I have a question for everyone. You all know how crazy we make ourselves feel. So I just wanted someone to tell me it's ok i've been there.

My h is trying very hard to gain back my trust. but every time we start to get close to putting this behind us I get this gut wrenching pucky feeling. I don't want to let it go, it's as if I want to continue to feel the pain. Why when I start to feel better do I search for a reason to find a reason to be un-happy. it's like I thrive to find inconsistecies in his stories, I need to find fault in him. Why can't I accept the fact that he has given his past lfe up???? It's like I want to hurt.

But, its only been 5 months for me. I hope I don't feel this way after 2 years. Also, he was just really mean to you so you don't feel safe. He is not making you feel safe. He continues to hurt you emotionally. So why is it this week that you are supposed to feel so trusting and safe now.

I just wrote on another post that I face the pain like I want to see how bad it has to be before I leave or something. Seems sort of masochistic. I don't really understand it myself either. But, you aren't alone in this feeling.

I'm new here...its been 10 months since I found out my husband has been having a five year affair. He's given her up, changed his ways and trying to earn my trust....but I alway find ways to keep making myself not trust. I think its away of not being able to be fooled again. I know how you feel

I am going on 2 years of this. I feel the same way. What it really comes down to is the fear of trusting them again and the possibility of them doing it again (at least for me). The other day something came up and I responded to H "What does it matter? You've already done what I feared most! Nothing is left and the past won't ever go away!". Maybe not the thing to say, but it is what I felt/feel. I hate feeling like this and I want to let it go and move on. However, the fear of this ever happening again won't leave me. I am reminded of it daily by stupid things such as songs, tv, movies, and just couples I see out in the parking lots!

I'm not sure if I was much help, but I wanted to share with you how I still feel. Some people are better at dealing with it and moving on. I have to admit that I am not one of those people. I sometimes really hate that about myself. Maybe it's something that I just need to accept about me and try to live with it the best I can. It's not something that is easy to change when you have been deeply hurt in your life.

Hang in there,
Jetta

>>>Why when I start to feel better do I search for a reason to find a reason to be un-happy. it's like I thrive to find inconsistencies in his stories, I need to find fault in him. Why can't I accept the fact that he has given his past life up???? It's like I want to hurt.<<<

It's been many years from D Day for me, Sweetgrace, and I still deal with this at times! I think it relates to the fact that those feelings, however negative & potentially self-destructive, serve another purpose, as well--they become familiar, like an old friend (in a sick kind of way) and we become habituated to them. They also help to keep our guard up, sometimes even when it isn't as necessary as it once was. They create a defensive wall, and long term bitterness eventually creeps in. They become another source of doubt and self-guilt for hanging on to them.

I have learned that rather than fight with these feelings, embrace them with tenderness, as you would a small child. An injured child. This is NOT to say hold on to them forever, though. Acknowledge them, accept them for what they are as aftermath, and dwell instead on what makes you happy and whole. Surround yourself with upbuilding persons and avoid negative persons who feed the "dark side", even those who may inadvertently amplify those feelings in you.

Please realize that the wound that has happened to you has created what I call a "trauma bond" with your H, and by creating new, positive memories with your H and others, you will crowd out the garbage---"I haven't got time for the pain...I haven't the NEED for the pain..." (Carly Simon)
BB

I am in the same boat as Jetta. It has been almost 2 years and I live with it everyday. The reminders are there everyday. I don't know if it is me and my being unable to "let it go" or if it is H who is just not giving enough.

However there are many on this board who have truly healed. They have remorseful spouses who have done everything in their power to make their marriage whole again. You are at the very early stages (it is less than a month, I think?) and it does feel like you cannot wake up from this nightmare, but you will. You are not doing anything wrong, your H did. He caused this wound and it is going to take a long time for it to heal. The pain will lessen and if you have a spouse who is truly remorseful things will get better.

I just can't say it enough, YOU are not doing anything wrong. Your reactions are totally normal. It is the longest and wildest rollercoaster ride you have ever been on. I went from wanting to commit suicide one minute to clinging to H for dear life the next.

Take care of you right now. Your H caused this and needs to deal with the fall out.

Lisa

Lisa,
I sometimes think the same thing. If it is just me, or if H is just not showing true remorse. I may be completly wrong on this, but I would think that once our S shows "true remorse", we would know it. Or maybe some of us just fail to see it.

Jetta