I found out 12 days ago that my husband had been having an affair. He was breaking it off with her and it got ugly, so he told me. She is someone that he met online...and eventually had a physical relationship with her when he traveled to NY on business. I never thought that this would happen to us...never in my wildest dreams. We are trying to work it out...and (ironically, enough) are more together emotionally than we have been in months.
We have four little boys...ages 10-4...and I don't know that I am really dealing with this like I should. The kids have NO idea that anything is going on. We are starting counseling sessions on Tuesday...but I am so nervous about all of this. I want to be able to talk it out...but I just feel like I am numb right now.
I have the answers that I wanted ...I have seen all of her emails...and his...and the pictures that were sent back and forth. The pictures that were taken of them together were definitely the worst for me. She took great delight in providing them to me for my "viewing pleasure".
Is it possible to get past this? I want so much for us to be able to work things out...but is that being unrealistic?
From what others here say, yes it can get better. I'ma almost at 2 years and am still working at it. Yoe are only 12 days into this and it can be a very long road.
Your at a hysterical bonding stage right now. Be prepared to go through a whole host of emotions. They will cycle around several times.
It is great that your kids are clueless, mine (at the time 5,9 & 10) were not and that was a killer for me. Even though it is mostly my fault that they know because I was such an emotional wreck. Try to keep them oblivious.
It sounds as if you and H have started out on the right foot. Keep talking and I would suggest therapy.
(((HUGS))) I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Yes, it does get better in time, but you will go through a lot during that time. I can't remember who said this, but I did read it on HH, "You have to go through hell to get through hell." Sounds pretty right on. It will be a painful process, but the only way out is to go through it.
It is a good thig that your H confessed to you. It seems more hopeful compared to when they get caught and lie about it. It doesn't change the fact that you are in pain though.
Hang in there. It will get better, but there will be days when you will wonder if it ever ends. Reach out for all the support you can get to help yourself through.
My oldest knew everything about one of my H's A's, but the other children don't know. I did let them know that we were having some problems that we were working on but didn't give them the details. That gave me the freedom of crying and showing emotions when I needed to without them wondering what was going on. I wish that my oldest didn't have to know about the A, but when if happens right in front of them it's difficult to keep it from them. It kills me to think that a part of her childhood is lost beccause her father was irresponsible and selfish. I pray that God will somehow use that as a positive thing in her life someday. Maybe she has learned not to take crap from any man no matter what.
I am praying for you and your family. It is a good thing that you will be going to MC. It can be such a blessing. I was going to suggest that you take it day by day, but looking back on how the first few weeks were for me I would say to take it hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. It will get better. This process has a different time table for everyone, but I can tell you that it will get better. It will be 2 years in Jan. since DDay #3 for me (it was the longest A and it was an EA) and it is finally starting to not feel so raw and more like a memory. Take care and God bless you and all of your boys. -Brooke
I am so sorry that you are going through this. The range of emotions you are feeling right now, let me say, is completely normal. You may feel level headed and fine at one moment and then cry over feeding the dog...it's normal.
What you describe here "We are trying to work it out...and (ironically, enough) are more together emotionally than we have been in months." is what is referred to as hysterical bonding. The two of you are grasping and clawing towards each other to find some semblance of normalcy. It can be a brief period or a few weeks long....but for most of us it ends.
I am an almost 4 yr veteran. My H didn't tell me anything, admit to things on his own...I had to confront and finally produce evidence in order for him to realize I knew. I am hoping that with your H admitting to the affair that he has admitted any and all information regarding it. Having it all out there to deal with is much better than the 'trickle' effect many of us deal with.
Just realize Laura, you are in a safe place here..with people who understand what you are feeling and know what it's like.
Remember a few things....you must make a point of taking care of yourself...so sleep, eat...exercise...take care of yourself!
((((Laura))))
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
Thank you for all of the replies. While I know that it will all come in stages...I just wish that I could stop time right now. While I hurt from the A...I don't want this feeling of closeness to go away. Is there some place that it tells about the different stages that people go through?
Am I being naive in thinking that we can build on this...? We haven't told anyone else that this is going on. I don't want it to be all people talk about...and ask me about it constantly. Is this a good idea...bad one?
I haven't read the books yet, but they may explain it. You can also look up the stages of grief on the internet depending where you look the list can be 5 to 15 stages. And, you don't really go through them you just go from one to the next and then back to other ones and then finally you're just done.
I went through these stages/emotions and this is what I call them or heard them called:
I can flip flop from extreme anger to extreme sadness on a time, any time, with just minutes between flip flops to hours and if I'm very lucky there are days in between. It's called the roller coaster.
I believe that time heals all wounds. I'm giving that theory a chance though it is difficult to believe sometimes, I do see progress. Progress really only came with the revelation of the truth.
I'm only at 5 months since dday (5 months seemed like an eternity around dday.) And, he's only started telling the whole truth a few weeks ago. So, I can't speak much to building on the relationship. But, I can say that I am learning a lot about myself. I am also learning alot about communication and setting boundaries. I'm not sure that anyone would be that motivated to learn some of these things without a catalyst - I know I wouldn't have picked an A as a catalyst but its what I got. There are several couples on this site that have navigated recovery successfully. But, I don't hear any of them saying it is the best thing that ever happened to them, their family, or their marriage. (There is a book called something like "An Affair was the best thing that ever happened to me" -or my marriage - not exactly sure of the exact title. I'm not quite ready to be reading that yet.
I don't think its about whether or not you are naive. I think it is about processing this traumatic event however you need to. And, if it is to believe in the possibility of recovery then that is what you need to do until you don't believe that is possible any more or until you have proven that it is indeed possible.
Talking to friends and family is a personal decision. In my case, I needed to confirm my suspicions so I sought 2nd opinions from my mom and friend. I also told two friends at work as I needed someone to understand my distracted behavior and give me support in the early days. I told a friend that had a relationship challenge becausae I thought it might help her to know she wasn't alone. For me, it was important to tell people and I don't regret it. Others have lost friends and family members responded differently than expected. From reading on here and my experience, I don't think that it is all people will talk about to you - most people don't want to talk about it, they aren't comfortable with it, they don't know how to approach the topic. Some will get sick of hearing about it from you. So ultimately, there is no good or bad. It depends on your needs, situation, relationships, etc.
So sorry you have a reason to be here, but glad you found us.
You will be ok whether you decide to stay or go - you can always decide to go later.
First, I have to appologize. I am new at this but I wish I had the internet when I first learned of my husbands affair. I have been reading some postings and they do help. I have to say in comparison your situation is at least starting off in the right step. First as I see it he was breaking things off with her. And secondly, he was honest with you. You will find as you go through this that honesty is going to be one of the biggest building blocks. My husband wasn't honest and it makes healing so much harder. I am glad you are already seeing a counsler. It will help when things get rocky. It's approaching 1 1/2 yrs since I found out and I still don't have all I need to really get over things. You will have bad days. No one who has trust broken like that can not. His cheating will be with you always but if he is sincere, you will get through this together. Just be honest with yourself and true to yourself. My children don't have a clue also. They are young and I am glad for that. If you don't feel comfortable talking or telling anyone about this, then don't. It can affect friendships. I lost, not completely, a friendship of many years because I don't think she agrees with me trying to work things out with my husband. There are days I understand but thats my story. If you want to depend on this site to talk to people about what your going through then do it. One thing for sure is we understand having been there. I again wish I had the internet 1 1/2 yrs ago to do the same thing your doing. Just hang in there. On bad days focas on the highlights of your life, your kids and be honest with yourself. You are traveling on the right tracks to rebuilding your marriage though.
Hey, Laura. I'm so sorry that circumstances have brought you to a place of suffering in your marriage, but we all understand here. Each of our stories are unique, but there are so very many common threads and feelings, reactions and responses. We're always here to listen whether you're crying or rejoicing.
In response to your question regarding the stages that happen during recovery, I remembered a posting Ami had that I thought might be helpful to you, so I bumped it up. Its called "The Stages We Go Through in the Process". Hopefully, it will be of some help to let you know a lot of what you are feeling is "normal". There is some comfort in that considering how surreal the whole experience is of discovering a spouse's affair, ability to lie and conduct a whole other life on the side.
Take care of yourself, Laura. The stage you're in right now is notorious for self-neglect. I stopped eating completely and could only sleep very briefly and fitfully in those first few weeks.
As for letting people know, it is good to have someone to confide in. However, try to be prudent about that decision and discerning of who will really stand in your corner whether you decide to leave the M or reconcile.
Again, welcome. ((hugs)) BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
