We had our first appointment yesterday afternoon. I really like the therapist...and think we will both be happy with him. I really got the feeling, though, that it did more harm than good. I think I expected too much...and it was basically an "information gathering" session. I don't understand WHY he can't promise me that this won't happen again. He was in tears...telling me that he wants to...but that he knows it would be a lie right now. He said that he needs to learn other coping mechanisms for when he and I aren't totally in sync. He seems very sincere in this...but I can't get past the fact that he won't make that promise.

I love my husband...and I want to make this work. So...why am I second (and third and fourth!) guessing myself at every turn?? It seems that in losing my trust in him...I have somehow managed to lose trust in myself.

I feel very hypocritical wearing my wedding ring...I feel like the promises that he made to me are not valid, and it seems to weigh me down. We have four little boys, though, and I KNOW they would notice if I took it off. I don't want to lie to them, so I leave it on and it's a constant reminder of the pain that I am going through.

Ugh.

~Laura

Look at the good side. He is being honest enough with himself and you to honestly admit that he cannot make a promise to you that he does not know if he can keep. Although I know EXACTLY how much that hurts right now, this is about him admitting a weakness (not easy for a man, or any person for that matter) and willingness to face and resolve his issues. Think about if he were to make that promise just because it is something you need and then break that promise. How devastating would that be to you? Are you feeling that unless he makes the promise to you that you are condoning or allowing him to continue his activities? I know that is how I felt. It is a quandry indeed, one that I still struggle with. H made that promise to me then broke it. At this point what is the lesser of two pains? I ended up saying that I appreciated his honesty and it showed that he still had some iota of a moral fiber and respect for me in that he would not make a promise he was not 100% sure he could keep, but clearly stated that every time he saw her, talked to her, txt'd her, e-mailed her, shagged her, kissed her, or thought of her was an act of betrayal and violation of the vows he made to me before God and our peers. That by not being able to make that promise to me I felt as if he were silently making a promise of betrayals and pain yet to come. That I would accept that he could not make the promise but there would be consequences for any betrayal and pain inflicted whether there was a promise or not. I hasn't done me much good as he is still in the fog. Don't know if this helps, this is just what runs through my head.

(((Hugs and More Hugs)))

but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't want him to promise me something that he can't keep...but I don't understand how it is soooo difficult for him to be able to keep that promise. He has cut all contact with OW...and has absolutely no desire to see her. For him...he said that he decided it was over before he told me, so he had already dealt with it.

I want him to be able to make this promise and keep it..and to not question himself about the validity of it.

~Laura

(((Laura)))

You felt the session did more harm than good. It doesnt sound that way to me. It sounds more like you were hurt, not that the session wasnt any good. MC is not easy. It is painful and a lot of work. Your H told you the truth! That is big!!! Of course it hurt, you're human, but it is a step forward. You have to go through the pain and deal with the issues, not lie or hide from them, otherwise there is no point. That's is how most of us ended up here, because either both or one in the marriage could not face their personal issues and/or marital issues. Avoidance just doesnt work. If nothing changes then nothing changes.

<<I don't want him to promise me something that he can't keep...but I don't understand how it is soooo difficult for him to be able to keep that promise.>>

Laura, you must listen to what your H said with open ears, not through pain filtered ears. This was not a personal attack on you or even the marriage. He clearly stated as to why he could not make and keep such a promise. Did you really hear what he had to say? Part of MC is learning to communicate better. That doesnt just mean how you talk to your spouse, but also, if not more importantly, learning to truly listen. He said he needed to learn new coping skills. For someone to admit that is big! You need to first admit you have a problem before it can be fixed. Once he learns new coping skills, I would venture to guess that he will be able to make that promise and keep it. He is being honest with you right now, and you need to listen to what he really said. The A is his...his coping skills he learned long before he met you and it is not about you. Let him work on his issues and he will bring those new coping skills into the marriage and perhaps the marriage will benefit as a result. How can it not, right? And that is what MC is all about!

I know it hurts and I am sorry you are in pain.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Laura,

Let me second the wonderful, thoughtful post Cal made. I totally agree with her. She is living with an unremorseful H who refused to go to more than a couple of MC sessions and has lied to his IC. On the other side is my H who has been to IC, MC, and is now doing a bit more IC.

Your H is opening up to you. He probably feels very vulnerable right now and isn't at all sure how you will handle what he has told you. Admitting his faults was probably very frightening for him, but the fact that he did indicates that he now recognized what his problems are and wants to work on them.

To me this sounds like a very fruitful MC session. I know you want both you and your marriage to be cured instantly, but unfortunately, your marriage didn't get broken in a day, and it won't get fixed in a day.

It's OK to share with your H that you were disappointed more didn't happen, but IMFO, you should also tell your H that you are proud of him for being honest, for telling you and the MC what he believes his problems are, and for going to MC. Trust me, he made a huge first step even if it doesn't seem like it to you.

Hang in there. You will see more progress as the sessions occur. I hope you are going to IC, too, as IC is where you can focus on your pain and grief.

Gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Laura,

I also want to say that Cal is right on the money...Your H is being honest with you...he wants to rebuild the relationship with you or he wouldn't be at the MC session with you...

(((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Can I get the name and number of your MC? (ha, ha)

Sounds like progress. People here keep telling me if my H hits these milestones, NC, telling the truth, understanding causes, etc etc to give it time, be encouraging and stick with it. Hard to do on my roughest days, but on the good days glad I did.

So I'll say what advice was given to me...give it some time.

I think the thing that we need to remember...at least for the next few weeks...is to dedicate our time at the MC to our troubles. Most of what we talked about was AFTER the appointment...at home and on our own. I think that is why I felt so out of sorts. I know (at least I think I do) that things would not have been left unresolved at the MC. WH and I talked for a long time last night...about the promise. I want to thank you all...thank you for helping me to see that he is doing what is best for us. I know that I have the power to forgive...I just don't think I can do it until he is able to make some progress.

I know that our communication is so much better than it was before...there is really no comparison. I feel comforted after our talk last night...knowing that he wasn't telling her things that he didn't feel he could tell me. That was my biggest thing, for some reason. I was very hurt that he felt like he could talk to her, but not me.

I feel very lucky after reading some of your stories that WH came to me and told me...and that he had broken it off with her. I did have the opportunity to meet her...for about five minutes the last time he saw her. It was a very cleansing five minutes for me...I pretty much said all I felt I needed to say.

~Laura

Sounds like you are definitely moving in the right direction and in our situations, that is HUGE.
Would love to share our MC experience, which was good but rushing off to a meeting. She did make one suggestion which turned out to be great for us:
After the session, go out somewhere to talk. Our sessions were in the morning so we went to Starbucks for coffee. No matter how tough the session, no matter how much we hated eachother at that moment, no matter how hard I was crying, we went and we talked about what happened and what we learned that morning. It made a huge difference - we were working together towards the same goal and working through tough problems not running away from them.
Susan