Things right now are getting a little surreal. I think WS is in the middle of changing things. His angry outbursts of last week and my response may have been the trigger. Also, I have been giving the freedom to have time on his own to think things out and he has mentioned that the time he spends away from me makes him appreciate the time with me more.
Fri. and Sat. night, he went out with buddies again. When he, eventually, came home from these nights (think 5 a.m. one day and noon the next), he was very upfront about what happenned and then wanted to spend time with me. He always checked with me before going out and I told him I was okay (sort of, but that just means I need to find a life of my own).
Sun. was a little rough because I text him at 5 a.m. asking if he was okay (one thing he agreed to was that he was supposed to tell me if he was crashing at a friends if he was drinking - this is much betetr than drinking and driving!). 7:30 I get a text that he should have called and he was on his way. At 9 a.m. there was no sign of him and I was angry because I thought he would be exhausted and not want to spend the day with me, so I packe dup my bike and went for a ride and coffee. Got home at 11 a.m. and still no sign. I called and text but no response. I was honestly worried something had happenned to him. If he had been with someone else, it would have been a relief. I actually took my wedding ring and put it on my right hand as a talisman and just watched tv. At 12:30, I called his buddy, who said WS was at the mall and he would go find him (relief - he was okay!). 1:00 I got a call that he would be home in 15 minutes. I told him I wasn't angry, just worried.
Once home, he explained that he didn't want to come home exhausted and sleep all day, like he did last weekend, so instead he went out, got moving and some fresh air so he would be awake. It worked because he did take me out for a late lunch and we spent the afternoon together (he even noticed the ring - I told him it was proof of how worried I was.) He didn't like me worrying and tracking him down, but I pointed out that he told me he was on his way home and I had every reason to worry. He still doesn't like the idea of "checking in" but I will see if he does it.
Over the weekend, we talked about trust (the OW wasn't a ONS and I don't think he would do that but I could be wrong and that would just mean I would leave, no ands, ifs or buts). He also talked about how he needs his own life (which scares me to death) and howmuch he appreciates spending time with me as a result. He says he wants to do more with me on weeknights and I pointed out that I'm often too tired to think of what to do, so he has agreed to offer suggestions if I promise to say if I don't like it (he did just this when he came home on Sun.) He has become more affectionate, jsut willing to hug me hello and goodbye. He has even told me to wake him before I leave in the morning so he can walk me to the door and kiss me goodbye.
He also said that, when he comes back from course on weekends, he would spend his time with me and not his buddies. I countered with "if" in the conversation (as in, if I stick around, I need to do more on my own)and he just said he hated to see me down. I just ignored it rather than get into a long discussion/arguement about our future. It is good that he sees me here, which will mean NC with OW, but I can't risk breaking my heart anymore with false hope. I'm normally a pessisimist, and I understand that it is safer to be pleasantly surprised than horribly hurt.
Right now I am just finding it weird. If this makes sense, the feeling in our house is warmer than it has been in over a year. I am acutally feeling loved and wanted and, frankly, it is freaking me out. I need to work on that and risk my heart a little.
Some of his actions are making me be more aware, though, that I could be being conned. Last night, he went for a drive at 10 p.m. (home at 3:00 - dog woke me). He said he needed to think, and he always did that while driving. It is behaviour from before we married, and I know no women were invlovled at that time. He just IM'd me, too, that he is going to a buddy on base. His buddy has a kid and his wife is out tonight, so it is easily verifable. He has straight out told me he wasn't avoiding me or angry, just wanting to get out of the house (he is home studdying all month and feeling the walls closing in, hee, hee). But, then again, he conned me the first time by telling me he was going to visit a friend.
