'm getting paranoid and looking for evidence, but not finding any - and what's more it would be pretty close to impossible for her to be doing.
Does that make sense? Anyone else been in this situation?
I mean she has barely been out of my site, and so the only ways for her to be having an A are the most rediculous JFK/Diana/Roswell like cospiracy theories. You know like she isn't really ill - or she quit her job and so isn't going to work, but got her work number and email redirected to her mobile... Or that when I leave in a morning (start work before her) she's inviting her man round, who must live really close to get there in time, and they leave no evidence in the flat, but she is there if I call?
I mean it is totally totally rediculous. She has done NOTHING to make me suspect, and more so there aren't even opportunities - and beyond that she's been ill!
Its not even like she was THAT secretive about the A when it happened - she "got away" with it by convincing me everything was fine, rather than a massive coverup.
I'm convinced I'm going totally loopy.
Also she is getting suspicious of me now. Not neccessarily overtly, but in little deniable ways, reading email over my shoulder and questioning me on women's names she doesn't reckognise...
Adam-
I was feeling that way about a month ago and it turned out that my H was having another EA. I have learned that I shouldn't dismiss those feeling as just being paranoid. If I'm wrong- great!!
But if I'm right- that's another story. When I am wrong I realize that what I am looking for is some affirmation from my H that he is no longer having an A AND that I am the one he chooses, wants and loves. He usually misses this unless I point it out to him. Then he will try to make me feel better. I feel like he is only trying to jump threough hoops and isn't really making an effort. I am sorry, this ended up being about me. I hope you find some relief soon.
I just went through exactly that except that I had some evidence. Turns out it wasn't an A but I think that the feelings were coming from him still not telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
For me the irrationality was a result of living with lies and was in a waiting period for the truth to come out.
What you're experiencing seems along the same lines of what I experienced. I also suspected when there was very little reason (if any) to suspect. The slightest real cause for concern (i.e. not at the right location at the right time) could create a whole slew of imagined affairs.
I learned this is also an effect that emotional trauma creates. It's a hypersensentivity to any of the factors that were 'clues' to the trauma. Self-protection kicks in, and you begin to prepare for the trauma.
If you had been severly beaten while taking a walk in the park, then in future you'd have a reaction to any of the cues that lead up to that event. Even the cues that you only recognized long after the actual event. You'd prepare for another beating. It might not be entirely rational, but it's effective and real.
I've found the best way to deal with these things was through a process of reprograming, reassurance, and desensitization. It helped when my wife was understanding of my need to work through these reactions, to relearn that the cues don't preclude a reoccurance of the trauma.
I read an account of a Holocaust victim, who said that, all these years later, she still panics when she hears a train whistle, as it triggers memories of the train that hauled her off to the concentration camps.
While I do not mean to compare our suffering to those of Holocaust victims, their experience vividly shows the effects of trauma. For many of us, we will be hearing whistles for a long time, thinking the worst. And the craziness of our new lives means that we will always have to torture ourselves with the question of whether it is really just a whistle.
I don't think I'm totally going insane, but I'm finding it harder not easier.
I think I'm discovering that taking the "hard" path in this (i.e. trying to roll with it, not get freaked about "contact" etc., putting my W first) is pretty desensitising.
Am pretty stressed with work at the same time though so it could be anything.
I'm drifting along.
One thing, however, that the A is potentially helping with is my own issues regarding being wrong or looking foolish. Its a little like dumping and agora phobic in the nevada desert!
I don't find it irrational at all. My husband accuses me of being paranoid, let him.
Trusting him, whole-souled, has left me trying to glue myself back together ... like a fine porcelain cup with missing pieces. I can turn the cup one way and you can't see the missing pieces ... but you can see the glued crack still. Needless to say, I'm a long way from trusting him, period.
If I could strap a webcam to his arse, I would. But, i'd probably still be suspicious. Like, he is looping the same scene over and over or something.
He said that I need to stop being paranoid and to try and get over it so we can move on with our life. LOL yeah, right. I just answer back that, I'm sure he'd do just that were he in my shoes.
Kim
Upstate New York
Discovery Day ~ May 31, 2007
Deceived ~ 2 years 2 months 3 weeks 3 days (still working on the hour)
Current Topic - I'm being irrational - anyone else?
