H and I spent another nice Saturday together, walking, talking, enjoying the day. We stopped and had a nice lunch -- and had some deep, real conversations about our past, about our relationship.
And then he left. And once again, I am here alone.
I understand that I cannot speed up the healing, R process but after time spent with my H, I feel like I end up getting hurt again about his (still) lack of committment to wanting our M to work, and the fact that we have been seperated for about 4 months now.
I am lonely.
When I am with my H, I find myself enjoying his company again. I feel like we spent all summer long fighting and throwing out insults, sharp knives and daggers at each other. Lately, it has been us again - but a deeper us.
Ok, it has only been two meetings since H and I took that month of no contact from eachother...I guess i am just feeling impatient.
I am trying desperately to move forward -- find happiness within myself and reach towards goals in life that don't involve H -- I feel like everytime i see H though, I find myself craving that companionship again, wondering what it would be like if we could actually be talking about our M WITHIN our M, in the same house!
And yes, I know what you will say - why don't you ask H -- but i am not going there. I asked and asked this man to stay to figure things out with me and i was constantly denied and rejected. I will not go there again.
Part of me wonders if I'm dragging out the heartache for myself. That if H can't commit today and for evermore, I should just end it now and maybe save myself some grief. Start a new life - I certainly felt alive and more emotionally sane when H and I spent that month apart.
But then of course, I feel like i'm trying to wish time away and not recognizing the slow progression that H and I have made. He is certainly NOT the person he was this summer - he has definitely shown signs of looking within himself and it has been so refreshing to hear him take responsibility, rather than blaming me or our M.
I think I'm starting to ramble -- bottomline, i don't fully trust my H because he still wont commit. I'm scared. I'm scared of getting even more invested in the M if H has no intensions of ever coming back.
I have come out and been direct with him - saying that I wanted him to be direct with me and just tell me that he wants out if thats what he feels. He says that he can't say that to me. BUT, of course, he also can't say that he wants to fight for our M. Ahh, limbo - how i hate this place.
