Help!!!
What would you parents do if you had a kid who seems to be constantly getting into some kind of trouble, and won't wake up to the fact that something is wrong... My youngest son, Ben, is doing just this...Last week I just got him out of jail( we had left him in there 9 days), because he promised that he would get into a treatment program for drugs/alcohol( I had already gotten emergency funding for it,COBRA, during the time he was in jail)..Well, he has been out of jail a week, doesn't feel like he needs drug/alchohol treatment, and that I would be wasting my money...He doesn't understand that most other young people DON'T behave the way he does...he has been arrested 4 times in the last 2 years, all misdemeanors, but the last time was the first time we left him in jail for a while.
Last nite my H gets this weird call from Ben that he is at a RAVE(party)..we try to get him to say where he was at, this goes on for some time..is 1:00 in the morning, with me due to get up at 4:00 for work, finally he tells me that he is driving home, he sounded very fu#$%ed up.,I couldn't get him tell me where he was at.....I was in such a panic that I called in sick for work, and spent the next 2 or 3 hours looking for him...Finaly 8 or 9 in the morning I find out that he survived th nite, not going to jail/hospital/morgue... at this time, my H tells me "you should have gone to work.
...I feel mad... lost... nobody to talk to face to face at the moment....H is working for beer and barbecue at somebody's house helping to put up siding,.. or so he says...
I feel like my life has gone totally crazy...I just don't know what to do with Ben (he is 20), if he refuses to listen to me, and he continues this path he is on...
I am so sorry, I know what you are going through. I went through this with my youngest. It is awful, and if that wasn't bad enough? I also had to deal with the affair fallout at the same too.
But honestly, your only recourse is to let him go. He needs to fall and learn to pick himself up all on his own. I know it is terrifyinng, I have been there, because there is no guarantee that he will pick himself up. Either way though, it still in the end will have to come from him.
find a chapter in your area and go to the meetings. They really helped me accept the idea of letting my son go. He got worse in the beginning, but he did eventually learn to pick himself up.
Wow, do I understand the craziness of your life right now. My H is an alcoholic, now sober for 2 years, but during the actively alcoholic/A-ridden years, I felt like my life was spinning out of control. I was always anxious, on edge and worried about him all the time. Through his alcoholism, I lost myself.
First, read all you can about addiction. It is a terrible, terrible disease that clouds the addict's thinking whether or not he is under the influence at that moment.
Then, I would recommend going to Alanon - I went to a few meetings in person but there are also on-line chat meetings. It is extremely comforting to know that you are not alone, that there are others with your exact story and feelings. If you can't, get the literature. It helps you understand that you are as powerless over their addiction as they are and that enabling only makes it worse. In the meetings I went to, it seemed to be equally split between people whose addicted loved one was a parent, spouse or child.
I make it sound so easy and I know it is the hardest thing in the world to detach from the pain of a loved one. I was unsuccessful for years and years, years that I regret.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is insanity and painful beyond belief.
Thank you Ami and Susan for responding...
Yep... the same with me, I'm dealing with my H's, and Benji's drinking, and at the same time experiencing and dealing with the fallout from my H's affair
I visited the web site tough love, found that there is a chapter about 30 minutes from me... I will go the first chance I get..same with alanon..my husband also drinks everyday... like a whale.. but at least he doesn't venture out into the world after drinking, he just dozes off, and isn't there to talk to... Benji on the other hand, I'm afraid he will kill himself or somebody else evenually, by driving impaired, if he keeps partying, drinking, irresponsibly..
Lisa
