I am soo deeply hurt by the thought that she had feelings for someone else. I know they weren’t “true” and they were superficial feelings based on flattering that was feeding of low self esteem and other issues, but it hurts. It’s a huge hit to my ego and it takes away from that feeling of, “I am special to her and she only loves me”, “I’m all she wants” Superficial or not they were strong enough to act on and now I am thinking of the physical part too and uugh, talk about disturbing. It hurts, it hurts. I apologize for rambling, I am just not doing well at all and feel so bothered and hurt by everything today.
Hart you are having a tough day, and it's good you recognize it as such. You are having a low moment, based on your W's actions of THE PAST. No question about it, she made very poor choices, but they weren't driven by her lack of love for you. You were not in the "loop" and that hurts.
You'll need to start working on a method to help you with your Brain Trash (mental images of them together). Brain Trash is counterproductive to your healing, or your M reconciliation. I always liked to use guided imagery...I could envision taking the images and burning them...or crumbling them up and stomping them. Whatever works, use it.
And know that you're in a downward ride on that roller coaster, and that eventually it will go back up. Hang on.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
Thank you for the advice and kind words of encouragement JJ. Dismissing bad thoughts in some way before they take control is still something I have to master.
Hart, I totally understand. Even now, two years later, an image will pop up or a memory, and it will be like being stabbed in the back all over again. I lose my breath and literally moan sometimes.
I totally accept that H didn't really love her, that it was a fantasy, that is was his issue and choice, that I wasn't responsible. But that doesn't take away the pain of knowing that during that time, I was loving him, caring for him, laughing with him, supporting him and kissing him while he thought he loved her and was doing many of the same things with her. Today, things are so much better...it's the "then" that is so horrible to contemplate.
It does get better, I promise, at least in terms of frequency....not so sure that the intensity of the pain, when it comes, is any less.
I went searching through my archives and dug up this old post of mine for you. It might be helpful.
Yes I have done allot of reading on affairs, the list continually grows. The reading helps with understanding. Understanding takes time often I would read things but deep down I would say to myself I see the words but I don’t believe them. I found I would store up certain things until the day I could really apply it. Like, “It’s not about me.” I read this in every book or article I picked up. I was told it over and over again by those that had gone b4 me and still I wasn’t buying it. I mean, “How could this not be about me, I’m his wife!” By not letting this go and examining it from every possible angel I was finally able to let it be true and what an incredibly freeing experience that one was.
My counselor once explained to me and my weary husband that I obsess because I don’t understand. Once I understand I can set it aside. It is kind of like getting a song chorus stuck in your head, once you can remember the rest of the song, the melody leaves your head.
“Does that mean you reach the point where you don't question your WS?”
This seems like such a simple question but in truth it is not. A BS cannot, let me repeat this, A BS cannot reach this point with out total and radical honesty from their WS regarding “EVERYTHING,” and about themselves. The other day on a 2.5 hour ride home from the in-laws I looked over at my husband driving and I thought about how much I loved and treasured him. I have this thing about looking at him while he is driving, I loved to do that. The affair took that away from me for such along time. Most of the time with the OW was spent in his or her car on their breaks. They would take little rides and talk. For a very long time when I looked at him while in the car I would imagine her doing the same. As you can imagine this totally ruined one of my favorite, private moments. What has changed now is I know from all the hard work we have both done, that he is no longer the man the OW looked at. She never saw the H I see sitting behind the wheel.
I look at the A differently now. It is something in my past it is no longer a focal point of my life. I reached this point somewhere about 3 and a half to 4 years. My husband and I have worked very hard at getting to this point. Even with all the hard work we both put in, I knew that eventually I would have to let it go. Just like with trying to grasp concepts I wasn’t ready to accept, so I kept this thought with me until I could apply it.
We all want to condemn them I think. I know with out a doubt I wanted to make him hurt as bad as me and at the same time I didn’t believe I could possibly do enough damage to even get him close to my suffering. I hated the pain and I needed the pain. In some ways the pain told me I wasn’t crazy. Infidelity turns your whole belief system upside down and then scatters it hopelessly to oblivion. You don’t even know who the heck you are anymore. Healing comes from digging into your self and understanding why you think and feel the way you do. Then there is going to those scary places, your faults. There is a great potential for personal growth after such a trauma. You think about the A because it still just does not make sense to you. This is not what you planned, it does not fit into the frame work of what your life is suppose to be. You desperately do not want it to be true, but it is and you don’t know where to put it or file it away. This is the death of blind faith and the breaking of those fabled rose colored glasses. You have to find a new way to trust and a new way to view marriage, family, your spouse but most of all you. This takes time.
Thank you Ami, so glad you are back by the way!!!! I agree with a lot of what you say. The “It’s not about me”, “its not a reflecting on the marriage” and “its all about the BS” is stuff that’s still hard for me to understand and I struggle with it. It is like you say, you read it, you know that’s the truth but your feelings tell a different story. Your heart does not agree. I can’t wait for the day when it “clicks” and I feel that relieve. If there is one thing that you have taught me is that things take time. I still struggle with a lot of things regarding the A but I think I am at least at a stage were I can identify what I still struggle with. I recognize a bad moment or day as a low on the rollercoaster and know that there is a high around the corner. I recognize during the good times, the progress I have made (although that quickly exits the mind when I am down) and that’s motivating. Experiencing a little relieve and progress in some areas gives me hope on the other things that people say will get better and you wondered “what are they talking about, how can the hurt ever stop?, how can I ever trust again? and will the images stop?
You said, “This is not what you planned, it does not fit into the frame work of what your life is suppose to be. You desperately do not want it to be true, but it is and you don’t know where to put it or file it away” and all I can say is how true!!
