So, I went to visit a friend for dinner last night. I told WS the night before because I am the household cook (part of rent) and because I wouldn't be home after work and didn't want himto worry. So, I went and had a great time.

Well, 10 p.m. comes and get in the car to go home and my cell is ringing (I had left it there because it is rude to take calls when visiting friends). I open it to find I had 15 missed calls in the last 4 hours from WS and a text message to call him! I called him back and said I was on my way home. He said he had called because there had been a horrible storm and he had been without power since 4:30 (it went back on at 1 a.m.)and lots of fire and ambulances had gone by. He had been worried. He thought I had said I had been at my friends but wasn't sure. He then got angry (cuz he showed emotion?) and I told him I was on my way home. I also asked if I could pick anything up (I would do this for any roommate who had been unable to cook all day and had missed breakfast because they had slept in). He just said he would take me out when I got home.

And, he did, for Timmy's (I got hot chocolate, he got a sandwich). Turned out he had a very boring evening with no TV and computer (i.e. no chatting with OW), no food (our condo is all electric) but the place is now spotless (boredom=cleaning). Turns out he had been too busy for lunch too and his mood inmproved with food. I can proudly say that I just acted like he was a roommate.

By tha time, his cell was dead (no kidding!), so I had to lend him mine to use as an alarm clock on the condition that he woke me up before he left. He reminded me that I am not that important by "forgetting" to wake me up (I heard the alarm go off in the other room and he never came to get me. Turns out he had "forgot" about the time (yet he was on-line with that clock in the corner) and had to run, so he couldn't talk.

He swears he hates head games and doesn't play them, but there are times when I wonder if he does this type of thing on purpose.

Chinook

Chinook-
Seems my H and your's have alot in common. He "forgets" almost everything he promises to do. Interesting that my H says he wants to rebuild our marriage and then "forgets" to put action behind his words. We are now in seperate bedrooms. It was so difficult to follow through with that last night. I love to be close to him at night, but it felt great to realize that I put a boundary up and kept it up. It almost feels empowering.
How are you feeling about what happened this morning? Is he a forgetful person or just when it comes to you. My H treats total strangers with more compassion then he treats me. How are you coping with living seperatly in the same house. We are just begining that and I am unsure about how I really feel.

Brooke, I have to say that whether or not he forgot about the time is 50/50. He doesn’t play head games and is usually straight forward. The irony is, though, that he got p.o’d at me last week when he went to show me vacation pics before he left for work and I asked if there was enough time. His response – “I wouldn’t have asked if there wasn’t time. I am looking at the computer and there is a clock right there. I know how to manage my time in the morning.” Then he sulked and went off to work. But, this week, 2 days in a row, he was late getting out the door.

Honestly, I know his head is elsewhere – the strain of our R, missing the OW, and, his biggest stress, his chain of command trying to get every ounce of blood from him before he is out of there on Friday (he actually has proof of their harassment and discrimination and could file a grievance if he wanted. He is holding onto the info in case they start contacting him while he is doing homestudy, which they have been told not to do). I have told him this before and he finally agreed with me last week – his job is destroying him but he can’t fight back, so he takes it out on me by picking fights. He hopes that getting out of there (2 more days and he goes from clerk to spy-in-training (sort of)) will make things easier between us. I think it will help because I swear that our R got worse as his chain of command made his life more miserable.

As for living in the same house, I am finding myself as lonely as when I rented a room elsewhere, only now I get my dog, my cat and my stuff (which is why I stayed here). We have moments where it feels “normal” and content (I won’t use “happy” because that is how he feels with OW). Trouble is, I never know if it is because we are not fighting, so the tension is gone, or because there is something still between us.

Plus, it hurts being alienated from my best friend. I want to talk to him about everything but know I can’t (because all I’m thinking about lately is his A and our broken R, and with a 180, that is not recommended). So, instead, I have become quiet (and I use to be a chatterbox), which I think freaks him out at times.


Chinook

Chinook-
Wow!! I almost cried reading what you wrote. I just got off the phone with my H and I was very quiet (I'm a chatter box, too) and he was asking what was wrong and why I was mad. I didn't respond much- just said I was busy cleaning. Does he really have to ask? Are we in two different worlds or something? I miss my best friend, too. He says that I am his best friend. He sure has a funny way of showing that.

It is sad that your H thinks he was "happy" with OW. I don't recall being promised never ending happiness in my marriage vows. I do remember in sickness and health, for better or for worse. There are moments when I don't "feel" love for my H but I know that moment will pass. Do I go and have an A or tell him I don't love you and then take it back later. No, love is a choice not a feeling. I choose to love him. I choose to share my life with him and I hope to grow old with him by my side. So why do they run whenever there are issues they don't want to face. I want him in spite of his imperfections. I want something real not an ideal. Something just for show. I want to tackle our issues and come out on the other side. But I am only one person and he has to want that,too or it won't work. His words say one thing but his actions show another. That's why I had to draw the line. I have to show him with my actions that I mean what I say.

I am so thankful to have this site to share with people that understand. I don't feel so alone in my pain and I hopefully the need to share everything with H will go away. I do hope we can get to the point of healing where I don't feel like I have to keep some of my feelings to myself.

I understand you lonliness and I am here if you need to chat or share. Take care. -Brooke

I think it's great that your ws got a little bit of a wake up call. To me it sounds like he takes you for granted. Maybe a little more eye opening might help him to come out of his fog. Spend more time out with friends, you need as many people around you building your confidence as possible. It can only help show him how life is when your not around. <Lonely>

I'm sure it felt good to also know he was worried about you. Sorry he took that away by not remembering to wake you up. Did you ask him what happened? My H always tells me "you looked so peaceful I wanted you to sleep longer."
I'm keeping you in my prayer's.
God Bless
Laura

Sweetgrace - I haven't had a chance to ask him yet and I am wondering if I will because I realized there are 3 possible responses: 1) he got busy and honestly forgot 2)he never intended to in the first place 3)he was on the interent (computer was out) talking to OW and he forgot about me. The real question is, do I want to know?

And Brooke, we seem to be living parallel lives.

Chinook