For those of you who know my story, you will appreciate this. My W is finally getting out of her job!!!! She starts her new job in December. She will probably take a couple of weeks off before she starts her new job, meaning that the time at that hellhole is limited and the count down has begun. At the time when she will be officially done, it would have been 10 months since D-Day and working with OM. She works with him in close proximity and there has been “business contact” almost everyday. This has been extremely hard for me to deal with to say the least and now to have an end in sight means the world to me. I know Ami once told me that her leaving there and not working with the OM would not necessarily mean that everything is going to be fine and magically fixed. I (we) will still have to deal with the aftermath and the damage to our marriage cause by the A, but I think it will be an enormous step forward towards us completely healing.
So many posts and articles say that reconciliation/healing is not possible unless ALL contact is completely broken and that is so true. Her working with him I think totally caused us to be stagnant in our healing, has kept him in our lives and has caused many days of pain, frustration and worry. But no more. I told her once that I want him out of her lives to the point where he is a distant memory. Where over time his image will fade and she would hardly remember what he looked liked.
She has been great and per my request has even agreed to change her cell phone number once she is done there, so he could never contact her afterwards even if he wanted too.
This has been what I (we) have been praying for for 9 months now and I feel bad even complaining about anything but the news of her leaving that job does not come without price. The job is not where we live and due to circumstances (for example my job) I will not be able to move with her immediately, which means we will be apart for a couple of months. I am not going to lie, I am scared to death. Everything we have been through and all her actions over the past 9 months points to a remorseful spouse, one that has recommitted to her marriage and who wont do this again, but I worry. My fears take over and I think it’s normal to worry when you are in the mitts of healing from and A and then have to be separated from your spouse for months. I guess if I want to be with her, which I do, all I will be able to do is take the biggest leap of faith and trust her even though there is still doubt in my heart. At least the doubt is not from her actions since D-Day but rather stem from the past.
Oh, Hart! Congratulations!!! I have to admit, I was really scared with the title of your post; couldn't tell if it was bad news you were going to share or good. Phew! I'm so glad your mutual hopes and wishes for the job change are coming real.
I completely understand your fear at being apart for several months. Any separation...whether its months, weeks, days, or just an overnight (dare I say even the hours that they are supposed to be at and hopefully are at their job?)...can be fraught with doubt, worry, suspicion, FEAR. Its all a reminder that the healing isn't done yet. Be patient with yourself. There is no rushing through the uneasiness while the shadows of mistrust still linger. But you're so right; your current fear is based on the past. Your W has done an excellent job of finding her way back to you.
Definitely work together on finding concrete ways of staying in touch, being accountable and transparent while she's away. How far away exactly will she be? A plane ride away? A drive of several hours? Will she be home on weekends? Whatever the logistics are, find a way to strategize whatever can possibly give you reassurance.
I'm really excited for the threshold you two are on, Hart. Again, big congratulatory hugs and high fives and blessings for continued healing. Hurray for Hart and Mrs. Hart. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Blue, thank you for all the well wishes and kind words. Just like people here understand the pain that everyone else goes through and supports them, it's nice to know that poeple can share in the joy of good news too. It is also nice to know that you comprehend how much this means for me. I know i still have a long road ahead of me but like i said before, this is a huge and important step in our healing.
Distancing her from the immediate proximity of her former OP and the environment in which it happens is a huge step in healing. Without the constant worry of her being there, and the associated triggers, you can concentrate on your relationship and healing the wounds without them being re-opened.
As for the enforced break, well, there's not much you can do about it except to take one day at a time and focus on the goal. It will pass sonner than you think.
I remember well the day the OW was let go from H's company, an unbelievable weight was lifted from me. Ironically, her departure was almost exactly 2 years to the day I spoke on the phone with her and she revealed her relationship with my H. By this time, I had worked through much of my obsessing over her so it was not about fear of their relationship starting again, it was more about her not having a right to be anywhere near my man. Her leaving was a way of setting things right again on that front. It was one piece of the pain I could let go of forever.
The seperation concerns me. After infidelity couples need to stay as connected intimately as possible. B4 she goes work out a plan for mantaining intimacy in as many ways as you can. Love letters through email, snail mail and text messaging. Planned phone dates where you can do things together and share the experience, use your imagination. You might want to invest in a webcam for both of you to be able to view each other as you talk. If it is possible to have a w/e or two together, plan these in advance. But most of all continue to talk about your feelings, both of you, in regards to what you are both experiencing from the affair, in addition to the pain of the seperation.
I wish you and your W the best. Remember she really does get it, and that is such a big deal.
Ami, I worry about the separation too, but this was her one ticket out of there and we will have to make it work. Trust me, the separation is not by choice of either of us but without going into detail something that we won’t be able to avoid. I will definitely enforce the efforts to stay connected. The job is not only a job that serves its purpose of getting her out of her current job but actually one she wants and one that would provide her with a great career and a lot more money. It will mean a better future for both of us. We are going to try our best to cut the separation as short as possible. I agree what with Dave said I will just have to keep my eyes on the prize. She will do the same and has gone out of her way to convince me that she has learned her lesson and would not stray again, whether living with me or apart. She knows that we are still healing and I don’t think will do anything to jeopardize our recovery. I know this does not sound like the words of a man who said he is worried, but I have to believe this otherwise my marriage will not work and I will go insane.
