I have a some mixed news.. seems that my H has come around.

well last week he grabed my hand look at me and told me he was sorry for the sh*t he has done to me.he told me he was lucky to have me .and there would never be another women who would take care of him and the boys they way i do.

he said that all the other women he had been flirting with he was trying to get attention from them. he wanted other to feel sorry for him. he was using sex as and excuse for all the bad mistake he was making in his life.

he told me he is tired of laying in the bed he has made. and he wants to change it. he told me there are no other women he is not hidding anything from me anymore. and know that time is what i need to heal and to be honest I believe him but there is still that doubt that something will happen again.

I have told him that I am who I am I can't change the way i am. I can try to be a better wife and mother. and I have been working on it. but i can't be something I"m not. he open up about some thing going on that in the past he would have keep to himself. that is a start.

SO that is what happen last week. the other night i went into his myspace account and found and email to one of the gal on there he works with and he wrote. good seeing you today and thanks for the BIG hug....
KNow i was like ummm why would he have to email her that and who cares... so he came home and I did my i'm upset but not going to tell you.. ( my weakness need to change that) so i told him I didn't think he needed to do that and this is where the problems start with us... he told me i need to come right out and tell him hey this is not cool stop it..

to be honest i was afraid he would get upset with me..

so today we where talking about one of his buddy at work who lets a women there grab his private at work he also is married then my H got that look... and i said well what..
the last women he was flirting with in jan of this yr.. they where playing touchy touchy. Can I just say that I"m trying really hard not to let this bother me. but it really hurts and told me i dont need to hear all the details there is no use for me to hear them all.and today he only told me this because he got that look when he was talking about his buddy.and said he had told me i said umm no i would remember that... he said he meant nothing. he just wanted to see if other women wanted him.. see all of this went down after we where gettin MC and I thought things where working out.. and I just keep asking why why. and he has no answer. so right know i want to trust and believe him but I'm just so afraid. I told him today i feel like he is just telling me he wants to work it out because he doesn't want to leave.

OK let me explain this he has made comment that things aren't going to get any better so he might as well just go with the flow of how they are know.. but he is trying to make things a little better.. I dont know what is going on and if he really gets it.. when where we talking about his past history then he threwn in he made a big choice when he left his first wife.(no we didn't have an an affair incase you read into that lol. he was gettin divorced and we already new each other from childhood and had meet up.) he said today he could have just stayed with her because I turned into a B*tch after i got preg. and he can't forgive me right know. and he needs to see more from me. that i want him in a loving way a sexually way.accepting way.

I understand he needs all of this. I just dont know how to get out of the scared mood and move on and I dont want to question his change of heart but when he tells me one min there are no other women and then that email. i mean what am i suppose to think or feel. how can i not judge him /oh wait he tells me that is nothing just him being himself mean nothing.. then later he tells me ok so its not ok with you i understand that i will just be more careful he said he wonder if i would check it but didn't think i would so no big deal...

i just dont know what do feel or do righ know i want to take his word and find out love again. just am I willing to take the risk.that is what i keep asking myself.

so that is what is going on here. hope all is well with everybody and thanks for always being here for me.

april

little update he just called me pissed that he brought what happen with the girl at work. and is pissed that i wont hurry up and trust him. he said he has nothing to hide and him telling me things from the past is stupid cause it makes me not trust him more. because i think there is more things hidding. he told me he really think with the email on friday that is mean nothing and is a no big deal and i over react to things and he might as well stop using myspace and have no friends or stop lettin me find things out.
I dont know i just told him i was going to forget today and move forward not worth going backward anymore. I guess i'm just a proud and dont see that what he is doing mean nothing I guess i'm just suppose to look the other way and have no feeling on any of thing. but how do i heal if i dont feel like i'm suppose to have hurt feeling over all of this.. i just dont know anymore....

(((((APRIL)))))

I just want to make sure I have this straight....

He constantly flirts with other women and hugs them.
He flirts with them over e-mails.
He has had a "touchy feely" relationship with a specific woman.
He puts himself out there as if available, just to see if other women want him.
He expects you to just accept his behavior.

If this is the case, I would say you are not in the wrong. You are not going to be able to just get over this and accept it. And you are right to think that there is probably more. He does not get it. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly.

A mature married man should not need other women, that he flirts with and feels up, as friends. Married people who want to have friends of the opposite sex need to be very careful about the "slippery slope".

Why did he and his first wife divorce? Are the reasons similar to what is going on in your relationship? Habits and personalities don't change unless they are worked on. He if didn't face his issues from his first marriage then he has probably carried them over to your marriage.

Does he have any male friends that are "grown-ups" or do all of his friends behave in this manner? Being around others that behave in such away is only giving him the reinforcement that this type of behavior is OK.

Are you in counseling? I think it would be useful to you to help sort out your feelings and to help you establish boundaries and discover ways you can express your feelings and boundaires to your H.

I am so sorry that you re hurting and going through this.

Lisa

((((((((lisa))))))))) thank for your reply back.. you pretty much summed it up... the list you made is right on target....

MY H flirting with he first marriage but not as bad as with ours. He married her pretty much out of (he needed somebody to take care of him) she was buying him things before they got married he was 18 so he said he felt obligated to marry her.. but as time went on and her family could not accept him pretty much keep telling her she could do better they divorced. there are children that he has no contact with.

i think he blames me cause it is easier to shift the blame so he doesn't have to deal with it ya know.

OH he has male friend and yes they have all cheated on there wifes.

we are not in C anymore. we are inbetween him and new job so we dont have insur at this time. but when he start his new job and we get better beni then i will return.

I"m trying really hard to move forward and I dont know maybe i should stop pushing for the detail it seem I only get what he thinks is best. I just dont think a person can heal right if there is that feeling that there is hidding secrets ya know..

All I really want is for him to get it. and I think right know he is only gettin what he wants ya know. give a little expect a lot..

thanks again sorry for always bring up the same thing I just dont understand how am suppose to forgive when he slip up and tells me something it step me back a little then he get upset..

Dearest April,

My friend. My heart aches for this cycle that you and your H seem stuck in. He has moments of telling you the right things and then in the next moments, hours, days, he just continues on with his standard BAD behavior and excuses and deflection to push the blame on you.

None of his flirting is OK!! It isn't harmless, because it in fact hurts you!!!! And that should matter to him. There is no forgiving someone when your feelings don't matter to him.

I absolutely love what Dubld wrote over on the open board. I don't know if there'd ever be a way to share it with your H...especially in a way that he could take it as a personal challenge. But I think its an important concept:

"A real man will keep one woman satisfied for a lifetime".
-Josh McDowell

((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) BlueIris



"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

thank you blue... I think thats why i'm feeling hurt because for one moment i thought omg he gets it.. and then bam hits me with another blow.. I keep trying my hardest to put the past behind me and move on. but sometimes when he tells me things its just so hard not to show the pain ya know.. I will never heal when i feel like i have to hide my pain . what a sad moment this is to feel this way.

That's the thing, though, April; you can't put it in the past when he's continuing the behavior in the present. Until he can show you that he is done with that behavior forever, your pain is going to continue. I'm so sorry, sweetie; you deserve to live in love...not in pain. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

April:

It sounds like your husband has it upside down. From what I've read and understood, he wants you to change so that he will stop fooling around with other women in inappropriate ways.

Suppose the entire situation were reversed. Suppose you worked at a place where women routinely flirted with men, made passes at them, and touched them in private places. Suppose the women encourage the men to touch them in a similar way. Suppose your good friends at work encouraged you to join into these things. Suppose you had a "good reason" because your husband is lacking in some way... it could be that he doesn't make enough money, or isn't smart enough, or good looking enough. It could be that he's not muscular enough, or that he's not nice enough, or that he's not a good enough sexual partner.

If your husband found emails discussing these hypothetical actions, would he not be hurt? Would ne then expect you to say "I love you so much, and if you become a better husband, then I'll stop."

No. I really doubt it. I think he'd go through the roof. I think he'd tell you that he wasn't going to accept another instance of your behavior. He would not tolerate it.

Talk to him. Ask him if this is what he's really telliing you. Get on the same page. If it hurts, tell him so. He should know better, but it looks like he can't tell, or he's ignoring his good sense when he says things that hurt you. Tell him... educate him or wake him up, whichever applies.

>we where talking about one of his buddy at work who lets a women there grab his private at work

What kind of work place allows this behavior? It sounds as if this is common there. You husband's company is very, very vulnerable to a sexual harassment lawsuit.


TomJ

I know blue. but last night at 2 am when we where still fighting over the phone of what happen during the day.. he just keep saying he just wishes i would trust him and just get over thing right away.

see he told me he understand that his flirting bother me. then he says he doesn't think what he is does is wrong.. so ummm i dont know..I feel like i'm fighting for my life to make him love me and sometimes it just makes me angry because i dont feel like i should have to fight..is that selfish?



aww tom thank you so much.. and would you believe this he works in a hospital.. yes your saw this right... just think your waiting for care while grown up play grab as*

he told me if i where do any of the thing he was doing he would tell me to get out. that was yesterday he told me this... SO pretty much is he looking for me to make a stand to make him change?

yes he wants me to change...IF i showed him the attention he is needing then he would not go looking for it... BUT he also in another breath told me no matter what i do he would still act they way he does...

honest i just am feeling confused . because when we do talk he says one thing then another. and I"m like wait i can't keep up here.. see he got upset with me because i told him i didn't like the email and he told me last night he understand that but doesn't see anything wrong with what he wrote to her... but listen to this... when i talk to him about it friday night... he made this quote yeah she hugged me and boy she smelled nice and i could feel her breast agains't me... why in the world would he make a blank statement to me like that?? anybody? he said he was kidding and that wasn't it.. but why say it...

((((((((((((((((((((((((((April)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

He wants you to change your feelings about his behavior.

He isn't willing to change his feelings about his behavior.

Who's really the selfish one in that scenario?

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

>because when we do talk he says one thing then another. and I"m like wait i can't keep up here..

My wife did this to me also. It drove me nuts. It only stopped when the truth came out and she began her quest for honesty. My wife kept going between two stories of the affair; one where the OM "manipulated her" into have sex with him, and the other where she liked him and had sex because she got carried away. Once honesty came to bear, the "manipulation" and "carried away" defenses merged into one more responsible, mature and honest admission... while she didn't plan on a long term relationship with the OM, she enjoyed the feelings of infatuation she had with him.

Although the honesty hurt, it didn't drive me crazy anymore. I think I somewhat contributed to her dishonesty, only in the sense that my reactions were strong enough that she didn't have the courage to be honest with me. However, I don't think it's fair for a WS to expect a BS to not be hurt by such admissions.

TomJ

thank you all for today . in a way some is like a slap in the face and not in a bad way.. just a hello ..


I can't keep asking myself .is what my H doing really that bad, I mean would other spouses be bother by this.. why is it that i question myself on the thing he does. I hate trying to seek answer only he can answer and he wont. he just uses the same line I dont remember and it mean nothing so stop worrying about it.. it was in the past.

I feel stupid for falling for his game. i see it. I"M aware of it but here i sit still complaining about it but not standing my ground. Maybe i dont want to stand me ground in fear of losing him. could that be it? is that a normal weakness?

he will be home soon we will see what bring of tonight if he say anything or wants to talk to me.. or turns the tv on.. i dont want to push it.. he just isn't in the frame of mind to get it ya know..

anyhow thank you i mean it.. from the bottom of my heart thank you

april