My H is away this weekend - said that he was looking forward to taking some time away from work, family, to truly look within himself -- try to come to some sense about our future together.
We agreed to meet next week to seriously talk about a path.
I have convinced myself today that my M is over. I decided it would be a good day to start packing up H's things for him. I've been a mad woman - my house is a MESS. I just started ripping down books from the shelves, clothes from the hamper (yes, there are still dirty clothes, after 4 months, in the hamper that i've refused to touch) Started throwing all his crap in a box...anything i could find, emptying drawers...
I started going through other boxes - i was on a mission - collected every card that we've ever written to each other and now have a nice big pile to give him.
I was half way into the rush of this and just lost it and broke down hysterically crying on the floor.
Then thought, maybe i was making it too easy on H, packing for him. Maybe i should put it all back?!?
But, i'm the one that is still LIVING here, having to see his things, still smell his cologne everytime i open the closet. He didn't even take his clothes - he f***ing RAN.
I feel like a huge MESS today. I feel like i'm losing my mind. And as i'm slowly calming now, i look around me and my house looks like a tornado hit it. I feel like i can't breathe...
I feel like i'm going crazy Please tell me i'm not...I'm not, right?
You are NOT going crazy. You are understandably hurting and in agony.
There are those of us that would have donated all of H's things to a charity...or had them go straight into a trashbin. Still others of us may have packed H up, as you are doing. And there are those of us that would have continued to let everything sit (I absolutely would have left the laundry sitting, too).
Please don't second guess yourself on what you're doing now, Ka. You did what you needed to do, and I'm hoping that, despite the pain, that you are also feeling the power of action.
Your packing up now also yields you this: If your H comes back from his introspective weekend and says he's done with the M, you are not then forced to either have him in your face and place getting his things. And then you've also clearly separated things out as you would like them to be separated. You will have made the physical portion of an M ending at least somewhat more bearable.
If your H comes back from his introspective weekend, and says he really wants this M to work and he is now finally willing to try, (and you're open to that and can commit to working on the marriage, too), then he can put in his own time and effort unpacking his life and joining it back to yours.
If I were in your shoes, I'd continue packing, with an internal understanding that I was planning for the worst, but hoping for the best. I'd get the packing all done to the best of my ability and stash his stuff in a closet, or the garage (somewhere out of your sight). I'd then clean the house/apartment up, buy some flowers, light some candles, and do something visually to show yourself that there is beauty and life even if H's stuff isn't there. It shouldn't look sterile. It shouldn't look empty. It should look like Ka lives there and what a beautiful place it is.
If there was any way possible, I'd jump in the car and show up with the bouquet. Be really good to yourself this weekend. All my best wishes. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
You are not crazy, you're going through a crazy time, but definitely not crazy!
I like Blue Iris' suggestion, don't keep the place sterile, get some flowers, light some candles, put on some great music. I'd send you some flowers if I could, I have fragrant ones growing in my back yard...
You are not crazy! It seems you have taken a few steps raise the limbo bar.
Ditto what Blue Iris said. In addition, if he returns from his intorspective weekend still ambivilent he will have a clear message that he has to make a decision one way or other. If he still won't make a decision then IMHO take all his things over to his parents and make the decision for him.
Continue your mission and take Blue's advice to make the place yours, make your home a haven where you are comfortable, and raise the limbo bar high enough to walk under it with your head held high! Let me know if you need to chat later.
Thank you for your validating words - they were reassuring. I decided to continue with my project, after a few deep breaths...and found some happiness that i now have an extra closet to put all my clothes in! I ordered in a pizza, and thanks to your advice BlueIris, started making a shopping list of items that i'm going to buy for myself - to make my home mine.
I feel calmer now. It was an awful feeling second guessing myself -felt like a madwoman for awhile :P so i appreciated your feedback.
I am sooo glad that Blueiris responded so soon after you posted because she is absolutely right about everything.
I am glad that you are making a list of things to make it your home. I hope you enjoy your pizza .
I think that you packing your H's stuff up might be a wake up call for him. He has been fence sitting for too long now. Maybe seeing that you are done putting up with this crap will finally force him to make a decision once and for all.
Draw those lines and stick with them!!! Good for you!
I am also struggling with boundries with my H and it seems like he fights them for awhile to see if I am going to give in like I did in the past, but I am not. I am not the same weak person I was last year, I am alot stronger and know that I deserve to be treated so much better than I have been and I will pack me and my kids up and move on if he won't accept my boundries. So after a period of testing me to see if I am serious he usually settles down and complies, not always happily but thats ok too. He actually seems to respect me more now that I am standing up for myself.
So I am sorry that you are still dealing with all of these painful issues but stick with your guns and make him realize that it is time for you to move on with or without him. Maybe thats what he will need to finally jump off the fence.
Sending you lots of hugs.
Have fun decorating YOUR house!
You are so not crazy. In fact, I think it is very sane to take steps to do what is right for you. You are in a traumatic situation and are holding on for dear life. But you are holding on and moving forward. Extreme emotion is so very normal - I think you are doing remarkably well. I remember feeling like I was going insane too - but now recognize that the feeling of insanity is paradoxically a very normal/sane response to the unbelievable and surreal situation I found myself in. (H found me sobbing on the bathroom floor, hyper-ventilating and begging him to take me to a hospital.)
Also agree with others that it is a great time for you to do pleasurable things for yourself - manicure/pedicure, night out with girlfriends, massage, yoga class, rent a great movie. Show yourself how great your life can be - with or without H.
My primary goal is to find happiness in myself, to value myself and my needs and never again to settle for anything less than the respect and love that every person deserves. Secondarily, I want my M to work but not at the expense of my self esteem. Been there, done that and bought the T shirt, which said "I am a doormat." In my book, you are so not a doormat and are working your way towards happiness.
((((Ka))))
I agree with everybody else.. you are not crazy..you are coping in the best way you know how, in order to keep from going crazy....be good to yourself...
Lisa
thank you again for your kind words -- i have been feeling so emotional these days -- i know now that i cannot wait for H to make up his mind and the tears are flowing with the recognition that i HAVE to move on without him.
I do tend to get a little irrational. H and I have spent the past month having incredible, truthful, deep conversations. Knowing that he is away this weekend to really reflect so that we can come together to make decisions has me thinking the worst -- i'm preparing for the worst, trying to get myself prepared for the D word...and it has me running all over the place like a chicken with its head cut off!
I went out and spent waaaaaaaaay too much money today for new things to put around the house. oh well.
Went furniture shopping too - though had a weird trigger when i saw our couch set in the store - had to run out cause the tears started to flow. I come home to this couch every day?? I think it just reminded me that it was H AND I here before, buying furniture together. sigh
Thanks again for validating that i am NOT crazy, it was so nice to read your responses and felt like others understood. I feel awfully alone these days.
Reading your post made me feel like I am "normal" in some of the BS behavior, although it is going on 2 years for me. Sometimes it is so hard to keep your head on straight. I find that it bottles up in me, then I explode in tears. Just know that you are not alone.
It seems you have taken a few steps raise the limbo bar. 