Hi to all! I can't believe I am in week 4 after discovery and am now just finding this forum. Boy have there mannnny monents where I could have used you.
I actually found this site when I started reading Shirley P. Glass's book NOT "JUST FRIENDS". She was so insightful that before I even got to the first chapter I just had to see where she was today and if she is doing any healing/marriage seminars. I was saddened to see that she passed away in 2003. I'm looking forward to finishing her book.
OK, as I stated I am in week 4 and have decided along with my husband to save our marriage. That certainly was not my thoughts the moment I found out. I was so ready to pack myself and children up and leave (not that I really had anywhere to go and I really should have been thinking more along the lines of packing his stuff up and leaving it on the driveway for him) - but those where my desperate "I just have to go, leave, escape, oh my God I can't believe this is happening" thoughts.
Thank goodness this is the age of the internet. The first place I went to, once I had a chance to breath, to answer my question "WHY!!" was the interenet. I found a wonderful resource (not sure if I am aloud to mention specific counselors - but feel free to email me if you would like to know). I read their insightful website - broke down and cried with a lot of what I read and I contacted them. I have to say that the most crucial time for us was those first few days. My husband and I would certainly not be at the point of healing we are today , or even still be together, if not for the simple but powerful words of advice we were given. My husband would definitely not have been open and honest about the details of his A and I certainly would not have given him the emotional security that he needed to be able to answer my questions. And boy did I grill him! He calls me "The Inquisition" (Humor has always been a strong aspect of our relationship and we are trying to use that in our healing). We have coined other terms as well....the day I found out="the day of reckoning", the other woman = "recipe for disaster" (I mean, come on, she had a tramp stamp, she's in her 20's, and she is a bi-sexual with a beautiful lesbian lover).
Boy were the questions hard to ask and even harder to hear the answers. I just had to know though. And hearing the honest answers given really has helped me.
Anyhooo, I am getting beyond the million and one over and over questions, but, the past few weeks I was almost in fight mode. I don't mean get down and tussel. I mean I was not fleeing. Becuase of that I feel like I had this false sense of strenth - my thoughts were - he felt he needed another woman because she must be pretty well I acted sexy - she must have been more interesting than me - so I became more interesting - gosh in between the roller coaster ride of emotions I was going through my husband and I even had awesome sex, etc... I was competing against my emotions about his affair. It's almost like all the thoughts and questions feuled my energy and now that I have exhausted that I am just left empty, flat. Maybe it's depression but I am making myself function. I am not laying around moping. I am making myself communicate with my friends (even though I really don't feel like it).
It's the underlying sadness I feel. I just want to feel like my old bubbly self again and wondering if she'll ever come out. How can I possibly trust my husband again. He disrespected me, made a fool of my trust and love for him and during the A time made me feel at times worthless.
Susan had said "I really need to fill that place with sunlight or I will go mad. Sometimes I feel like I'm OK and then something like last night happens and I feel like I will never be all right and probably never really was. I was only OK because H was shining his light on me but now I realize that I have to be my own light and I just don't know how." That is so how I feel already. I couldn't have said it better. I want to become a strong person for me. I want our marriage to be better than it was. I want to trust again. I want to be happy again......I just don't know how to make it all happen....
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent my jumbled thoughts.
Hey Ellen, so sorry that you find yourself here. I myself never thought that I would be on a website like this but given our situation HH is a great place and you will find all the support you need. 4 Weeks is so early and you have a long road to recovery ahead of you. It is great however that your husband is remorseful and wants to work on the marriage. That’s a good start because it’s going to take a lot of work from both sides.
It’s also great that he was willing to share the details with you. I myself had to know ALL the details and although it was extremely painful it was necessary for me to begin to move on. I would have always had questions and the sooner everything is out in the open the sooner the healing can begin. It’s a time where he can show that’s he is honest from now on and will be open about everything and a chance for you to absorb the worst and start healing. Finding out more details later on always prolongs the recovery and causes setbacks.
You said, “How can I possibly trust my husband again. He disrespected me, made a fool of my trust and love for him and during the A time made me feel at times worthless.” which is a question we all struggle with but if your H is truly committed to saving the marriage then with hard work he can make up for it. He will have to earn back you trust by what he does from now on and not by what he says. He will have to be an open book and be there for you in every way.
Know that even with a remorseful spouse, the healing takes a long time so don’t get discouraged. I am 8 months and one day from d-day and although I have made a lot of progress, it’s still a daily struggle and I still get very upset. Come here to vent and share your feelings and you will get through this. My thoughts are with you
You are more than welcome to share any web site that helped you..
We do have some that have helped members listed on the Helpful Links on the left side of the page.
I have to say that you are very fortunate that your H was open and honest with you after your discovery, not many men open up that fast...
The sex you had with your H following the A is referred to as hysterical bonding...great in helping to reconnect...and start the healing process.
Ellen the feeling you are experiencing right now...are very common..your whole system had a shock and now it need to rest for lack of a better word...your emotions are all shot..the love,hate , rage, all take a toll on you.
You will get back to being your old self..it just takes time and you are doing all the right things
You are doing great and your positive attitude is wonderful...Your H is truly blessed.
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I want to offer my welcome to you, too. I'm glad you've found this website; it is an amazing resource and the people here continually amaze me with their wisdom, compassion and understanding.
I have to be honest and admit to you that I was a bit surprised by the calm and strong demeanor you displayed in your post. Week 4 for many people is still riddled with grief, depression, anguish, etc. And then I remembered one of the MC sessions that my H and I were in early on. I remember telling the MC that I felt like a phoenix, risen from the ashes. So much seemed clearer! So many answers were coming from H, and from within my heart! (We'd done our own hysterical bonding...emotionally and physically.) The therapist looked at me with eyebrows way up in surprise and confusion. And did I detect a note of understanding that this was not an emotional place that I'd be remaining in? Not on a conscious level.
I hope that your journey through recovery is not pocked with some of the bumpier parts many of us (most? all?) have felt and continue to feel. No one deserves the pain of this ride for a second longer than necessary. However, IF you find the rollercoaster taking you through dips and pain and heartache that you previously thought you were past, please know it is very normal. As dark as one day can seem, the next can find a ray of light. I say this not to be discouraging of where you are now, but because I know some of the deeper, darker dips of the ride were also preceded for me by some of the higher, happier moments. I guess what I'm struggling to say is, "Keep your seatbelt on, and your hands and arms inside the vehicle." We'll be here to help congratulate you on the successes, and comfort and support you when its a harder day.
I'm hoping, too, that the two of you are at least considering MC and/or IC. Your H's choice to have an A is not about how beautiful the OW is/was or her available she made herself out to be. Your H somehow gave himself permission to do something destructive to himself, to you and to the marriage, and it normally takes a lot of delving to get to the root of what that is...sort of like peeling the layers off an onion.
I wish both of you well. I wish you continued success and progress with your recovery. I wish your heart peace, and hope that you are able to find your way back to the self you know and miss....however long or short that road may be.
BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Welcome Ellen to a safe place for recovery and support.
I have been here for quite a long spell now and rest assured you will find great people who will offer support,understanding assurance and confirmation of all the emotions and mental pain and anguish that a loved ones affair causes to the betrayed.
We understand your great sadness because it is the death of your dreams old marriage,thought processes and sense of reality.
It is a huge shock to the system to find out the one we loved and trusted so much could do such a thing.
Right at your point I was grieving all those and the loss of innocence I had in my relationship.
Unfortunately for me my relationship failed but their are many here who's spouses were remorseful and worked hard along with the betrayed partner to rebuild their relationship and move forward so take heart in that,you will survive even though at times it will feel like you just can't go on anymore.
Finding a good therapist for yourself and one for your H will be a good first step on the road to recovery.
Please feel free to ask any question and post and chat as much as you want here, I practically lived on this site when my first D-Day hit and if not for a number of wonderful people here and a good therapist I am not sure how much worse I would have been.
I am sorry you had to find us but glad you did, its a place nobody wanted to come to but are glad they found it after the terrible shock of a partners betrayal.
Ellen,
Welcome. I am so glad that you have come here - you are so much more together than I was at your stage. I lurked here for months before I could actually share my story. Even here, I felt ashamed.
I am glad that you could relate to some of what I wrote - makes me feel just a little bit less crazy. I could also relate to some of your experiences. Humor is also an important part of my relationship with H and we also, like so many others, have words for the creature who invaded our M. I call her "IT" because I can not use a female pronoun when talking about her -to me, she is not at all womanly in any sense. Sometimes, we call her "Girl Garbage" or "Trashbag." All pretty immature but it helps to be allied with H in perspective about the OW. (One of the hardest part of recovery, for me, was thinking about them sharing laughter.) We also went through the hysterical bonding stage - very sexual, loving and attached. I think that the prospect of losing eachother is so scarey that, at first, you hold on for dear life.
But then, the love and the passion share the stage with rage, fury, grief, deep down pain, self-doubt, thoughts of revenge, insecurity - it is a pretty wild and horrific ride. Even now, two years later, I still take the plunge into the depths of despair, as the post you read talked about. But, I can also tell you that our M is better than ever and better than it would have been without the trauma of the A and the jolt it gave us both. I love my H today in a more true, more mature way and our M is more respectful and kinder than ever before.
However, I can't say that I trust him nor can I say that I would marry him again if I knew the pain that was in store for me. Unlike some of the people here, my M was in a really bad place prior to D Day - H was drinking, mean, irresponsible, cruel and as it turns out, cheating. There would be periods of calm and love but I am glad that I am not in THAT M anymore.
Keep writing, reading, venting, sharing and trying to get the M you want. We are all here for you, all with different stories, histories and Hs - you will find lots of similarities as well as differences - but we all know the devastation of infidelity. While there are some key and essential requirements to recover, nobody does it the same way or on the same timing. I hope you find your way to a better M and more importantly, to a happier you.
Sorry Selfesteem, but something you said just jumped at me and i had to comment. You said "was thinking about them sharing laughter" and that kills me too. She told me that it obviously started of with them being friends. They worked late shifts together and apparently always joked around. Puts a lump in my throat thinking and writing about it.
Just wanted to say Welcome Ellen, and thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your pain. Feel free to post and vent, or ask questions. The people here are simply wonderful and will do their best to comfort or help you as best they can. But the most important thing is to remember to take care of YOU
I also love the book "Not Just Friends". It was the first book I read after d-day 1. There were many things in there I was not ready to hear when I first read it. I am re-reading parts of it again as we speak.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Again I can't express how fortunate I am to have found you guys. Up until this point I really have only told my best friend(BF). Thank God for her. There is no way that I could have told any of my "friends" around me what happened. Too small of a town. Not to mention the shame I would feel and the looks my H would get while we are trying to reconcile. With out my friend I probably would have gone insane with all the rage and sadness all bottled up. She was there for me from day one even though only by phone but her telephonic shoulder was enough for me to cry on. So, to be able to vent to another source and give my poor friend a brake is great. Not to mention that everyone of you has been there and completely understands.
Thank you all for your wonderful words of encouragement.
Blue Iris and Susan,
You know it's funny you say that I seem so strong right now. My BF said those same words to me today. She complimented me on how well I was handling everything. Of course she said those words and I promptly broke down and started crying on her telephone shoulder .... once again. I told her I am totally faking it. No one around me knows what is going on so I have to pretend all is normal. The children need a strong mamma. I still have school functions I have to attend, play dates to go to, etc.....It is sooo killing me to have 2 me's. The fake and the real me who just wants to crawl in bed and be awakened when it is all over.
As far as anger - today I am feeling a lot of it. I so wanted to text my H and type "I HATE YOU!!!!" - or maybe that is rage. I have so many thoughts going through my head asking myself why I want to stay with him. It is because of his underlying issue of why he did what he did (because don't the pros say it really isn't the surface "marital problems" that led them astray it's the deeper underyling problem that hasn't been dealt with?) that he has slowly been draining the happy me away. Now that I look back it all seems so clear. It has been 3 years in the making and the A was just the topping.
So, I have to ask myself...is he going to be worth it. Will my children be better off with or with out their dad. Of course my first thought is they would be better with him but then they will have a mamma who is always underneath the surface so sad and not truly happy.
Don't you wish we could look into a majic crystal ball and see which door to open?
I am so sorry you have a reason to be here. You are hurting more than you have probably hurt in your whole life. We do understand, as you are well aware.
Please remember that healing, true healing when both members of the couple are working hard, takes a long time because the devastation is so great and also because uncovering the causes can take quite a while. So please give yourself the gift of time. Don't feel that you must rush to decide what to do. Give yourself permission to live one day at a time. Focus on taking care of yourself and your children day by day.
Keep reading about A and trying to understand the underlying reasons why your H could give himself permission to have an A. Over time, you and your H most certainly can figure out the reasons.
Please remember that A can happen in both unhappy and happy M--obviously, because they do and because an A is ALL about the WS, and not about the M or the BS at all! It is very common for WS to start treating the BS badly once s/he gets involved with OP because WS feel a need to find a reason to blame the BS for their having an A. They rewrite history to fit in with their foggy picture while they are in an A. (We BS rewrite history after Dday!) I am not suprised that you realize that your H has not been treating you very well for the last few years, as many/most of us experienced the same kinds of behaviors from our WS while they were in their A.
I'm not saying this will happen, but please be aware that we BS often feel worse a few months out from Dday than we did right after Dday, but that is normal because we are suffering from trauma. There are strong reasons why we call this the rollercoaster. Sit down, put on your seatbelt, grab the bar and hold on for dear life because the ride is just starting. Like real rollercoasters, you CAN survive and even thrive after you get off this ride.
I know I have, as have many others here, like TomJ, Pat, Ami, El, Rett, Helen, Kid. Remember that you now have not only your BF's shoulder to cry on, but a whole website full of shoulders!
"As far as anger - today I am feeling a lot of it. I so wanted to text my H and type "I HATE YOU!!!!"
If you feel like going back to the first part of August you will find my story. My H went on a trip with his OW and I had to wait 2 weeks to confront him.
I can honestly say that I have never in my entire life felt such hatred, anger and rage for a human being as I did toward H the moment I confirmed (what I pretty much knew) my H's A.
It was Thursday, August 2...exactly 6 weeks ago.
One difficult aspect for me is knowing I will never feel that safe trust again.
At this point, I don't know whether we will make it or not. I do know he is trying very hard to get back in my good graces and I'm not sure if he feels so bad because I was hurt or he feels bad because he knows he did the wrong thing. Or, maybe he just feels bad because he got caught. <shrug>
Last week was my birthday and he went overboard to make it an extra special day for me. His gestures were very thoughtful and I appreciate everything he did, but there is this part of me that just can't get too comfortable.
I suppose we have made some progress in that initially when he touched me I would <cringe> and we have managed to have some amazing sex. He stays so close to me in the bed I am roasting hot and feel like I am going to suffocate.
So, I guess I am not much comfort to you, but if misery really does love company, here I am
I am so happy that you posted..
all that you are experiencing is the roller-coaster of emotions..
You will find that it takes time to feel "normal" and trust takes a long time to re-emerge.It sounds as if your H is really trying to reconnect with you.He is trying to spoil you, and Karen let yourself be spoiled, You deserve it..the important aspect to be aware of is that that he is being totally transparent with you.
Take care,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Ellen - don't judge yourself for wanting to deal with this with Grace and Dignity and not being able to do it all the time. You're in a state of trauma and you may found you do somethings that are out of character for you. Feeling angry, bitter, vengeful may be feelings you don't normally have and now you wonder why you a good person are turning to those feelings. Its normal.
I know you probably hate to hear it, but it is part of the process.
I did 23 years ago...did it for the fact that H loved the children, had no idea what I would do if I left ...H promised to be faithful...I loved the man I married...Still do
5 years ago...I was ready to leave...This time MC/IC..H still lied about one thing..stupid thing..2yrs ago more information...my gut was right..
now I have the man I married...but better person now..
You have to do what is right for you.
((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
