I'm emotionally drained after a long talk with my H last night. For those who know the recent portion of my story he brought the phone bills home. I haven't looked at them but he told me that we were looking at them wrong and they will show that he did not continue the A. I couldn't look at them last night, I didn't want to get set off track by details - length of calls, timing of calls, etc etc.

They do however, reveal that there was more to the story than he'd already told and he told me about that as well as clearing up some other assumptions I made.

Maybe, just maybe he's started telling the truth now. And, because we prepared and I didn't flip out on him, maybe, just maybe he will continue to do so.

I'm just too drained now. I'm over the drama. 4 months of pain and lies. The healing hasn't even begun yet. Its so disappointing. But, maybe, just maybe it can start now.

Thank you all for your support. I couldn't have made it through last week without all of you in chat. You are my saviors. I might not be around for awhile. We have a lot of work to do, a lot of sleep to catch up on, and my Mom and her boyfriend will be in town this weekend.

Please know that you are all in my prayers.

Good luck Hope. A well needed rest is in order

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

I didn't want to hijack the other thread. Thanks for the hugs. I was keeping it close to the heart for a bit but now more willing to talk about the rest of the story. Which I have a bit in chat and a few other posts.

I still haven't looked at the bills in detail because I am afraid that my new found freedom in thinking there was less emotional attachment in this A than I thought will be smashed by looking at long phone calls and other detail the bills may reveal. I'm enjoying the shock and space I am in now, but will have to face the detail soon. Maybe this weekend.

I told my H I was prepared to see long calls, calls from her interrupting me, calls during my birthday and other inappropriate times - like 5 minutes after our dog died or some such thing, and more than 1 phone number (ie more girlfriends). I asked him if it would be any worse than any of those things and he said he didn't think so.

The story I allowed myself to believe up until this point was that he had shopped around the internet for the right girl, talked to a few, picked one, and then met her for dinner to make sure it was a go, then met with her for 2 weekends and one night when he was on business over the course of about 6 weeks. I expected that they talked on the phone and exchanged e-mails and text messages. He insisted that when there were exchanges it was simply to arrange logistics of there meetings.

The reality of what the phone bills will show is that he called girls, met Grace, and continued to look for, call, and qualify other girls while he was seeing Grace. I just thought of this he was cheating on his OW! . Before I got the phone bills I got the credit card bills that showed it wasn't just the 4 meetings. There were two more hotel stays and a dinner on her birthday. So at that point, I'm thinking he's seen her 8 times and then I caught him which broke it off.

He says the bills will show that the calls stopped going to Grace and started going to another woman who he slept with on the last one night hotel stay and the last weekend.

So my heart relaxes to think that one affair ended of its own accord and the other ended due to my discovery. Neither turned into deeply emotional relationships. And, this sooths my heart. Even though there is another person it was still in the same time frame, I just see it as one incident or period in life so its not like another dday two years later with same or other woman. OW#2 is just another detail with no more or less meaning than another night's stay or another dollar spent.

And, I just realized as I said above that I am afraid to see the detailed bills. What if I see the 2 hour phone calls, that he called her for comfort when our dog died. What will I make of it all. Ohhhh....does this never end?

I am sooo sorry for what you are going through! There is nothing more hurtful and painful than for someone that you dearly love to betray you in this way! I am so sorry that you have to dig for answers this way! I just read in another reply that you wrote about being so angry at the 'forgetfulness'. I do so understand. And actually, if there were no forgetfulness you probably wouldn't need to do the digging! It's all connected. I was wondering if your H can remember things the two of you did during the time of his A? My H also has extreme forgetfulness. It has been so frustrating because I can remember minute details of things during that time, and, it began 21 years ago. But, in his defense, he can't remember hardly anything we did either. So, I've had to cut him some slack there, even though it just seems way to convenient to not be able to remember anything. I have a friend who I have become close to who had an A about 25 years ago. She tells me that she can remember very little about that time and she thinks the reason is, that her conscience was so traumitized by what she was doing which was so against her morals and value system that things actually shut down in order to cope. Now, she is not at all a trained C. She has just spent years trying to understand why she had an A. After she told me this, I could really see how this might have happened with my H. He was always such a stickler for honesty up to that point. So, maybe you could in the course of a conversation just casually throw in something that the two of you did during that time and see if he has any memory of it. That really helped me to get over that anger. I find that instead of anger I feel almost pity because my H has actually cheated himself out of some very good memories and yes, he does regret that.

I'm really depressed today so just keep that in mind.

But, no we didn't do anything at all during that time. What we did we did separately. He went and spent money on himself and his girlfriends when I went to visit my mom. We sat on our bed and watched tv while he surfed for girlfriends and surfed for a new dog as a way of dealing for my dog that just died. I went to the spa by myself for my birthday while he called his girlfriends. There is nothing to remember except for being really lonely and not knowing what the hell was happening to my relationship. He won't remember how I cleaned the house twice a day, cooked him dinner which I never do, put on make-up and prettied myself up, cleaned up the dog food and fed the dogs....anything to get his attention. Anything that was memorable he did with someone else.

I'm lucky, really...it was only 6 weeks, two OW's, and I think I have a remorseful H that is at least trying to be transparent, answer all my questions and be understanding. And, we're only 3 years into our relationship, not 20. And, we don't have kids. And, I believe the relationships were trying to fill a need for aliveness not love or sex - except in doing it frequently with someone new it generates that sense of aliveness. It's still traumatic, yes, I know and I can barely deal with this...but I've heard others stories and well I feel like what I've got to deal with somehow I can recover from and their stories seem insurmountable.

I TOTALLY understand why you don't want to go through those phone bills.

The first sign I had regarding H's A was a piece of torn yellow lined paper I found when I was cleaning our car. The OW's name, cell phone and work # were on that piece of paper. I very calmly waited to say anything to H until I was sure it wasn't something innocent. (I was also in denial).

During the time between when I found that incriminating piece of yellow paper and discovered the truth, I felt like a nosy snoop.

His pieces of yellow torn lined paper liter his car, desk, and the kitchen counter and to this day when I see them my stomach churns and my heart sinks...but I don't look at them

I've been going through the bills in detail and so far nothing new is revealed. Thank goodness.

My stomach churned just knowing how you felt that first time you saw that piece of paper. The moment of realization is just too much to comprehend. I hate revisiting it even through your story I go right there. It just makes me ill.

Can't you tell him to just get rid of the dang papers? There's too many triggers with all of this for him to just leaving them lying around so carelessly.

I feel kind of foolish about H's torn yellow paper, so it feels really good that someone "gets it"...I mean, come on, how I explain to someone that seeing a piece of torn yellow lined legal paper makes my heart pound, my face turn bright read and sends me through the roof?

H is famous for writing miscellaneous bits of information on torn yellow legal paper (doesn't like wasting paper):P

thanks