Wow - where has the time gone? My month of no contact with my H is coming to an end at the end of this week. I don't know if I'm ready for it.
As soon as my NC request started, I have barely had crying fits like I did all summer long. I have not had one suicidal thought. I have not once wanted or longed to call or see my H. This break was the best thing I could've asked for myself.
I do feel like I have found a piece of me again...not completely...but I am getting there. I have found smiles and laughter again. I have enjoyed new friends and new hobbies.
Yes, I still cry and feel saddness...but I don't feel like I'm losing my mind like I had strongly felt at the end of August! I feel a sense of control again, I'm beginning to rebuild the pieces of me that were so horribly stomped on and smashed to the ground.
I talked to my H briefly this week - had to confront him about a hotel stay that i discovered this past weekend. He denied being there with anyone - had a story to tell, said it was not what i thought it was. Whatever. Who knows what the truth is.
He then told me that he had been working on a letter for me over the past few weeks that we had spent apart. Said that there was a lot that he needed to say to me, that he wanted to sit down together and read it, talk about it...
I don't know if I have the strength HH friends to hear "i love you BUT..." "we had great times BUT..." "you were my first love BUT..." Can I be brought back to that place again? Because that is what I'm expecting this letter to be. A letter full of regrets and sorrys that he never communicated his doubts before the A. Not that he wants to work on our M or because he can't live life without me. A "i'm sorry i didn't tell you i was unhappy before the A" letter.
I'm scared.
I'm scared that I have come so far - I'm afraid that he going to bring me back down to that awful place. I NEVER want to be back there again.
Isn't it awful that I'm looking at this week ahead of me as my last week of peace before all this crap has to be brought to the surface again. I hope that I am stronger than I think I am at this point - I hope i'm ready to face the future and what lies ahead. I know I can't put it off forever.
Just needed to get some of my fears out there -- I guess time will tell.
First and foremost, congratulations on a wonderful month of self-discovery and empowerment and calm and peace!!! I'm really proud of you, Ka, for getting out in the world, and in so doing, finding connections with it and with yourself. I truly believe you will be able to use that as an anchor for yourself in the next few weeks...and even beyond.
As for your H's letter, I guess I'd go into it with the notion of "expect the worst and hope for the best". If you start reading it and see the "buts" taking over, there's nothing that says you have to read the entire thing. You could easily pass it back to him and say, "you know what? I'm not looking for how you're trying to excuse your behavior and justify your bad choices. Marriage and relationships will always have 2 people that sometimes disagree and issues arise. But nothing justifies going outside the marriage to try and solve those problems. Until you figure that out, you'll have these same issues no matter who you get involved with, but I wish you luck."
But who knows, Ka; maybe he's had his own revelations during the past month. Maybe he's seen himself more clearly in the same way that you have. Maybe this will actually be a letter of apology and of owning his mistakes.
No matter what is in that letter, hold onto the strength of YOU - the great and powerful and very worthy Ka. Do not let H fog your world by letting him push you and pull you with conflicting messages. You deserve to be loved, cherished and respected. If H can't do that, you know that you can. And I believe with every fiber of my being that there is someone who will be smart enough to do that with and for you.
Many hugs to you, Ka. Its so great to hear you happy!!!!!!!!!! BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Ka - you've had this great month WITHOUT HIM!!!! I'm not exactly sure why you care which way the letter goes. Even if he says "let's work on it". At this point, do you even want him back?
Just a warning. In my case, even when they he said he wanted me back, its wasn't over. The A history is still there. The relationship doesn't suddenly, gloriously shift and now I am in happy, lala, lovey dovey land again.
Unless he doesn't tell you exactly what happened in that hotel, you will always wonder. That he chose to stay in a hotel without telling you about it when you are going through all of this was poor judgement on his part if it was innocent. And, he needs to prove it, somehow. Get the receipt for dinner...was it for one person, phone calls made, credit card bills, the desk clerk as witness that he was alone. SOMETHING!
I'm wondering if I should do the same thing as you did. I just left for a week and had the same peaceful experience up until the day I returned. It was for work though, so I had to go. Not like he was sitting at home wondering if I'd come back. Just before I left I was wondering if I should take a break but had to do this work thing anyway.
My H wrote me a note for our anniversary. I told him that the best thing he could do was tell the truth, some piece of truth about what happened. He didn't. He wrote a love letter...which is nice now that I have the truth. But, was sort of meaningless at the time.
The truth letter only came when absolutely forced into a corner.
I wouldn't wait a week. I would say..."Don't bother writing the letter unless you are planning on writing the detailed truth, backed up with paperwork to support some or all of what you are saying, and include a plan for how you want to recover the relationship. If its anything other than that, please let me know now and we can get our divorce paperwork together." Ok, I probably wouldn't have the balls to say that, but it would be nice to be so clear, strong, and outline the boundaries as such.
I'm kinda all over the place in this response. Your response sort of scares me. I'm all over the place in my head too.
You have a choice in extending it another month if you feel you are not ready to see him.
You might find that you might not want him back,the choice is yours as the bs.
Last night I packed my ws's bag's and didn't expect her home last night but she came home when I was on chat to find her bags packed.
I told her to leave and said I wanted a divorce,it was not a easy choice but I feel a huge burden of weight off my shoulders at the same time.
She totally freaked out calling me names and swearing to sue me and get back at me but I stayed calm and firm as hard as that was to do.
Whatever you chose remember to put yourself first,you deserve nothing less.
Thanks BlueIris for your words of encouragement. I guess expecting the worst now may benefit me in the long run. At least nothing shocks me anymore!! Seeing as though I'm expecting the same old sh** from my H, being disappointed wont come as a surprise. Or, as you said, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised that my H did some real reflecting and soul searching during this time. We shall see.
I am going to try my hardest to remember this feeling of strength that i have today to guide me through this.
My problem, Hope, is that I turn into an emotional wreck around my H. I feel very strong when I don't hear his voice, when I don't see him. When we get together, I feel an overwhelming sense of saddness and I miss him incredibly. My anger that i feel turns into this feeling of devastation and just wanting to feel my H's arms around me again... and THAT is what I'm afraid of. I NEED to stay angry. I NEED to remember to put my self respect first.
I feel the anger now. I hope that anger keeps fueling when I'm face to face with him. I'm still feeling DEEPLY hurt inside and I'm afraid that if I read a letter that contains hurtful words and a list of everything he was mad/sad about BEFORE the A -- cause lets face it, my H can be a pretty insensitive and tactless guy so i've discovered -- I'm afraid that all this strength in me that i found will be overcome with the betrayal once more. If we were working on our M that would be one thing, we would need to talk all of this out. But my H has presented it to me in the past as "oh by the way, i was feeling A, B, and C and never told you - too late now."
So, i guess i feel scared because i don't trust myself to be the person i want and need to be with my H.
Hopefully I will prove myself wrong
Edited to add: DS i just read your message. I'm sorry to hear that a D may be in your future...i know that feeling of relief though, there must be something to it if you are feeling worse, rather than better, by being with your S. I wish you all the best -- and i agree, I may not be ready at the end of this month - maybe i'll extend it to another month. thanks
This message has been edited by Ka18 on Sep 23, 2007 6:38 PM
It is so wonderful that you had the strength to push away from your H and HIS problems for a while. You gave yourself a tremendous gift. Consider the lessons you learned from and during this break.
1. You learned that you CAN survive without your H.
2. You learned that you are a WHOLE person all by yourself.
3. You learned that HIS problems are exactly that: HIS.
4. You learned that you deserved much better than you got.
5. You learned to stand up for yourself at all times.
6. You learned that whatever he decides to do with his life, you don't have to put up with bad behavior.
I know you never wanted this horrible awfulness of his A. Of course not. None of us did. But you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that one way or another, you WILL survive, and you will do it without taking on one single shred of blame for HIS mistakes. I admire your strenght.
Who says you have to meet with him in person? You can send him a letter, if you choose, telling him that if he intends to continue on his path of self-destruction and projecting blame onto you for his problems, that you aren't going to waste your time listening to him. Just have enough respect for you to tell you now that he wants a divorce without giving you more b.s.
Furthermore, you can tell him that if he isn't prepared to come 100% clean with you, then you are not going to take him back. Period. No ands, ifs, or buts. Either he straightens up and plays nice, or he never plays with you again.
Those are my thoughts for what they are worth. I know you are dreading whatever contact you have with him because it'll be painful regardless of whether or not he wants to work on the marriage and finally tells you the truth, or if he has decided he wants a divorce.
But you, my friend, will survive. You ARE strong.
Just my fairy cents' worth and lots of encouraging fairy hugs,
Hope, is that I turn into an emotional wreck around my H. I feel very strong when I don't hear his voice, when I don't see him. When we get together, I feel an overwhelming sense of saddness and I miss him incredibly. My anger that i feel turns into this feeling of devastation and just wanting to feel my H's arms around me again... and THAT is what I'm afraid of. I NEED to stay angry.
I'm super confused myself. I was incredibly angry at my H and wanted to walk and go focus on myself but I told my friend even though I felt that way at the airport, when I got home I would want to crumble in his arms. Angry isn't the way I want to be when I leave him, if I leave him.
I know you want him to want you and to want to work on it. You need that validation. I have it because my H wants to work on it. But, I'm not sure I want to sometimes...a lot of times. But, I have what you want so I'm probably not in the best place to advise.
I think that you will truly know you have the strength when you find a way to frame your worst case scenario which I think is that the letter says "but, but, but" in a way that you feel empowered to go it on your own. You can do that and feel sad, disappointed, and let down. It's ok to cry. And, that response would be much more powerful than anger.
I am glad you made a decision.
I am disappointed in the one you made.
I am sad.
Ba Bye!
Then walk out the door and start dancing with your new found freedom - go through FF list over and over and over. Opportunity awaits whether he says But or let's work on it.
I am sorry you are hurting. You had a nightmare about him because he hurt you so badly, and you have plans to see him again soon, so it is not surprising that your fears about seeing him would play themselves out in your dreams. Just tell yourself that you had bad dreams. In your dreams you had no control. In real life, you do.
