I remain confused. Last week W told me that she was looking into some full-time positions at work. I asked if she was looking so she could support herself and move out. She said this was only part of the consideration, but part of it none-the-less. This began a big talk for us and I said I would probably leave. She then told me that 4 months after Dday and NC (except for a few calls to her work during Sept, and she requested again NC), that she still has very strong feelings for OM that are not easing, she feels pain for missing him.
As we went through the weekend together, not talking about us, just being normal, things were fine. This week I wrote a letter to W offering support and help in resolving her feelings. This caused her to go to a state of mind of missing him again. So now, if I bring up us, her mind goes to him. She has not gotten over him and she thinks she cannot. Therefore, she cannot commit to our marriage 100%.
She is here, so that is some commitment. She is not having contact, that is some, and she answers all of my questions.
If she is still grieving the loss, or coveting him, do I remain patient and not talk about us? I have told her that as long as she is here and not communicating with him I would try to be patient, to let her get to the point where she lets go of him. If talking about us drives her to miss him, then our time together is better spent making new memories together. That is working on us. Then after her grief passes, we would then talk about us, how it happened, and work on us.
But the rub is, last week we did not talk about us before she began looking at full-time job positions. So, I don't know what track to take. Besides, not talking about us is not fair to me as I have to hold in my feelings. She knows when I am upset or have a bad day, and why. This causes her to feel bad as well (then probably causes thoughts to wander back to OM). Does this drive her away? I don't think she is being manipulative, because when we do talk, she is remorseful of what has happened, but also remorseful of the feelings she continues to have. She would like to be rid of them and be able to focus on us. I believe that. Am I naive? There doesn't seem to be any ground that we can talk about us and not drive her to think about how she misses him. She has about abandoned her friends and support, probably due to shame. She didn't match with her IC, so she is alone. I have directed her to the open board, but I know she has not had time to go there.
I recommend you read some books on affairs. Two excellent ones are “After the Affair” and “The Monogamy Myth.” Two other good ones are “Surviving Infidelity,” and “Private Lies,” one of these last two, I can not remember which, had a more male point of view and may be more helpful to you.
Your W is being selfish. I know she is in pain, but she can only see hers and not yours. When you do show her your pain she backs away, because she does not want to deal with it. I do have compassion for where she is at, at the same time It always raises my ire to see a BS being treated so insensitively. I am sorry you are going through this.
My advise to you, is to not be so black and white with your decision on staying in the relationship. Start on a path that is headed toward a life with out her, but take it slow. She may find that pining away for the OM is not so imperative, when she no longer has your sympathy and attentiveness.
Remember this is a process stay or go we all have to take our time and go through it.
Also, You can not save the marriage alone. It takes two people.
