I just wanted to say, over the last few days I think I'm starting to understand a lot of the things I've read on here.

The big one is the rollercoaster that everyone mentions, I think its only now (just over 4 months post DD2) that I'm starting to realise what everyone was talking about. At one point a week ago things were getting so low I didn't see any future together because it looked unfixable, and I even suggested we should spend some time appart and I "didn't know if I loved her".

Then things suddenly change and we are doing fun things again, and I'm wondering if was completely wrong.

And then things come crashing down again over fears that I'm not as good as the OMen or her exes in the bedroom.

Up, Down, Up, Down.

How long does this last and are there any things that can help soften the jolts?

((((Adam)))
I think the rollercoaster ride definitely sucks!!! It is almost a year for me, minus a few days...I think the jolts are softer if you have a S who is sincerely doing her part in putting together your M.... It helps immensely to have a best friend or somebody close by, that you can talk to and who listens when you vent....Take care
Lisa

Hi Adam,

The rollercoaster can last for a hell of a long time - it really depends on the progress that you and your W make. BUT, if you can hang on through all of it, then gradually the highs and lows become less extreme, until one day you realise that they're just the usual bumps of a normal relationship. This is the ideal, and obviously it varies greatly from couple to couple and situation to situation. I am nearly a month past my second anniversary of D-day, and I am not on a rollercoaster anymore. I haven't been for probably over 6 months now, but then I was blessed with the return of the woman I married, and she worked incredibly hard with me to heal us. Other people are still on the rollercoaster after years have passed, because they have WS who either don't or won't get it, or they themselves cannot get past the betyrayal, or something is preventing them from healing.

At just over 4 months after D-day, you are only emerging from the initial shock period (in my reckoning). The rollercoaster can go on for a while, but if it does persist, you may (some may say will) get to a point where your emotional engine shuts down out of self-preservation and you start to feel numb (this is also something that can come and go several times).

All in all, it isn't a rosy picture of your immediate future, BUT... if you can hang on and somehow ride it out, then the reward may be a relationship better than you imagined. Make no mistake though, it isn't nice and it isn't easy. I would say from your posting history, though, that you DO seem to have the strength and fortitude to make it. Avail yourself of any and every means of support - friends, medical practitioners, and your WS (assuming she is working with you). And, of course, the people on here.

You WILL make it!

Dave

Thanks Lisa and Dave,

It really does suck.

She is taking new meds now for her depression and they seem to be working a little bit - taking the edge of it, but there's clearly some way to go.

I'm also just wishing for life to get simpler, which would make dealing with this so much easier, but there always seem to be so many other things going on that there isn't time/energy left to deal with the M problems.

We are starting to get back to doing things together that we used to enjoy (I think the meds have helped with it) but she still puts her foot in it sometimes and upsets me.

Its such a process!!!!!!! And, like in any uncomfortable process, one looks for the end as a means of getting through and surviving. So, those sneaky moments of happiness and normality can feel like we're on the threshold of being done. Sheesh! They're such a relief when they happen. But, without fail, because life remains complicated and healing isn't done, the ride continues and the feelings of anger, hurt, and numbness rear their ugly head(s) as single events or as combined forces.

If you can, Adam, try not to look at parts of the ride as steps forward or backward. That the two of you are on the ride together IS the step forward.

(I think BS who have an unremorseful spouse and are going through the rollercoaster in a more solo fashion are also moving forward towards survival and happiness - it just is a different ride towards that end.)
BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Adam, the fact that your W is on meds, and they are starting to have an effect is very heartening. I can see strong parallels with my own W here. After she finally got the meds she needed to treat her depression, it still took several months before she fully realised what she had to do so save our M and for us to heal. She must have started on her meds in about April 2006, and she finally started making serious moves to reconcile in late September, early October. She moved back in November 2006, and we started MC again. It's a slow process - treatment of a serious depressive condition can take months to bear fruit, and for someone with mental illness, it is a lifelong fight, and their condition has to be monitored continually.

But this is good news, and hopefully as she comes further out of her trough, things between you will improve still further. I think it is realistic to be expecting posts from you in a year telling us all how great you are doing, and how wonderful it is to be married to your W!



Fantastic! Just hang in there...

Dave