Yesterday I was at the ballgame with one of our boys (age 8) while WS was at another baseball game with our older son (age 10). I had the little two (ages 4 & 7) with me, as well, so I had them using a cell phone that we have that are extra. After they got back, I was setting the speed dial numbers, so that it would be easier for the kids to use.
I saw two speed dial numbers that I didn't know...with just the letter A next to them. Mind you...OW name is M, so I was stunned. The ENTIRE afternoon, I just felt sick. WS was coaching, so his phone was not on him...it was in the baseball bag. I was pretty nauseated by the time I got home. I asked WS about it...not really saying a lot because the kids were there...just nonchalantly mentioning it. WS was falling all over himself trying to convince me that it wasn't him. After our ten year old saw him sweat it out for awhile, he finally started laughing and teasing his dad. Turns out...HE put the numbers of a couple of his friends in the phone...and didn't know how to put in the name. I could tell that WS was very hurt that I didn't believe him....I spent the rest of the night feeling like a heel.
The part that I am having trouble with...I DID believe WS...but wouldn't accept it because I knew that he just had to be lying about it. What would you have done?
What would I have done? Same thing as you, accused my H, and I wouldn't have felt like a heal. You and H need to remember that he has given you GREAT cause to not trust him. He needs to earn your trust back. He and you need to accept that you will have a difficult time believing anything he says and this is normal.
Laura, you need to give yourself a break. You have been betrayed in almost the worst way possible. The pain does not go away overnight and the trust does not emerge overnight. Don't feel guilty because you cannot trust at this time. If H is truly remorseful and allows you full access to EVERYTHING, trust will be regained in time.
Do not feel like a heel. Your trust has been destroyed. Trust once lost is hard to rebuild and the only way to rebuild it is one truth at a time. Think of it this way, you are building a new foundation, one brick at a time. Every time a truth is verified it adds one brick to that foundation. The larger and stronger that foundation becomes the fewer bricks you will need. There will come a day when you do not feel the need to verify every little detail of where he has been, who he has called. As each factoid is verified the panicky, nauseated feeling will lessen. Then some day you are going to run across a phone number or you are not going to know exactly where he is or what he is doing and it won't even occur to you to question. That night as you fall yo sleep you will realize what happened and smile to yourself knowing that you have survived the storm.
I am not sure the trust ever comes all the way back, but that is not a bad thing. My H has told me that even if I never trust him again, that is ok because he destroyed my trust. He is just grateful that he didn't destroy my love.
Not trusting naively, completely, is actually healthy when you think about it. One of the reasons our WS were able to cheat is that we gave them 100% trust, something we obviously should not have done, but we believed in the fairy tales about "true LOVE," so we trusted. Now we know better.
I am days away from three years out from Dday #2, and my trust level for H is very high again because he has worked so very hard to regain my trust and to show me that he was worth the risk.
