My H has had an EA (I doubt it is just an EA) for the past 15 months. The 4th D-Day was 3 weeks ago. HE HAS DONE A 180 DEGREE CHANGE.Yet I'm obsessed thinking where is he at, is he talking with her, seeing her. He's doing everything right this time but it's feels suffocating. How can a man go from contempt and disgust for his wife to I love you so much, your the moon and stars, in a matter of weeks? What man would risk being a weekend father for just an EA after being busted and busted again.
sINCE the last D-Day I've cried twice and I've been very apathetic. Is this me suppressing my feelings. I swore I would never fall apart like I did the first time. I'm scared that it's too little too late. I wonder if my feelings for him are not there, or if they are there are going to hit me like a semi someday.
I don't know how to want to trust someone that has lied to me consistantly for 15 months. He was so good at it like he didn't have a conscious. I can't keep him on a 2 inch lease, nor do I want to. Sometimes I get so sick of talking about it, our feelings, and analizing everything to . I have couples over just for the distraction and the illusion of a normal happy family. Yet that is exhausting too. I feel I have sacrificed so much and my husband doesn't understand that. I have read this web site for almost a year because I have chose not to tell anyone except for one friend. It is amazing how much shame the BS feels.
You are going to obsess because you have just experienced another D-day..the trust just isn't there...all the feeling you are experiencing are normal..
It is not enjoyable being the policeman..I checked my H's cell phone for about a month then every so often after that but decided that I would find out if he was still in touch with the OW and if so H would be gone. MC and IC helped my H. The funny thought when I read your post is that my H stuck to me like glue, smothering feelings, he was just there for the most part all the time...if he wasn't with me he was at his office..and our daughter was there. H worked to find a method of being accountable that worked for him, I really never had to ask him what he was doing.
Time and positive actions on your H's part will make life a bit easier.
Denise has experienced a lot of D-days...if you are around in the afternoon you can find her on the open board CHAT in the afternoons usually around 2 to 4 pm eastern time..
Take care and I am so happy that you are feeling safe enough to post, just know we are here for you.
((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
1. If your H has done a 180 degree change, why don't you still KNOW whether his A involved physical intimacy? You have been SO hurt and abused through his lying for so long (I was, too...actually, longer), that you need raw honesty! Absolute truth...even if it hurts. But remember, as much as it may hurt to hear, your need-to-know might be greater. That honesty will help start to restore trust.
2. We are 8 months from our FINAL d-day (3 of them over two+ years). My H behaves similarly to yours about showering me with love and accolades. He is shamed by his actions...and the toll they took on me. Every day, he acknowledges my strength in dealing with his abhorrent behaviors, that he is overwhelmed with respect and love for me...that's when he truly expresses his love - and his regret - to me. I think it's healing for him. The 'love' word is still too difficult for me to say yet, other than over the phone or written.
3. Your pain is so raw right now. Consider what is best for YOU right now...that will be enough to deal with.
4. Post and read here often. I know it really helped (and helps) me.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
>I doubt it is just an EA
>The 4th D-Day was 3 weeks ago.
>I don't know how to want to trust someone that has lied to me consistantly for 15 months.
Life:
I'm glad you posted. I'm betting you already 'know' they answer to your question, but you really want to know how to get around that. I quoted a few key points that you made. You're essentially 3 wks past a 1 1/4 year betrayal. Nobody gets past the obsession that goes with betrayal in 3 weeks, especially when they still have doubts about the truth.
The more transparency your husband shows you, the easier it will be to restore trust. The more vulnerable he makes himself, the more vulnerable you will be willing to be to him. Saying "I love you" is a vulnerable thing for many people.
What can you do to encourage him to be vulnerable to you? Whatever you can do to help him give you the entire and whole truth seems like a first step. That encouragement can come in the form of positive reactions, or negative reactions. Either one can be effective.
It may be necessary to start with a heart-to-heart talk, to explain to him as clearly as possible what the situation is, what he needs to do to make reconcilation a reality. Let him know the extent to which your feelings have been extinguished, but leave him hope to work toward rekindling them. A few weeks of good behavior is not enough to realize reconcilation, at least was not for me. Reconcilation required a complete turn around that lasted beyond any temporary time period so that I was convinced it was a real change, not one meant to pacify and patronize me. I wouldn't be surprised if you felt the same.
My realization this morning is that if I don't feel love for my H then the A can't hurt. It's when I am loving him intensly as the human being I idealized, want him to be, that he wanted to be, that the impact of the A becomes so intensified.
I haven't figured out if I can love him for the lying, cheating, bastard, emotionally undeveloped, selfish human being that he is (was...is???). I'm sure I'll come around to finding some way to do that...or maybe not.
Ok...I've got to go to the positive place or I am going to spiral and I really have to focus on work today. So here goes nothing.
I really want to love this man again. We have so many good memories, so many fun times, so many shared issues, and he pulled me out of depression and built dreams of a future I couldn't see on my own. This affair can be the catalyst and reason for taking our friendship and love to a whole new "real" level that I might not be able to get from another man who I will likely idealize and who will idealize me and we'll have a lovely surface relationship that knows no depth. This A is an opportunity to convert a rotten egg into a golden jewel. Nothing good comes easily. A bit of hard work, focus, and energy on the marriage, on myself, and on himself and we will have a relationship we can be proud of.
Doesn't everyone deserve to beloved and cherished for their true selves? Ahhh...but don't "I" deserve to be loved and cherished for my true self? Can he love me the way I deserve to be loved? Will he love me the way I deserve to be loved? Will he do the work to gain the strength of character that he will need to love me the way I have already committed to loving him?
ping pong ping pong ping pong - you're not alone. but, if you're the ping pong ball just remember you have a choice to think what you want to think when you want to think it - because you're a human ping pong ball you can choose to stop playing the game....even it if doesn't feel like it.
arrr...but part of the hardwork is facing the pain, the triggers, the emotions....I'll take another week of numbness. When I'm numb I can function at work. Sadly, that is more important right now than dealing with the fallout of an A.
sorry so stream of conscious. I'm going to stop playing the game now and go back to work.
