I am over 2 years past D Day with a remorseful H, who is doing what he can to make things right. I still obsess a few times each day and still react to the many triggers that surround me but thought I was making real progress. Then, last night - kaboom - a flashback that sent me plummeting to the depths of despair.
As I may have said before, H is starting his own business and is doing quite well and already has a few clients. This means that he is going to different offices which, of course, I see as new opportunities to stray. (I now see the world as literally littered with girl garbage who seduce married men.) Last night, I came home and H was still at work.
I was back to where I was before D Day - waiting for H, no phone calls, he's not answering his cell and I can't reach him, despite dialing his number over and over like a madwoman. I feel shut out of his life, with the door slammed in my face, while a big orgy is happening on the other side of the door. I feel like I did then - that I don't matter to him, that he doesn't care about my feelings, that he has forgotten about me, that I am the last person on his list of people to think about. I started to sob and sob - big racking, noisy ones and thought, I am just never going to get over this. H's worst fears are right - I am going to suffer forever and bring him along with me.
I finally decided (after I took an anxiety pill) to go out - got some ice cream for dinner, went to a bookstore and bought lots of books. When I got home, H had called. He didn't understand why I was so upset as we had agreed that he would always check in with me at around 7 and let me know what was going on and that's what he did. He did not bring his Blackberry into the meeting, which he apologised for and said he would try to remember to always have it with him. A half hour later, he was home and all was well.
What is wrong with me? Why did I go so crazy? There is some deep, dark place within me that A activated and made bigger and darker. I really need to fill that place with sunlight or I will go mad. Sometimes I feel like I'm OK and then something like last night happens and I feel like I will never be all right and probably never really was. I was only OK because H was shining his light on me but now I realize that I have to be my own light and I just don't know how.
So much damage from so many places....just feeling discouraged today.
And, H is being amazingly understanding but I can tell he is as tired of this roller coaster as I am. And, honestly, I don't blame him.
Feel better now. This is a great place.
This message has been edited by selfesteemseeker on Sep 11, 2007 6:45 PM
This is quite normal. Out of the blue it will some time hit you like a ton of bricks. We are stubborn people, and a part of us just does not want to accept, so all the A crap rears its ugly head from time to time. Look back and see that you are better now, on a whole, than you were 6 months ago, and you are a whole let better than you were in that first year. In times they will hit less and less often and for the most part not quite so hard.
I personally think this type of reaction is directly related to the emotional trauma of betrayal. I've read some people calling it, or at least comparing it to post traumatic stress syndrome, where you react as if it is really happening again simply based on subtle similarities between what is going on in the moment and what went on at the time of the initial trauma. In my own experience, the things that caused this kind of reaction lost their sting over time and exposure.
For somethings it has mostly if not entirely faded. However, there are a few things that continue to give me thoughts of doubt. Those are mostly doubts about the sincerity of my wife's intentions in reconcilation, rather than thoughts about her having affairs, but both reflect doubt about trustworthiness.
As Ami said, the come out of the blue and most people have them, but if you check yourself you can often overcome the irrational nature of them. Of course, that doesn't mean we turn a blind eye to situations that can allow affairs to occur. Those are the healthy proactive steps we take in our relationship to ensure that the secrecy of affair is defused before they even get a start.
As Tom said on this post and James on my post on Deeper, it is/is like PTSD. A trigger brings you back to the pont in time of the trauma. Although you had your "breakdown" you should look at the positive and see that you were able to pick yourself up and go out and get the ice cream. Probably a year ago you would have just stayed in and kept yourself in the tramatic moment. Its wonderful that H was so understanding.
I know what you mean about being tired of being on the rollercoaster. I want to get off myself.
Hey, Friend!! Boy, did this post resonate with me. Yesterday, just an hour or so before you had your kaboom moment, we had one of our own. H had earlier in the day let me know his cell phone battery had died and I wouldn't be able to reach him that way. That felt a little weird, but he wasn't on the road; I knew I could still call him at the office. When it was getting close to dinner time and I hadn't heard what his ETA was, I called the office landline, we chatted briefly and he said he'd easily be home within 40 minutes. An hour and a half later: kaboom.
It wasn't so much about being angry about him being late. And I guess it wasn't even triggery in the same way that a song, a name, a restaurant, or a drink will send me reeling back to that panicky feeling we know so well. But this was trigger-y in a new way. It was like a blurry movie shot coming into focus. The thing that was so clear was the disrespect! O.k., something happened at work; give me a call and let me know you've been delayed! Can't be on the phone because you're already on another line? Send me a one line email (as you've done in the past). But this was an opportunity for common courtesy that one would normally extend to a doctor, friend, professional, whoever to just advise them something was keeping them from arriving when expected or when an appointment was scheduled for. What triggered for me was not only the disrespect of that evening, but all the disrespect tied up in the A, and tied up in our marriage.
And that's not to say that I've lived everyday of my married life being disrespected. That's not true. But there have been times when there's just an ease to treating me as if common courtesies are no big deal.
To be fair, did I make much of a fuss of those things when they happened earlier on? Not so much. The training came early in life. My own childhood days were chalkful of honoring whatever my Dad did or said, work ALWAYS came first and took top priority over Mom, sis and I. Even recently, when my mom had a health scare and was in the hospital, my dad felt compelled to help out at a conference in town that he'd earlier committed to...even though Mom's prognosis was unclear at best and she really needed an advocate in the hospital. So fast forward to current adulthood, and I easily gave my H the green light that I wouldn't rock his boat with complaining. You need to work late? That's o.k., I understand. Crisis there? Of course, that happens. You got lost in the project and were 2 hours later coming home than you told me? Gosh, honey, please call me next time, k? - I was worried about you. Sheesh! Where was I in that picture???
Maybe, Susan, its what you brought up about figuring out how to shine the light yourself instead of looking for H to shine on you. I guess if I'm not going to stand up and say, "hey, I deserve to be respected. Keep me in the loop. Be aware I'm in A recovery here and am more sensitive about your absences and delays now. Remember whether or not I'm with you, that I'm your wife. You don't have to report your every breath and gesture, but treating me with the same minimum level of concern that you would a client is asking you to respect me as a human being."
Again, I know, I know, I know: the A is not my fault. But when I didn't notice how I was letting myself be disrespected and treated less than others (like when I was growing up), was I paving the road for H to disrespect me in one of the biggest ways possible?
I'm going to have to ponder that more. I'm glad you and your H were able to work through this. I understand the personal struggle oh so well. And how tiresome and grueling this path is.
BTW, Susan, I loved the "girl garbage" line! Ain't it the truth?
Be well; I'm hoping for better days for you, me and the rest of our cohorts here. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
This is the learning experience where actions speak loud and clearly. My H was the same inconsiderate person for most of our marriage...my dad as much like your Dad Blue..my mother found out she had cancer, was in the Hospital I had to drive 1-1/2 hrs with a 2 week old baby and a 22 month old..to pick her up and drive her home 10 minutes...then drive back to where I lived.. because Dad had a meeting at work.
You both made it clear to your H that you need to be FIRST. Respect you by calling...it takes a while to learn new behaviors but with time your H will learn to call and it will be automatic.
The panic feeling will lessen with time and trust rebuilding bit by bit..
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
