I am having a tough time this morning with bad thoughts about certain sexual acts that took place. They haunt me sometimes and the thought of it makes me cringe. I told M wife and with best intend she told me to think about other stuff and mentioned some happy thoughts for me to think of. It’s easier said than done and I have trouble just switching thoughts. Like I said they haunt me. I think a big part of it is because there is still so much emotion and feeling attached to the thoughts. I can feel my heart sink, my stomach turn and my mood change. I try and think of other things but they keep creeping in and it’s like my mind won’t let me. Like its saying, “how can you dismiss this if it that bothersome too you” How long till the emotion associated with bad thoughts disappear? For those of you that are far along, do you still think of the acts and if so, is there any emotion attached to it?
I apologize if I have touch on this before and it feels like I keep complaining about the same things in my posts but I obviously still have trouble with it and just need an outlet and possibly advise.
Hart, I totally understand what you are feeling. For a long time, probably close to 18 months, I would literally moan when I thought of them together. Those horrible movies played every night, as soon as I lay down and had nothing to do.
So, a few thoughts for you:
-it takes a lot of time for the A to become part of the past and not your present. You need to let time pass and build a new and better M with new memories.(Sounds like you are really doing that and have a great wife to help you in the process.) At about the 2 years mark, I was able to think of the A as something distant that happened to people very different from who H and I are today.
-As I better understood the A, the motivations, the behavior, I was better able to see it as the sad act of two very desperate people. It started to lose its excitment factor - it was no longer sexy, just very pathetic. My IC helped me a lot to understand my H and the motivations of the OW. H also helped but it was her more objective point of view about adultery and the people involved that helped me the most.
-If you can, distract yourself with physical activity. I found that the movies played the longest and the loudest when I wasn't doing anything. If I forced myself to go out, go to a bookstore, go shopping, visit a friend - anything - it got better. Cerebral activities (reading)didn't help as much because I was easily distracted by the visions. Nighttimes were the hardest but I took sleeping pills to avoid that terrible time of day.
I admit that I still struggle sometimes, but not as badly and not as often. My particular issue is wanting revenge against the OW but that is a long story and another post.
In the end, there is no magic or instant solution. As so many people here have said, it takes lots and lots of time. But come here and let it out as often as you like - it just helps to know that there are so many who totally understand what you are going through.
Selfesteemseeker, thank you for your post and your advice. It is nice to hear that there is an end to this mind torture but also sad at the same time because I realize in the time frame that you speak of that I still have a long road ahead of me since it’s only 10 months since D-Day. Maybe I am too impatient but who wouldn’t be hasty in their desire to have these unpleasant experiences pass? I know exactly what you mean by just thinking of something else or reading does not always help because these thoughts are strong and they will just take over. I can see how physical activity will help more since it requires your attention and I will definitely try it.
To me knowing the “whys” and the “hows” help with healing and is important but is separate from being haunted by specific sexual thought or images because no matter why it happened, the fact is that it did and the thought of the act by itself is what makes me cringe.
I too feel that or struggle with the revenge factor on OM. I feel an enormous amount of hate and resentment towards that man and many times it takes everything in me to just let it go and not to confront him or tell his wife in order to create some sort of pain in his life. But I guess, also another problem for another discussion. Thanks again for you understanding and help.
Hi there. I have had the same issue-from endless tape loops playing in my head of my beloved doing unspeakable things with her 4 OM, to sudden, stabbing images that seemed to arise from nowhere. I am many years past D Day, and they are much less now, with less emotion, but early on I didn't know if I could ever get over them. It was hellish, as you know.
I have posted this before--many of us have spouses who were married before, or who were in sexually intimate relationships before they met us. Most of us can accept that without any problem. So what I do is "fool" myself into thinking that those sexual things happened before we met. It actually works sometimes. Perhaps it can help you to try to look at it this way, too.
BB
