This may be a stupid question, but here goes....How can you tell if WS is genuinely remorseful , vs just trying to placate BS, until things blow over.,.
When my H and I have discussions about the M, and my H asks me what I need, for us to have a better relationship, and stay together....I tell him what I need from him...that I need for him to be honest, and not to keep secrets from me...I need a companion who can talk to me without the TV beween us all of the time..to listen to me, without his mind being somewhere else..etc,,,, no more password protection to log into his laptop, I need him to comfort me as I go through this,to realize how badly this hurts..
He will then tell me "I'm already doing what you ask, I have been, I'm trying as hard as I can. you just don't see it...you are causing me to behave this way,be hard to live with..."If you were doing such and such in the bedroom, and more often, I would be easier to live with"
WH acts as if he is the one who is betrayed or injured and needs comfort... When we finish discussions, I come away from them, feeling like I'm trivial or crazy.. that if I wasn't" mean to him throughout our marriage"...we wouldn't be dealing with post A aftermath...
Good morning, Stuck. I'm sending you hugs today; it sounds like you could use them.
You've asked the "Million Dollar Question", in my opinion. After everything we've been through as BS's, its difficult to see most anything that a WS does without at least some whisper of a question. For a lot of us, its way more than a whisper.
From what you've said in your post, the phrase that's jumping out at me the most is:
"WH acts as if he is the one who is betrayed or injured and needs comfort... "
When a person is remorseful, they don't act like the injured party. When a person truly regrets what they did, they act sorry (not angry) and they take responsibility and don't start pointing the finger in any direction other than at themselves.
I also think one of the biggest telling points for TRUE remorse is when they start making positive behavioral changes that don't come in response to a BS's request...but instead come from looking inside themselves at what they were doing wrong, and then looking to find a way to better themselves by themselves.
Your H sounds really hurt about not getting enough attention in the bedroom. I know we had issues with that, too. Sex was/is great, but during our marriage we've absolutely been "off" with each other in terms of drive, exhaustion, kids, work, different schedules, etc. But solving that problem isn't about YOU adapting yourself solely to fit his needs. Your role as H's wife is not about "attending to his needs". Its about the two of you talking about what both your needs are (or aren't), and how you both negotiate the differences or extenuating factors.
Your H sounds like he is throwing the ball completely in your corner for YOU to tell him what he has to do to improve the M and for YOU to attend to him sexually. You both, at the end of any given day, should be able to give an answer when asked the question, "what did I do today to help my marriage?" And since your H is such a stickler about what he's already complying with, I would add the phrase "...over and above what we've already agreed on."
I was thinking about your "handle"/name for a moment. It seems more appropriate for your H...but I understand how his stuckness leaves you stuck, too. ((((Stuckinonespot)))) Wish I could help more. Keeping you in my heart. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I agree with everything BlueIris has said so well. Your H is not remorseful if he can still shift the blame to you. He is making you his scapegoat for his behaviour. My H went through this phase for three years after D-day#1. He used the same kind of excuse: "I only think about her when you mention her", "You have to stop being so angry", "You're driving me away with your constant questions", "How would you feel if you were made to face something that you're ashamed of every day" etc. All shifting the blame for our continuing unhappiness to me. Of course, the main indication that he wasn't truly remorseful was that he was still continuing to contact OW behind my back, to "help her to let him go", even though I had asked for strictly professional contact only. In the end, after D-day#3, he hit rock bottom. This is a concept often described here; that the WS has to sink as low as possible before they truly realise the enormity of what they've done. At that point my H put himself in my shoes and despaired because he thought I could never love him after what he had done. Since then he has done exactly what BlueIris said: he has made changes in himself, not because I said that's what I need, but because he realises that that's what he needs to do for himself as well as me.
The sad thing is how many of the BS here have had to go through multiple D-days where they realise that the WS is not truly remorseful and another little piece of their heart dies. But it does take time. The WS has a lot of introspection to do. The WS has to fully accept responsibility for the A - however rocky the marriage, infidelity is never justified or an answer. The OP may be putting pressure on the WS from the other side (that happened in our case) so the WS feels caught in the middle and chooses victimhood rather than responsibility. If the WS never hits rock bottom, always believes he/she is a victim not a perpetrator, that is a marriage which will have difficulty reconciling in any satisfactory way. But when do you give up? From my experience, the fact that H was trying (even if only 75%) was enough to keep me with him until he finally did "get it". But it could just have easily gone the other way because after 3 years I did feel he had to resolve his own issues or I couldn't stay with him.
I know how hard this is - people keep saying it takes time, but I never realised just how much time!
((((Blue)))) and(((( Liz)))
Thank you for your thoughts on my situation...They help me, and give me a boost.... sometimes I feel like I've gone crazy and that I deserved this situation, because somewhere during our years of marriage, maybe I didn't do enough, to make everybody happy...I don't know...
I am so sorry...he is blaming you for his behavior, like Blue Iris said. A remorseful spouse does not blame the BS for what they did. The choice to cheat was his, not yours. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Stuckinonespot!!!!!!!! Never, never, never did you ever do anything to deserve this! Please don't buy into what your H is selling you. This is NOT about you doing anything wrong. This is NOT about you not doing enough.
Can any of us look within ourselves and say we've acted perfectly in our lives and in our marriages? No. Husbands and wives are human and prone to mistakes in judgment and behavior. Its the nature of humanity.
Marriages that don't have A's as part of their historical tapestry are not relationships where the husband and wife are perfectly matched, perfectly attentive and free from stress and strife. But those marriages have people who know NOT to deal with their mistakes, shortcomings and problems outside of the marriage.
From what I've seen on this journey, a spouse becomes a WS when they become so incredibly fearful that they no longer can live in reality. Those fears may be deeply buried under other emotional garbage, and they'll be different from individual to individual. And even if we BS's created a situation that helped grow those fears, a spouse always has the choice of facing his/her fears head on and with their spouse...or taking the selfishly, cowardly way out and running into la-la land.
But, please dear, dear woman NEVER believe you did anything to deserve this. This is about his shortcomings, not yours. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
