In what way do I bring this on myself? Apart from, of course, having the compassion to stay. So yes maybe I did bring this on myself - fool me for marrying.
I think what JJ means is that your W has no boundaries for herself regarding relations with other men. It is also apparent that you have decided that it is OK for her to have relations with other men, another ill-advised boundary issue. This lack of boundaries can only lead to more pain for you.
Think about it, if she were an alcoholic would you be Ok with her having just one drink? If not, the same should apply to men for your W. She has a problem in this area and should not put herself in a position where she is going to be vulnerable. Likewise, by enabling her, you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position.
BTW, I don’t think this is a bizarre trigger at all. Quite understandable. Your W is out with a former boyfriend, an obvious trigger for anyone after infidelity. Even though you are determined to bury your feelings about your W and men, the program you were watching gave them an outlet.
Adam, we have all been or are in your shoes. We know the emotions one experiences after infidelity. They will find their way out one way or another.
Ami
This message has been edited by Amistandingstill on Oct 24, 2007 6:03 AM
That seems like a trigger that could be expected. After all, your wife who recently had an affair, and even more recently attempted suicide, is out on a date with another man. At least, that's what I would call an occasion where my wife had dinner at a restaurant with another man that was not strictly for business purposes.
I understand your reasons for not stopping this, and I do think those are your choices to make, but I think you should also know that I would not choose the same way. I also suspect that only a small minority of people would not speak up against their wayward spouse spending time with a person in this context.
While you can go your own way on this, you should also know (and learn from) how others have gone.
This is not at all a strange trigger. I would have been shocked if you hadn't triggered.
I'll add on to JJ's and Ami's posts: IMFO, do not be afraid to set boundaries of what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior on your wife's part. She needs to know because she can't read your mind. True, while you can not control her actions, you can tell her that her going out to dinner with another man is crossing your boundaries, and if she does it, there will be consequences. It is up to you to decide what those consequences will be. If she violates your boundaries, you then enforce your consequences.
Please don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. From my outsider's (and mom's, OK I admit it!) position, I see your wife walking all over you, completely disregarding your feelings and the boundaries that should be in place if your marriage is to survive. Hasn't she done enough damage to you and your marriage already? Why does she think she can do as she damn well pleases and you are supposed to like it and shut up about it?
Can you tell I'm not in the best of moods today? I just want to shake your wife and tell her how much you love her and how lucky she is to have such a caring husband. Ack!
Please take care of yourself and try not to belittle yourself.
Adam, I think your wife is screaming at you. Like an undisciplined child, she WANTS you to set the bounderies for her and ENFORCE them. You are enabling her bad behavior and as long as you allow it, she will continue.
Hi Adam,
I understand and have come to agree with what all of the wise posters here have said. But I also understand where you are coming from, though it is probably presumptuous to say that.
I had major problems setting up boundaries for my H, pre-D Day. I "respected" his need to be free, to have friends of both sexes, to operate independently, to not be hemmed in by me or M. I consider myself a liberal thinker and thought all of that was OK - that putting restraints on my H was old-fashioned and conservative. I thought of him as this wonderful,exciting wild thing that needed to run free.
I was so, so wrong and so, so stupid. My H was not free and independent - he was abusive and selfish. He did not understand what M and commitment are. And I enabled all of that with the nonsense I told myself.
Post D Day, I put lots of restraints on him and for a while, it was very difficult. It was hard for him to give him his other life and his "ornaments," as he called his OW. We fought, struggled, talked and loved and finally, finally, he got it. He still has women friends - it is just the nature of the business we both are in - and we still have some issues but he is learning how to behave and I am learning how to trust and stand up for myself.
Don't know if any of that helps you or relates to your circumstances. All that anyone here wants to do is help and offer comfort. This is all so hard but it can get better.
It won't be the first time I fly in the face of conventional wisdom, but I think I'm pretty justified here. My wife is suffering for severe depression. Enforcing boundaries on a depressed person is very very tricky - and I think in this case would have been a very bad idea.
She was actually doing something - and for that I was glad. He's also a pretty sound guy, so I wasn't really c**pping myself to be honest.
It is taking a long time but I am gradually coming to understand more about how depression works and effects her. These ideas of "standing up to her" are really playing with fire around dynamite!
BTW the point of "bizarre" was the odds of putting someone on the telly who looked like the stupid sh*t.
I think part of this is you have to realise that if you are staying then you are staying, and you love someone no matter what - expecting nothing in return. It is not worth enforcing a boundary that I know will hurt her, just to make things a bit easier for me. I'm capable of rational though, she isn't - "fair" doesn't come into this.
Some of you will be saying, yes but if you choose this path then when it all is fixed, I might not have healed properly and the damamge may be permanent.
Well, I love her now, and so I would rather lose my marriage and save her happiness, than save the marriage and lose her happiness. If in a years time her depression has been beaten, but the cost is our marriage, then that is something I can live with.
>I think part of this is you have to realise that if you are staying then you are staying, and you love someone no matter what - expecting nothing in return.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that you shouldn't love her sacrificially. I'm saying that LOVE is not always giving a person what they think they want or think they need.
No one gives their kids obviously dangerous toys, but how many people deprive them of toys that allow them to become withdrawn and undeveloped? Surely no one would let their young preschool children cross a busy highway unsupervised, even if they wanted, and that is a demonstration of love, even if they want, demand, and throw tantrums otherwise.
At the same time, who denies their teenage children the opportunity to learn through somewhat dangerous experiences? Most teenagers are permitted to drive cars, stay out past dark, take more responsibility... that is also love.
I think the same is true in all relationships. While we don't control other adults with the authority we have with children, we do have the power to encourage and enable behavior that is truly constructive and other behavior that is not. It's our responsibility, as people who love them, to make sound choices. Since you believe that her time with this man was important, constructive, and to be encouraged, I will not question that decision. I understand that situations involving mental illness require different choices to be made. I also think that dealing with metal illness needs and extra degree of discernment, since it can be difficult to tell the difference between allowing behavior that is beyond the person's control and behavior they 'choose' to do.
As far as the trigger goes, I guess it did go over my head. I don't think I understood that the character in the film reminded you of the OM. That's happened to me, and fortunately I was able to speak to my wife about that. It helped to discuss it with her.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Oct 25, 2007 9:15 AM
