Hello everyone,

I hope we are all at our best, or getting there.

I have been so busy, that I have not been able to be here for awhile. Having to get my kiddies in school (yes, even my youngest), volunteering at the school, organizing tutoring and after school events..........hockey,,,.

You may be happy to know that I have started excercising 3 days a week and am back to meditation once a week. I am still workign with my Psychotherapist, still taking my antidepressants and now joined a womans support group for woman with various troubles.

I have to tell you however, I soooooooooo miss being in love with a man and having him love me back. It has been so long. How I long to love and be loved. DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THIS WAY? HOW DO YOU FEEL EXACTLY?

Thinking of you all.

LonelyMomWife

Hello LMW,

You know what I miss? I miss being loved the way Wh used to love me. I know that what we have right now is not love, only a poor immitation. I miss the real love we once shared. But I have accepted that what we had no longer exists and it makes me sad. I feel a profound loss. But the good thing is that I have known what real love feels like...what it is like to love someone with all of your heart and soul. I guess I am of the thought "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". And I know that inspite of all that I have been through I am not afraid to love again

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

I was unhappy for so long in my marriage that I had forgotten what real love was and felt like. After my divorce last year I met someone and felt that feeling once again. Even though it only lasted 3 months, I know that it is possible to find and feel love once again. Unfortunately the woman I loved had major issues from her past relationship she did not deal with and her guilt ended our wonderful relationship. Don’t give up because love is out there waiting for you. Just make sure you have healed and you will know when you are ready.

As I sit here today I am wondering if I really trust the word "love".  Nowadays I wonder if trust, respect, admiration, understanding etc are all better and more real gauges of a relationship.  Love is a bit difficult to define and certainly the idea of "falling in love" seems like a kind of madness to me now - But I am also suspicious of even "being in love" too as it seems to carry something with if of self delusion.  So, I am not being defensive I believe but more realistic in my list of expectations of what I am looking for in a relationship.  Also, my notion of love is now much more expansive and includes so much more than just a few people.  Love to me now means being open to recieve and give ie much less in the way of boundaries, expectations etc..  Love to me is much more about accepting and forgiving and understanding.

Not sure if this makes sense to anyone.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

Cal, I guess I am at the other end of the spectrum from you. Or maybe I am just having a bad week. I truly wish I had never known what it was like to be loved by WS. Atleast then I wouldn't wake up every moment knowing what it is I am missing. Ignorance was bliss and I will never get that back.

On top of that, I don't know if I would be able to ever trust anyone else who says they love me (I don't even trust my family when they say it now. After all, love can obviously change). Even though WS meant it at the time, that doesn't mean it is true. And I don't think I could survive that type of disappointment again.

Chinook

Dear Chinook,

It took me a long time to get to this point....years! I have always been a positive person and when I gained some of my self esteem back, my desire to love and be loved came back with it. I am in no way ready for a new love or anything along those lines. I suspect I wont be for a very, very longe time. But I just know that some day it will be possible It is had to be optimistic and trust after you have been betrayed so badly. The bitterness will go away one day if you let it go...again, this takes lots of time. In the end, HIS A, is not going to get the best of me! I just wont allow that to happen!!!

Ok...now is the time we break out in song, lol...how about "I will survive" by Gloria Gainer...seems fitting enough.

At first I was afraid.
I was petrified.
I kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side.
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong.
I grew strong.
I learned how to get along.
And so you're back from outer space.
I just walked in to find you here
Without that look upon your face.
I should have changed my ****ing lock.
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me.

Oh now go.
Walk out the door.
Just turn around now.
You're not welcome anymore.
Weren't you the one
Who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh not I.

I will survive.
As long as I know how to love
I know I'll be alive.
I've got all my life to live.
I've got all my love to give.
I will survive.
I will survive.

It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart.
I'm trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart.
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself.
I used to cry.
But now I hold my head up high.

And you'll see me with somebody new.
I'm not that stupid little person
Still in love with you.
And so you thought you'd just drop by,
And you expect me to be free.
But now I'm saving all my lovin'
For someone who's lovin' me.

Oh now go.
Walk out the door.
Just turn around now.
You're not welcome anymore.
Weren't you the one
Who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh not I.

I will survive.
As long as I know how to love
I know I'll be alive.
I've got all my life to live.
I've got all my love to give.
I will survive.
I will survive.




~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Wow, Cal! How many times have I heard that song and NOT really listened to the words? What a perfect theme song of survival and life after betrayal. Right on!! BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Sorry Lonely Mom Wife - I didn't mean to thread hog.

But I understand how you feel. This part of recovery truly sucks.

HI Lonely Mom,
I do know how you feel. I was thinking about it just the other day. Even though H is here and would like to "love" me (or whatever)I can not find it in myself to love him right now. But I truly miss giving love and feeling love. We do not have a physical or emotional relationship at this point. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to put their arms around me and show me affection in a true and honest way. Doing it because they really care about me and not just because they want a piece or trying to make me think they're wonderful. Sometimes my heart aches missing the love I thought I had back then. I really wonder at times if I will ever find someone who is real and honest. I guess that is the pessimist in me.

K

Thank you for your replies.

So many of you hit the nail on the head. Such mixed emotions for me.

Will I trust again? Will I give myself again from the heart? I so miss the loving affection, "the connection of hearts and souls", OR SO I THOUGHT.

I too share no physical or emotional connection with my husband. I look at him and see someone totally different than the person I married. CRUEL AND COLD.

How does this happen?

Have a smiling day.

Hi LonelyMom,
I'm not sure how it happens. In my situation I think that I really didn't know my H as well as I thought I did when we got married. The side he showed me was sweet, thoughtful, and affectionate as well as funny. Three years later I found out I was actually married to a selfish, lying "teenage boy". I know there were red flags before that, but I just chose to overlook them. Like the fact that he refused to end contact with his ex-wife, even though they had no children together,and even though I told him it bothered me. Over the past 4 years my feelings for him have died an awful death.
How are things going with you and your H? I havn't been on here in quite a while--I need to go back and catch up on everything! Are you still living together? I hope you have found a C who is helpful. I remember you were looking for one. How are your boys? ((LonelyMom)) My thoughts are with you!

K

Thank you for your reply K.

You still live with your husband? I think you had four children? Some challenged?????? Forgive me if I am wrong.

Why was your husband still involved with his X wife? Why did they divorce?

How are you feeling with your life at this moment?
Yes, my husband like yours are much the same. Liars, childlike, selfish, immature in their thinking. Everything seems "me me me".

p.s. Yes, we live together. He takes care of all the finances and assists with the kids now that I am forcing myself out more (AND ENJOYING ''MY TIME AND GETTING TO KNOW ME AGAIN"). I am thankful for this, but it is hard at times.........i.e holidays, birthdays, anniversaries,,,. Perhaps a tradeoff. I am where I need to be right now.

Thinking of you. Fill me in.

LonelyMomWife

Hi LonelyMom,

I am still living with my H at the moment. We have twins who are 4 and one has cerebral palsy (mild). We have gone to 3 MC sessions over the past 3 weeks. I'm hoping that H actually sees his problem with lying and isn't just saying it for my benefit and the MC's. He has admitted that he lies alot and that he has done it for a long time as a way to "smooth things over" and so he could "do what he wanted to do." I'm hoping that he is truly wanting to change this but I guess I'm just not convinced yet. He actually had an emotional moment at our last session and that kind of surprised me. I think he has alot of issues to work on and maybe this will help. Maybe IC would help more. I'm having a hard time letting go of my anger and giving him a chance. I'm just not sure yet that he deserves one.
I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself. You deserve to have all the happiness in the world! You will eventually know what is right for you to do, I think. I wish the best for you!
As for the ex-wife, I don't entirely know why he wants to be in touch with her. They are from the same small town in another state but both live here. Maybe she is a connection to home or maybe he just got an ego boost from her wanting to still be in touch with him. I really don't know. The MC told him it was certainly not a good idea if it bothers me.
Take care!

K