Am considering asking H to move into another bedroom because his actions to not match his words when it comes to healing. I want to reconcile and his words say the same but not his actions. Advice, anyone? He did follow through with things he said today but only after I got angry last night. Several gentle reminders did not get through to him.
I will reiterate a previous reply re: how I handled it. "I immediately threw my H out of the house on D-Day to live at his sisters. I called an attorney and let my H know this. I did not tell my children, family or friends (except for a trusted few for support). I didn't tell anyone because ultimately my goal was to save our marriage and I knew it would be difficult to have our lives back so to speak if everyone knew and I wanted to shield my 14 and 10 year old as well.
When he finally agreed to end the A (6weeks after D-day) I let him move back into the in-law apartment downstairs in our house. Set strict rules. We went to Couple therapy together. He lied for a while about having no contact, etc. Until I saw his cell bill. He couldn't lie or hide anymore. He finally gave it all up 9 weeks after d-day and hasn't talked to her since. It's now been 1 year in Sept. We're happy.
I fought for him. I set boundaries and rules but let him know how much I loved him and our life together. We began to spend a ridiculous amount of time together with no room for secrets or hiding. He heard me loud and clear when I said his words meant absolutely nothing to me and from here on his actions were all I could go by. He understood that I was too burned by his lies to simply believe what he said. He needed to live and breathe what he said as well or don't bother. Ultimately I knew our marriage was strong enough to withstand this ONE incident. He is still in therapy for himself and he seems happy.
Have him move to the other room. Do what you need to in order to let him know that what you say you mean. Your actions need to mimic your words as well. If you're telling him you won't tolerate being lied to or you won't pretend to be in a happy marriage if he's not willing to work on the marriage, or whatever, then show him you mean what you say. Not to be spiteful but to be sincere. At this stage of the game, actions are mean everything, words...not so much.
LisaB
If you feel more comfortable with him moving out of the bedroom then so be it. Let him know you mean business, that your room is off limits until he keeps his word. A good idea is to set a time limit or you could be seperated for quite some time, and you need to move forward one way or the other eventually. Plus setting a time limit (whatever you feel is reasonable for what he needs to do) will give him more of an incentive to get things done and truly recommit to the marriage. Indeed, actions definately speak louder than words.
Good luck and best wishes...
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
