Saw you, OW again today....
Happy,peaceful, planning out my day
I walked in to my little cafe almost knowing I would see you again
And there you were
The weathered skin
The deep scars
The silicon puffed lips
the scraggly bleached hair and black roots
A huge surgical bandage wrapped around your neck
You glared at me
I ignored you
And I felt sorry for you- taking myself by surprise- despite all of my prayers to feel forgiveness for both of you (WS and OW)
I wanted true forgiveness, not the fake, because it's the Christian way thing
I wanted to forgive truly, by will
And then I thought
How sad to look like that and have as a mission convincing men- any man
that you are "beautiful" and a former "supermodel" and (no joke) "direct lineage to the imperial throne of Country X"
How sad to leave bars in the dark with men and go on motorcycle rides with you have met only minutes before all the while claiming that you have been gang raped and live in fear of such a thing
How sad to pay thousands of dollars to host topless photos of yourself on a website for "models" who cannot get work
How sad to give away your children so that a married man will "screw you" for a few months
How sad to be a convicted stalker
How sad to wear so little clothing in a public place- to put childs pigtails in your hair and to speak in a childish voice to distract from your age
How sad to be an admitted slanderer and liar
(and how foolish to write all of your misdeeds in EMAILS!!!!!)
How sad to be so self-loathing that you are a rabid racist, believing other races to have "special diseases and smells and violence" and yet deny your own ethnicity- despite the fact that you attend X religious house and send your kids to X religious school
How sad to be repetitively used and abandoned by married men, to say you could fill a large book with just the names of the men who have abandoned you
How sad to promise to perform public sex acts with another gender (if you claim that you are not gay) so your married man, who says he will only "sleep with you without emotion" for "a month or two" will not be bored
How sad to have to admittedly take drugs to "not kill yourself" and to write to men who are leaving you that "you know you are too bad too live"
How sad- when I think of the tears and time I wasted on you
how sad your life as you near 40 and have the mentality of a abused, mentally-ill preteen
HOW could YOU have cost me a year of suffering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are worth SO MUCH less thatn my beautiful little son, my grand big wonderful life that is unfolding before me
God is SO good, because if I had not seen you face to face, been so shocked by it, and then really though about your sad little life, I probably would not be where I am today
Alive- still a little hurt- but SO GLAD I AM NOT YOU AND NEVER WILL BE
How strong- we survivors are- and how glad we are to NOT be these sad, pathetic creatures- morally and socially impaired, totally self-absorbed, missing the best parts of life.
Right on Mamabunny....that was awesome!! It really made me think about OW in our case, and you wrote it out so beautifully and really brought the point home...that these pathetic "creatures" of OW are such a freaking waste of our time to sit around comparing ourselves to...thinking about...obsessing about..."what was it about her that stole my H away"....etc etc...you really "named" OW for what they are. We give them so much power when we allow them to control our emotions. Well done Mamabunny!!! I think you are on your way to healing!!!
Now, Let's see, let me give it a try.
OW...I can't believe I allowed you free rent in my head for two years. Allowed you to torture me, compared myself incessantly to you...yes, you had my H's attention for five months..had his body for one weekend...but I have my H for a lifetime. All you were to him was an escape from a reality...a drug if you will..it wasnt YOU he liked...it was the escape he craved. And you take your clothes off for money...how much more pathetic can someone be than that? You actually believe you ARE your body...poor little girl. Nothing inside of you that has integrity or worth, you think it is all about your T&A. Men use you and throw you away..just like my H did when he got caught. You have no brains...no heart...no moral standard...all you have is that body of yours that you let strange men grope and have nasty fantasies about in dark rooms...you cheated on your H...a sweet man...and for what??? To continue to live a life where you will probably live this pattern out over and over and over again..because you have no idea that you are worth anything else than your body..a TON of makeup, and fake eyelashes. I feel sorry for you. I pity you. And I will never compare myself to you ever again.
I have a life, a beautiful daughter, a H that is remorseful and is becoming a better man everyday...a H that rejected YOU and ran like hell when he saw what he risked...I have worth not only for my external beauty, but for my internal beauty. I help people in my job...really help people..I have an education...I have a wonderful supportive family..I have incredible, interesting, deep friendships...I have lived all over the world...I know that I deserve to be treated with respect and honor...I know right from wrong...I love God and have a relationship with him...I have peace in a deep place within...a peace that is there no matter what external validation I am getting fromn the world...A peace you will never know. I do not have to exploit, and manipulate, and LIE, or sell my body...for I know my worth lays in much deeper places...a place you could never offer my husband. HE CHOSE ME, and he feels nothing but deep SHAME for any interaction he EVER had with you. That is all you can offer anyone..SHAME, and HUMILIATION. In the words of Faith Hill, when another woman like you grabbed her husbands ahem, "package" when they where on stage giving a concert..."Someone needs to teach you some class, my friend". Class, diginty, integrity, kindness, softness, morals, depth, intelligence, peace, love, healthy, gentleness, sweetness....WORDS that will never describe you my friend. Words that people use to describe me. SHAME on you. You deserve all that you reap from this action.
I pity you.
Hope
This message has been edited by Hopearoo on Oct 17, 2007 11:07 AM
As Corine used to say, "hurt people hurt people". In many, many situations OP & WS's are people who are hurting in some way and they deal with it by hurting others, including their partner in the affair.
My wife experienced the loss of her father as a young girl and sexual abuse as a teenage girl. The OM's wife had left him for another man 6 months prior to the affair, and even though she returned, he was going through a very difficult situation. I don't know his childhood history, but I believe it's likely that he had some problems from what I know about his parents, and the fact that he's not a large person (so I'm guessing he was picked on as kid).
Pain leaves you feeling that there is no justice, no fairness, and that you have no power. For some the conclusion is "Why be fair if there is no fairness, why be kind if there is no kindness, why be just if there is no justice?" They seek to exert power and control to restore that which they have lost.
A lot of the BS's that I've known through this site have chosen to break the cycle. To me, that's the miricle of forgiveness.
"Pain leaves you feeling that there is no justice, no fairness, and that you have no power. For some the conclusion is "Why be fair if there is no fairness, why be kind if there is no kindness, why be just if there is no justice?" They seek to exert power and control to restore that which they have lost.
A lot of the BS's that I've known through this site have chosen to break the cycle. To me, that's the miricle of forgiveness."
Wow. How powerful that statement is.
I like this thread, though, as a means to release our inner pain in a safe environment without direct contact with an OP.
Hugs to all. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
In the early days, I wrote letter after letter to the OW, telling her what I thought of her with the goal of reducing her in every way. Luckily, enough people told me that by sending it, I would be reducing myself but it really, really helped to write. I wish I had saved some - they were masterpieces of cruelty and venom.
My IC told me something that helped - she said that, without exception, women who have affairs with married men have big issues. She could not venture to say what those issues were but that affairs are not the sign of a healthy woman with self confidence and self respect.
I think about OW less and less but when I do, the rage still comes back with a fury. I will consider it a huge step in my path of recovery when, like Ami, I don't think of her very much at all or think of her with disinterest. It does gall me that H is at that place and says he never thinks about her but he does understand that she is part of his distant path and that it is all still very new to me.
OW in our case is certainly damaged. The problem is that she used that fragility to keep my H in her web. Everytime he tried to break it off she became the damsel in distress again, made him feel guilty as though he was the cause of all his problems. His issue is that he wants everyone to like him, so when she pulled this stunt he couldn't go through with the separation, and had to tell her that he loved her/wanted to be with her/would never be happy without her etc. A vicious circle indeed. So the letter I would write to OW would be sympathetic, understanding but would point out all the lies he told her, that their fantasy was constructed on sand and he never had any intention of making it real. In the end, I always remember the aphorism "If he can do it with you, he can do it to you." He was lying to me for her, but equally he was lying to her for himself.
>I like this thread, though, as a means to release our inner pain in a safe environment without direct contact with an OP.
Yes, I didn't mean to imply otherwise. I can see how my post would be seen that way. I think those feelings need to be recognized, discussed and put into their proper perspective. Although this isn't exactly the same and I'm mixing threads in mentioning this, I had some violent revenge fantasies, but discussing them helped me have those feelings without going any further.
How freeing to write a letter to OW, I have written a letter many times in my head, but have never put it on paper. I don't feel pity for her, but I do feel anger towards her and what she has done to my family and continues to do. My C says that my anger is misdirected, that I should feel anger to my H, not her, because it was his choice not hers. Understandably so, but she is not an innocent person, a manipulative one is more like it.
Like Tom, I have had many fantasy of revengeful violence, but would never act upon it, but it does put a big smile on my face when I think about it!!
>My C says that my anger is misdirected, that I should feel anger to my H, not her, because it was his choice not hers.
In my opinion, if she knew your husband was a married man, then she knew she was doing wrong. Marriage is a social instituion. It is put in place to promote better and healthier families. Without marriage, then society would be reduced to cases of, at best, couples cohabitating without the benfits and protections afforded by marraige laws. The problems introduced by divorce would be much more widespread than they are at present.
One such protection is the respect of the fidelity of the marriage. As members of society, people are expected to observe the legal marriage boundaries of married people. This means, that you are damaging the community in which you live when you are a particpant in adultery.
The OP do deserve a portion of the blame, as does the wayward spouse.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Oct 18, 2007 10:45 AM
"The OP do deserve a portion of the blame, as does the wayward spouse."
I couldn't agree more.
It is possible that people only blame the OP, giving their WS a pass, which should not be done. But this does not mean that OP doesn't deserve a portion of our anger for the crime they have committed against the BS.
Hope......loved your letter to OW!
My MC just this morning suggested I write OW a letter, expressing my anger at her. (she was a close friend) He said I don't necessarily have to send it; but to at least write down my thoughts, put it away for a week or so, then review and revise it; send it, save it, throw it away, or burn it; whatever I feel is right for me. He said it should be all about ME, and for ME. Mentally, I have been thinking for months of things I would love to say to her. I don't know if I will actually send her what I write; maybe it's just a good way to "compartmentalize" my feelings so that I can move on, and get to the point, as Ami says "she no longer matters". I don't feel that anger at the OP is misdirected; they've earned it. But unfortuantely that anger only hurts us, the BS. I doubt very much my feelings matter to her; if they did, she wouldn't have had that 15 year affair with my H. When I first found out about the A, I told her that she was DEAD to me; meaning she would never have a presence in my life again. I think she took that to mean I was out to harm her; so as I understand it, she is afraid to run into me. And, I rather like it that way!! So, whatever I decide to do...I refuse to relinquish any of that power!
My IC worked hard to get me to see that any kind of confrontation with my H's OW would be a waste of time because she was, by her own admission, a multiple OW, having had three or four A prior to having one with my H. My IC said that anyone who would have so many A obviously has no regard for anyone else's marriage and that nothing I could say to her would do anything to change her feelings, but might give her an even greater sense of power than she had already given herself.
My IC also worked hard to get me to see that I am a far better, more honorable, loving person than OW has likely ever been and might ever be, based on what we knew about her. My IC said OW was a pretty pathetic person.
I think she is right about my H's OW.
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Current Topic - Sympathy For The Devil / Letter To OW
Good for you.
