I am just so sick of it. Sick of everything. I am so mad that I have to even deal with this **** and that it ever came in my life. My life was fine before and it felt like I could deal with anything but now everything is just turned up side down. I can’t watch a movie or tv because 90% of them has to do with A or has a character in it with his name and then it acts as a trigger. Me and my W are going trough a very tough time now and the A just complicates things ten fold and I am gonna loose it.

Not a great day for me either, Hart. So, sadly, I cant' offer much in the way of advice or encouragement or support...other than to say, I understand. I am emotionally exhausted and drained. And my H is very much at a point of just wanting to get on with our lives. How am I supposed to keep up with him and his forward pace, when I still remain crippled from what he did? And, I completely understand trying to go about the job of daily living and putting A recovery momentarily aside only to be bombarded by the media with a trigger...or coincidental quirks of fate that contain OW's name...or fill in the blank! Its just not fair.

Think there's a way to cryogenically freeze us for awhile just so we could get the mental break?

I wish I could offer more than to share my kleenex box with you, but today's just not a "rah! rah!" day.

We've been through these before, Hart, so I know we can each make it through, I suppose. Sometimes, its just harder to see around to the next bend.

Whatever you and your W are going through aside from the A, I hope can be resolved soon. The double strain on the marriage feels terrible. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

I was thinking we might be able to get a bulk discount if we all go together.

Seriously.

Stop
Sit down
Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Take another deep breath
Take another deep breath

You are breathing
It's not much
but
You are breathing

You have a roof over your head
You have food on the table
You have children, family, and/or friends, and HH friends
You are not alone

Take another deep breath.
One step at a time.
Break it down into baby steps.
And then just take one - clean the dishes, make a phone call, file a paper away.
Feel progress.

Stop take another breath.
take another step.

You can do this.

That's about all the rah I think any of us can take right now, its about all I can take. I wish I had more to give.

I was about to lose it two weeks ago. Really, really lose it, actually I kinda think I did lose it. But, here I am two weeks later looking back and promising you that in 2 days, or 2 weeks, or maybe a month you WILL look back and think "I almost lost it". But, you'll be past it.

You'll be ok Hart. You'll be ok BlueIris. I need you to be, because by then I might be losing it again.

Hart, I totally understand. Why do we have to deal with the mess and pain of someone else's bad, bad decisions? I think we have to keep our eye on what we want - and from what I have read of your story, it sounds like you want to stay married and have a good life with your wife. And, I want a healthy M with my H. So, that means that we have to get through this somehow and get to the other side. I just hope that the other side is pretty wonderful and compensates us for this hell.

Seems like there are a few of us not having a good day.

The reminders in every day life are gruelling. It always seems like when I'm finally not obsessing on my own, something pops up to put the A right back in the fore ground of my thoughts. You can't get away from it!

Have you s/w W about these triggers? I have alot of song triggers, which H is aware of. At my therapists suggestion when a song comes on that is a trigger H reaches out to hold my hand, which is comforting. Initially he used to change the song, which I was OK with, but C said that was more of an avoidance of the issue, holding my hand was an acknowledgement. It is better when he holds my hand. it feels like there is a bond between us. The wall going up between them and a window opening up between us.

Lisa

Lisa,

The holding hands when having a trigger moment helped me so much..Somewhere he stopped doing that but it has been 5 yrs and the A isn't part of our life anymore.


Hart,
I hope all goes better for you...

((((hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

How about when your having a trigger and the thought of him holding your hand makes you cringe? That's what its/have been for me. Makes me want to smack him.
Jetta

Oh, Jetta....I hope it isn't that way every day. But, I did just get out of two weeks where I could barely say I love you - I felt like I was lying next to a stranger in my bed. I couldn't even recognize this man. It was the weirdest feeling. But, with time, talking, that loving feeling is coming back. It could just be some new roller coaster I'm on. I'm in love...I'm out of love....I'm in love.... vs. I'm staying, I'm going, I'm staying...Or I love you, I hate you, I love you.

It's like Magic Mountain - there's all kinds of different roller coasters to ride on.

I totally understand what you are saying hart about loosing it, although I'm only in the early stages. The phrase that just won't be killed is "this is not fair".

As for triggers, I've not found too many triggers in everyday stuff like music etc - but I'm terrible with places. I don't know why this would be - maybe because I have a good memory for places and locations. Maybe also the fact I knew the other men before hand (and during) so there isn't a lot of "mystery"? Also I know other people with the names, so the association isn't strong.

I have a few big problem locations now though and I don't know what to do about them.

1) Tower bridge - Only time I've ever been across it my W had the OM arm around her and I was shut out.
2) Street near work - Where I on phone told W that I was really upset about how much affection she was showing the OM and that they were acting like a couple and that it was unfair. And where she did a 100% job of convincing me there was nothing wrong and she was very sorry and she would stop. I later read an email message between her and OM saying how I was getting suspicious and they had to be more careful...
3) The square where she told me over the phone about OM1

Tower bridge is a sod, because lets face it - its an iconic london land mark!! Hard to hide from!

When the trigger is a location or restaurant ..I have gone back to some with my H and reclaimed it...make new memories...make a fun date so when H or I think about that place it isn't just about the OW.


pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Jetta

I've been there, cringing at his touch of any kind. But for some reason when he reaches out to hold my hand during a song, it feels right. Nothing else in our R seems to be going well, and I don't know if we will R or D. But I have to give the C credit on this one, the hand holding feels good.

Adam

You are in the early stages and some of these triggers will begin to fade in their intensity. They will not go away completely. You will never forget where you were when you found out, but the pain wiil subside a bit when you are reminded of that place as times goes on.


Lisa

Thank you all for the support and posts….

Lisa, I did tell my W about the triggers. We are very open now and share everything and she has been great regarding that. Two nights ago we went to rent a movie and got all the snacks ready, it was gonna be our movie night. The movie started of by people having an A and instantly she asked if I wanted to continue…I said I would try and push trough it but the movie continued on that note and when she saw that I was getting upset she stopped the movie and said “it’s ok, we can just watch tv”. I felt bad and apologized for ruining movie night and she told me not to apologize because it’s her fault that we are even in this position.

The intensity of the triggers or their effect on me is getting less but they are still there and in those down moments when they hit you that it’s sometimes hard to acknowledge progress.

Last night I broke down and I kinda came to realize why I was so upset and felt so drained and miserable. The A and everything that goes along with it still bothers me a lot. It bothers me to the point were I can’t just let it go and I feel the need to talk about it, voice my discontent and ask questions, YET I am soo tired of it. I am tired of getting upset and feeling like crap. I’m tired of crying and talking about it. It is this conflict I think that driving me nuts and that is so mentally draining. I told my wife in bed last night that I miss being happy.

We agreed that today we are gonna try and for one day not discuss the A at all. I will not ask about contact at work, we will not talk about the A or get upset. We are just going to go out to dinner and talk about pleasant stuff…wish me luck

Hart,

I think you are being too hard on yourself...You are feeling the normal emotions that go on in a recovery period...

Some things that helped me at the 6 months plus...I bought a notebook and wrote in it when I was having a down moments and really wanted to spout nasty things at my FWS...the anger is in that note book. I told my H about the notebook and he was free to read it at any time..I am willing to bet that he has never picked it up...and that is OK..at one point I told my H we would only talk about the A once a week...that didn't last...but we did try to limit the A discussion to a half hr or less..

Your need to rebuild the trust and until you feel secure the doubts creep up...Your wife may be able to help you by walking in the house after work and saying to you..."great day nothing unusual happened"...that would tell you she didn't have any significant contact with the OM...

I hope that you have a wonderful dinner!!!

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."