I can not even believe that my h told my kids to sit down and relax. I had them helping me with the twins. Apparently they need a break. Yeah my 9 and 7 year old just help out soooo much that they need a break. That just pissed me off to the core. He is not even here, ever, to know who the freak needs a break. What about me! do you think I might need a frickin break? OHHHH that just totally pissed my day off. On His days off does he help me out. NO! He stays in the bedroom and sleeps on and off inbetween watching t.v. When we go out it's after I have the babies in bed for the night, is that a break? In a very pissy mood today Im sorry just had to rant

Laura,

My off track advice is say to your H I need to go out for an hr...and let him watch the twins...call and say you are delayed..treat your self to a manicure..the older children will help him and you get a break .

the right way would be to sit down with your H tonight and explain to him your feelings about what happened with the children..your feelings...not blaming him but telling him...this is how I felt...holding it in is going to lead to the explosion that he has no clue about and marriage is all about learning to communicate YOUR feelings. this is what I have learned thru this A process.

I totally understand being in a pissy mood and the need to rant...

(((((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I did talk to him about his remark which he said on his way out the door. He gave me what I call an eyoor(sp) response. Made it worse. He goes to work at 7am and comes home at 9pm 6days a week. It just makes me so mad when he comments on how I run the home. I asked him how he would feel if I went into his work and started telling him how to do his job.
I know were having a bad day because we were talking about the A last night.
I guess I hurt him by bringing it up so he's hurting me. Mature huh

Sweetgrace, Sorry you are having a bad day! When my children were young, my H (who is an educator!) refused to discipline the kids (didn’t like confrontation). I spent so many years being angry that he wouldn’t help in this regard. How I wish I had told him (calmly) that he needed to step up to the plate. Once, in anger, I did walk away from a situation and say “you take care of it”. To this day, I have no idea if he did anything at all. I don’t think I’d be in this situation today if only we had communicated back in those days.
Maybe you have already done this….but my suggestion would be to talk to him…..Now that you have vented, calmly tell him that you were disappointed that he told the kids to relax and take a break from helping you, that you really do need his assistance with the kids when he is home. Ask him to make time to give you a break…..everyday; even if it’s only for a short time or taking care of some of the kids. Maybe you could suggest that he take the twins for a short time on his day off so that you can have some time alone with the 7 and 9 year olds…..or vice versa. The biggest payoff is that he will get to know HIS kids. And of course…you get the much needed and deserved break. No matter what…..the important thing is that you need to tell him what you need calmly. Don’t yell, don’t nag, don’t say anything that could be considered negative (like “you never help with the kids”, even if it’s true). If he refuses, ask him why not….does he not feel capable of taking full responsibility for them, does he not think you need help, does he not think you DESERVE help?
((Hugs))….you deserve a break!!

Laura-
It was nice chatting with you yesterday. How are you doing today? Sometimes I read something on this site and think- Am I reading about my life? I understand how you feel with H working so hard and not helping or even understanding. My H has said we both have a job to do. His job seems to be earning money and cheating. Mine is caring for 5 kids, cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, paying the bills, and having the burden of making sure the marriage isn't neglected. No wonder I am going out of my mind!!!

Are you able to talk with your H? Does he understand at all? My H does understand but it has been a lot of years since he has really been involved with our family. His body might be here but his heart seems a million miles away. Are you in MC or IC?My H know he has unrealistic expectations of me. He says that is his problem and he is working on that, but I want so much to please. I try and try to please and then I snap when I can't do it anymore. I am having a difficult time with balance. I can't balance anything right now.

Two days ago someone (two people, actually) recomended the book "Love Must BE Tough", by Dr. James Dobson. I bought it yesterday and just started reading it. I think reading it will help me not feel so lost and crazy. In flipping through the book I have read that when we try to hold on to our spouse so tightly the more they want to run. As soon as they have a break from the fight they run. When we step back a bit (I think with healthy boundaries and taking care of ourselves) that is when they are drawn closer to us. It feels unnatural in the middle of it but makes sense when you think about it. I've done that in the past it did work. I just feel so desperate and afraid of the future right now I want to grab any hope and never let go. Stepping back feels so overwhelming. One person said "If you love someone let them go. If they come back to you he was yours all along. If he doesn't he was never yours to begin with." I hate that saying. We stood before God and promised to belong to eachother. He is mine and I am his. That is what scripture says. It all gets so confusing. So many people telling me to do so many different things. It is so difficult to sit in the quiet and listen to the Lord. Maybe I am afraid of what He will tell me.

I really didn't mean to make this about me. I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. I am praying for you and your family. By the way, we lived in Arizona for 20 years. We lived in east Mesa. We love the change of seasons we have now but i do miss the beauty of the desert. I didn't appreciate it until we left. Have a blessed, peaceful, and joyous day!!