Just here to vent -- had an emotional, touching Saturday with my H where he owned up to his behavior, seemed to be really concerned with my feelings, all affectionate, kissed me goodbye...

We left it - lets talk on Wednesday, make plans to meet up again for the next weekend. HE was the one that said lets talk.

Wednesday comes. Nothing. No phone call. Yes - I could have initiated it but i didn't WANT to. H has some stepping up to do.

Thursday I email him and say that i was confused. Thought we were talking the previous night. Oh, he fell asleep. Sorry. Said he would call tonight

I was out tonight -- got a message on the home phone and 2 messages on the cell. So, I call him back and he's COLD and DISTANT.

I asked him about the attitude and being cold -all he had to say was "oh i'm sorry, i don't mean to be..." silence... thats it.

What the f***? I'm so tired of this. Stupid games, mixed messages. Saturday was full of tears of heartache, all this acknowledgement of how much he hurt me - and we talk tonight and he's an a-***? I DONT UNDERSTAND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'

I am so annoyed right now. Its like rolling dice with him - i never know which H I'm going to get everytime we talk or see each other. Driving....me....crazy.

Oh, Ka. I'm really sorry to hear how frustrated you are. I understand it. You have every reason to feel this way - - truly.

However.....

Both of you are in a fairly emotionally wrung out place right now. In many ways, you both have to start from square one with each other if your goal is reconciliation. If you are waiting for him to make the next move...the first call or request to go to an MC...the next whatever it is, I want to gently say to you that it sounds like you may be playing this like a strategic game of marriage chess instead of marriage reconciliation.

Again, he's put you in a position for a long while of not knowing where he stands and what he wants. Its hard to know how to proceed when he is still undecided. How frustrating. Are you willing to ask him to give you an answer? If he says he wants to try to heal the marriage, can you stop the idea of "its his turn to do something- I already did that"?

As unfair as it is, BS are very often the ones who need to lead the emotionally challenged/retarded WS by the hand towards books, counseling, talking and any other tools we can think of to facilitate healing. Its often not met with enthusiasm. They are having to face their demons AND their victim. Don't get me wrong; it was their bad choices that led to these consequences. I'm not completely sympathetic to their cause. However, in the same way that life isn't fair, healing after an A isn't really either.

I hope I'm not saying anything offensive or upsetting. This is a great place to vent and an appropriate one. He's an a$$ for ever doing this to you...not to mention all the game playing he has put you through. But once the steam is not coming out of your ears over this current situation, my experience is that the BS often needs to act as leader/guide/CEO until the WS is able-minded enough to join us in the adult relationship of marriage.

I hope I didn't make you mad, Ka. My thoughts are sent to you with concern. BlueIris



"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Of course I'm not mad -- I need to hear the other side of things. I understand what you saying here. I feel like i've been played for a fool all summer long. I felt like i really put my heart out there - went to session after session of MC - tried to reach out to my H, called and called, arranged to meet -and i was constantly defeated, disappointed and HEARTBROKEN.

I guess I'm scared to make any "first moves."

My probelm with my H is following through. Yes, the words he says sounds nice...where are the actions that follow? If he is finally saying to me that he wants to communicate on a new level, seeing each other through new eyes -- i thought that maybe, just maybe, he would initiate the conversation that he suggested we have this week. I felt upset because I felt a twinge of that "old" disappointment come back (which i'd nicely avoided for a good month and 3 weeks...)

Sigh -- but I hear your words, BlueIris, I do. I think for me it will have to be taking that guard down just enough to let myself reach out to my H as well. After this summer, my guard is a giant TOWER.

I do view things still as "games" and I guess I do need to get my mind out of that way of thinking.

Thanks for your thoughts - it now gives me a new way to look at the situation. Ka

Edited to add: Also, the problem in our M was H saying that he felt like he had no control. Maybe I fear me taking control of things will push him farther away, if that makes sense...