Before WS left for course on Sunday, he found out from the OW (and shared with me) that her job in Ottawa fell through but she is still looking for something here.

This hit me in the gut big time because:
a)He hadn't mentioned her at all since his birthday (when she didn't call) so I thought things were almost over
b)he was disappointed she wouldn't be coming (as in "see the world won't let me be happy"), which means he has every intention of asking me to leave

He is still straddling the fence because he wants me as his backup in case she doesn't come (we talk openly about this). I pointed out that she is irrelevant to me and he has to decide if he wants me here (and I won't be if she is, so he will have to choose).

I can't tell if he is still in a fog or if he truly loves her. If he loves her, I should do the right thing and let him have the life he wants. But, in the same weekend, he talked about missing me already.

The worst part was that we were supposed to spend Sat. together but, after talking to her, he got down in the dumps. I told him that I wanted to be the friend he could talk about anything with but, in this one case, I don't have any sympathy. He said he hated not having anyone to talk to about this. He then took of for the afternoon/evening with the promise to come home later and watch a movie. I understood that he needed time to deal with this, but it really did hurt me to the core.

WS did come back, after midnight (he even tried calling first to see if I was awake. I had turned off the phone as I didn't want to talk to family or him - too emotional.) We watched the movie and joked and hung out. The next day was like Sat. didn't happen as he packed and we went for coffee on his way out of town. I talked about spending my birthday gift card from work next weekend (he has promised he will be back for my birthday and I know he already bought me a present) and he asked if he could come along. I responded that it depended on whether or not he was planning on spending time with me (a dig at how much he hasn't been). He joked it off and made a point of wanting to walk around the bookstore with me (coffee shop was in the bookstore) and buying me coffee.

My gut is telling me that it is over, no matter how much I don't want it to be. How do I prepare myself for that conversation on the 15th when he tells me he doesn't want me anymore?

Chinook

Chinook,

I am so sorry you had this bomb blown up in your face. Of course you are hurting! Anyone in your position would.

I can't help thinking that he won't give you an answer on the 15th. Why should he? He has apparently gotten very comfortable sitting on the fence, eating his "poor little me" pills. He has decided that he is entitled to self-pity regardless of what happens. IMFO, he is waiting for YOU to make the decision, and then he won't be the bad guy; he'll just give himself another excuse to swallow more of his self-pity pills.

You do what YOU need to do to take care of you. Right now, you can not trust your H to make sound, loving decisions. I think not expecting him to do ANYTHING is about the best you can hope for. Accept that you CAN heal with or without him. You CAN be happy again. You do NOT need this garbage in your life. (I meant the situation, not him, BTW.)

Big comforting fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

"he got down in the dumps. I told him that I wanted to be the friend he could talk about anything with "

Sounds like you are a little desperate to keep him in your life. I understand since I was there once. Perhaps you should turn the focus to you and healing you and forget about him for a bit. Let him chase you if he wants. Right now you are giving him cake with lots of icing and he is licking up every bit.

Your marriage may not survive, but if you start focusing on you then when it does end, if it ends, you will be in alot better place to pick yourself off the ground and get on with your life.

Kid

But will it end? I wish I knew. For my birthday, he gave me a stereo I hadn't ever thought I would get for myself (I am trying hard to pay off my own debt) and a card that said "to my patient wife". I could have cried. I wanted to hug that card to my like a safety line. Does he still see me as his wife? Atleast he realizes my patience with him.

This past weekend went great. No fights (or even trying not to fight, if that makes sense). We both noted it on Sunday night, before he headed back to Kingston. He even went as far to say that the more time he spends away from me (he went out Sat. night, I was fine with that as he spent my birthday with me and didn't make me feel like it was an imposition) the more he can't understand why he does it. I pointed out that he probably just wants to knwo that he can go out if he wants.

This weekend is going to be interesting . He is bringing up a buddy for the weekend for the Rememberance Day Ceremony. He is from Alberta/B.C. and never been to Ottawa, so we will be doing the touristy thing with him (WS has said I am invited, of course. - I have told him I no longer assume I am involved in any of his plns, so this was necessary and not rude) and then we are all going to the ceremony Sunday morning.

Thing is - buddy is going to be staying in my bed and WS asked me to stay in his (he asked if this is okay with me first). I don't know if he told buddy about the state of our marriage, so I will be cleaning up my room to make it acceptable for guests (our first one ever!). At the very least, there will be no fighting as we always do well as a "public couple."

WS is even making plans for other weekends for me picking him up in Kingston and us going into the US and another weekend of Christmas shopping in Toronto. He makes it sound like we will be together after the 15th but, then again, I am not getting my hopes up at this being more than just talk. Also, he may not think I am serious about leaving if he doesn't choose me.

I look at KA's story and see mine. WS is running away and a D to him always seemed inevitable (he said he wouldn't have stayed if the roles were reversed). He is immature, but, at the same time, I see him growing up when it comes to everything else in his life, especially his job. And, without sounding too scientific, that last growth spurt, physical and mental, in men is supposedly around the age of 21-25. That would make it right about now (for future reference - I am NEVER dating, never mind anything else, anyone who hasn't finished becoming a mature adult. It was just a dumb idea on my part!)

Chinook