I've spend a good part of this afternoon readin this forum, and it sure helps to hear others' stories and know that I am not alone.

D-Day1 was July 31 and D-Day2 was October 7. Of this year. I had been with my BF for over 20 years. I found out about his cheating on July 31 and, when confronted, he admitted it. I was (am) devastated, but so wanted to believe him that he would end it. He told me all the things I wanted to hear, did all the things he knew would assure me, etc, etc. And, I WANTED so badly to save our relationship. He's the one and only true love of my life. So, I moved forward and tried to believe and trust.

Three weeks ago my mother had a stroke and I have been at her bedside pretty much all the time, except for work. I would meet BF some evenings for dinner or to unwind. He was very supportive and I suspected nothing. Then, on October 7 he texted me at the hospital that he needed to talk to me. He came to the hospital and asked me to come outside and talk to him. That previous night another woman was talking to a group of my friends at a community octoberfest and this woman that was there mentioned that she was dating my BF. When my friends heard this, they flipped out. So, long story short, he came to the hospital during a FAMILY CRISIS to cover his a**. He proceeded to tell me that this woman is "just a friend" blah, blah, blah. But, I soon found out he's been having an affair with her, too, and has been since BEFORE DDay1. She actually called me and asked me if I was seeing my BF and I told her yes! She couldn't believe it. Well, actually, she didn't believe it because she is sticking with him.

So, double whammy all within a few months -- 2 affairs with 2 different women -- and now I am sitting here numb from it all. And the icing on the cake is that he had me leave my mother's bedside to LIE to me. To my face, while looking me straight in the eyes.

So, I have broken all ties with him. And, now the slow healing process begins. I pray for some peace.

Send some healing thoughts my way, if you have the time.

Jane

Dear Jane, I am so very sorry for your heartache. I can't imagine what it would be like to have this pain, be confronted with your Mom's stroke, only to be emotionally slain again by your BF.

20 years together is a long time. You two obviously had a different kind of committment that would keep you together for that long. Still, I can't help wondering now what was in your BF's mind that kept him in a BF category instead of marrying you. But that's sort of past the scope of your post.

You said you've cut all ties. I'm wondering if BF has tried to maintain contact at all, and is acting remorseful and wanting you back. Or is he so lost in his fog that he is off with this secondary OW only to create new/continued betrayal with her?

I'm hoping your Mom is doing better. I'm hoping that you're taking care of yourself in the midst of this difficult time. Its really important to do that even when (and maybe especially because) its hard to make the effort just to take one step in front of the other during trauma.

It sounds like you have a circle of friends to support you and are already very aware of what's happened. I'm glad that circle is there for you. I'm also glad you found us here, because we will be another circle to help comfort, guide and listen along your path of healing.

Welcome. I'm again so sorry that this has happened to you. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

BF originally acted as if she was just a friend, he begged me to believe him, had all sorts of things to supposedly back up this assertion. He even offered to have OW #2 talk to me. Only thing is, he never thought I would take him up on it. Now, he has reacted quite angrily that I don't believe him, that I actually DID speak to OW #2, and he claims she's lying etc, etc. Meanwhile, he's telling her that I'm lying. He is doing the blame-shifting thing. I had several voice mails and text messages from him a couple days ago when I left the hospital and I didn't even listen or read them. Just deleted them all. I really felt I didn't need to be put through any further drama.

Tomorrow morning I get testing for every STD known in this universe.

Being cheated on is bad enought, but two different times within 3 months with two different women? This is unforgiveable.

I'm so disgusted and hurt.

(((((((((((Jane))))))))))))))))

Amidst all your grief and anger, you sound very strong. Wish there was more I could do or say to help. Blue

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Jane

It's really tough when men act so badly but you are being so wise in your response! A man who acts this badly early in your relationship doesn't deserve your heartache (he won't get better with time)and is best sent on his way.
MM

Unfortunately, it's not early. I've invested over 20 years in this relationship. But, as much as I don't want to believe it's over because of what he did, it is. He betrayed me with two women, lied about everything, and tried to cover his ass while I was at my mother's bedside. What a narcissist (which I had seen signs of).

Here's my update:

I have ignored all voicemails and text messages from him. I actually have deleted them without even listening or reading them, which is HUGE for me. But, I know that I would be tempted to respond, and that's just giving him attention (just like a child....even bad attention is attention).

I have turned to my friends and family for support. I have also had my engagement ring torn apart and I took the diamond and had it set in a new ring for my RIGHT hand. Sort of symbolic for me as my new beginning.

As my mother is on the road to recovery, I have begun taking care of myself and got myself back to the gym. I think it's a good stress outlet for me, and I have missed it this last month.

This whole betrayal and all of the lying and cheating is still on my mind 24/7, but I know that I cannot look back. There have been way too many lies over the past 20+ years and I know that I would only be setting myself up for further heartache down the road. There are only so many chances one can give a person. And so many times one can forgive. It's obvious to me that I pretty much gave him cart blanche to treat me this way because I forgave and forgave repeatedly. I'm sure that he is very surprised that I finally reached the end of my rope. I'm surprised at myself, actually.

When I take a good, hard look at all that has transpired over the years (and, especially over the summer with these betrayals), I truly think I have been dealing with a narcissist (maybe sociopath?). There's nothing more I can do but save myself. I don't believe there is any hope for him. He just won't stop lying and denying and that's been the modus operandi as long as I can remember. And me sweeping everything under the rug to save peace hasn't helped and won't ever help.

I know it's going to be very hard for me to trust again, and it's going to be very hard for me to move on to another relationship. I can't even fathom that at this point. I may enter IC, as well, since I obviously have issues that allowed me to stay in such a destructive cycle for so many, many years.

But, I am going to stay strong and I will continue to seek support from strong people in my life who care about me.

Jane

I applaud your courage and that you are determining what is right for you and acting on it.
So many of us here have felt like you regarding our past behavior. I allowed my H to behave horribly over the 20+ years of our M. He alternated between being selfish, cruel, irresponsible, mean and loving, sweet, fun (in retrospect, I don't think he ever made it to caring, though I thought he did at the time.) While I take no responsibility for his As, I do have to recognize that I was complicit in the horrible dance of our M. And, one of the hardest things for me to do is forgive myself for not throwing him out long before D Day. (We fought loudly and often but I mistook speaking up and screaming loudly with actually enforcing the boundaries.)
It is great to see you taking charge of your life, however you want it to go. I would highly recommend IC. For me, atleast, I am re-constructing my ways of very flawed ways of thinking about the world and my place in it....and learning not to blame myself too much, that I did the best I could at the time (that's the area I have to work harder at - so not there yet.)