HEllo HH been a while since I last posted..ANd I"m here today for some support. Even thought I feel like I have done a lot of growing up in the last yr. Just sometimes WE need a little boost.

Why iam I here today. because last night my H told me HE wishes that I would just give up on him. See when things start to get bad IE money work .See with my H when stress starts he uses sex as his way of copying with things. a distraction from the real world. ANd pretty much again he is doing things he should not be just to piss me off.. he told me that last night.. here is the hard part for me right know ..I told him last time anymore women in his life i was out.. so know i feel like he is testing me.. he tells me he doesn't want to lose me and the kids. but in another breath he says he wants me to leave him.

I told him last night i wasn't going to be taken down with him again not this time. I"M much stronger then i used to be .

He feels that if i wanted the house that i would be working harder to keep it.. since i stay home with the kids. he think that since he is working and trying to pay the bills that if i wanted more i would be doing more...

I will be honest with you all.. I dont go to work because he has always in the past abused that instead of watching the kids he would watch porn on the computer or in the room.. pretty sad when i can't trust my H with his own kids because i'm not sure what he will do..

so here I am again with the same damn Question why do i stick it out.. see I"M angry again. that I keep being put in this spot. Maybe it is time to give him what he wants. because he doesn't want me or the kids or the house .he told me it isn't worth busting your AS* off for nothing.

he is a very unhappy man . he has been in college but droped out this yr, again because he couldn't work and do school. and I wasn;t willing to go back to work to help him out. little history when he was in school in i think 98 i was working he went bowling and out with women instead of class... I"M not a real big supporter of him on that line of it... SO am I being to jugdemental on him this time. I am really being a hardas* because i wont get a job?? AM I wrong for not wanting to put my kids in daycare and pay out all that money?

he wants to go back to work on nights... and that is when everything started last time the yahoo blog meeting women off of it. so since i dont trust him and he has told me he doesn't trust himself. that I"M holding him back on making things better for the family..

SO why is it that some men use sex as a distraction from real life. is it to cover the pain within them selfs? It will never change intill he learns to be happy with him right? I dont think he want to change this I think he likes uses sex.. and i keep taken the crap..

I am not afraid to take care of me and the kids anymore.. this is how i feel .IF he wants out he knows where the door is... I have stayed in the marriage because it is what i wanted BUT now i wonder if we really do love each other.. I love him but I"M not in love and I think i keep waiting for HIM to get it so we can fall in love again together. I fear it is a dream that just keeps taken more of us we are both wasting the best part of are life over what?

SO know I have to wonder what other women are in his life right know. and i dont want to do that anymore. It is so much a waste of time .but if i close my eyes and look the other way. then Iam the fool..

ughh sorry for being so long and rambling about a bunch of crap.. just my mind is just going a mile a min this morn.. and this is the only place i can get it out..

April-
(((HUGS))) I alone have a second to post becasue for the 9th day in a row we have a house full of the stomach flu. It's getting really old!!!

I understand how you feel and I'm so sorry that you are going through this. DDAy #4 was about 7 wks ago for me. I told H after #3 that it was over if he did it again. The last one was a 3week EA that he had to deliberatly push me out of his life. He doesn't want to face his childhood and I encourage he to do so. Every time he is close to dealing with the sexual abuse he pushes away. I didn't leave, but I did make some changes. The first two weeks he was a jerk to me. I continued making changes and all of a sudden I saw him begin to change,too. For the first time in years I saw changes from his heart and not just hoops he was jumping through to keep me. One book that I read that helped so much was Dr. James Dobson's book, "Love Must Be Tough". The changes I have been making involve respecting myself and putting up boundaries.

I was so confused when H would say that he didn't want to lose me but wanted out. Hang in there. I pray that things will get better. I pray that you will get a clear picture of the approach that will be needed to wake your H up. I am glad that you are feeling stonger then you were before. I think they get a little scared when they start to see that strength.

On a side note, my H worked part time while he went back to school. I stayed home with the kids. It was very difficult, but I was so happy that he finished something he started. I know it gave him a little self worth (he still has a way to go) He was the first one in his family to graduate from college. We have a ton of studenet loans, but I have faith that he will provide for our family.

You are worth having a joyful life regardless of the choices your H makes. It is had to seperate our emotions when we have a spouse that is unhappy or depressed, but it can be done. When I can find joy in the middle of everything, sometimes it helps pull my H up too. I hope you find a piece of joy to hold on to today. God bless. -Brooke


Good for you that you aren't afraid to take care of yourself and the kids. I don't think I am really there yet. If your H can see that your fear is gone it might wake him up. You are right, if he can straighten up, the two of you can fall in love again. Love is a choice, not a feeling. The "in love" feelings come and go. But it takes two willing hearts to get those feelings back. I can't stand to think that my H isn't willing sometimes. Have a good day.

Good morning, dear sweet April. You've been very much on my thoughts, so though its sad to see you here with sadness and a tough situation, it still is good to see you.

Your H is such a deflector! Like he's made of rubber, he has everything bounce off of him and become someone else's fault, problem, decision, etc.

Its a great way to take the spotlight off of one's own mistakes, failings, gaps, etc. But it isn't something he can run away from. And on some level, it requires that you play along and take the blame. You sound very strong right now and unwilling to go along with this line of thought. Hurray!

I think you're right. H uses other women as a means of creating that world where he is successful at something. From what I remember of your other posts, he's always talked more about the pursuit and wanting to feel like he could get these women interested. But there's still the real world and being successful at a job...or at school...or with one's wife...or kids. There's not a lot he's showing in the real world as something he can point to as his success. And so, it'd be much easier if April would just jump back into the game and say she was done...it wasn't working for her.

You're definitely NOT a fool, April. You see the illogical path your H is on very clearly. That's not foolish at all; its actually very smart.

I guess my suggestion would be to ask him: Does he want to be able to look at the marriage, you, the kids and the house as something he's helped create that is successful? And you can tell him that its something you want, too (if you feel that way). But he needs to see his own responsibility in making his life successful. And that for something to be successful, he has to stick with it - not quit it. And its also not just "sticking with it". School work takes effort. Jobs take effort. Marriages and raising kids take effort. There isn't some point we reach of having a job or a relationship where we get to put our feet up and relax.

(((April))) Its just a bunch of thoughts running through my head this morning. Hopefully, they make some sense. Stay grounded and strong. You've come to know yourself very well - - feels like you're one of those beautiful fall flowers that are probably growing in your garden right now. Strength building within the bulb - shooting out and up through the ground - - blossoming in the sun. Grow, girl, grow! BlueIris



"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Brooke,

I"m sorry your family has the flu.. mine has the cold. guess it is that time of the yr..

thank you for your reply. and I am sorry for your pain as well.. what a thing to be pushed away because of them being afraid of there past.. you gave me some great boost support today thank you....


ohhh BLue I"m feel so bad for not keeping more in touch you always have the nicest thing to say to me. sometimes i seem to get so caught up in my own life i forgot that there are others out there... I sure hope you are doing ok.. and i think of you offend.. YOU my friend are one special lady. thank thank thank you. for taken time to reply to me and give me the boost.

I do feel stronger and today as the cell phone rang and the text message poored in from H and I went on with me day as if i just didn't know where my phone was HEHEHE he is now feeling bad for what he said and what he has been doing. I know the sigh so well.. I wont play into for what..

YA know i did some thinking as i was mowing the lawn.. i think best doing that LOL .

HE needs me to support him and I have tryed and I really have gotten better about how i show him. But i can't make him finish school or help him figure out what he needs to make him happy. he keeps telling me I am the Rock of the family and I need to keep him in touch with him stay inbetween the lines.. ya know what that is great but when he slips who takes the fall I do and then i feel I failed ..so i just can't keep him in the line so to speak.

what have i learned in the last 9 months since last women in jan. that he like to BULLsh*t people mainly me. and for once i see right through him. I do not blame my self for his action. what i do blame is not working harder on trying to save my house but ya know staying at home is really hard work. and I have choosen to stay home. I have been looking for a job that would fit in but when ever i go for an interview he blows up.. so I feel damn if i do damn if i dont..

anyhow I just need a soft place to speak my thoughts today and thanks for listening and replying may you all be well..

hugs
april/

(((April))))and (((((Brooke)))) My thoughts and prayers are with you...
Lisa