This is a very hard time for me right now. This time last year H was totally distant from the family. He would work all the time and when he wasn't at work he would sleep or play video games. He was always sick on his days off and would get all better by the middle of the week when OW didn't have her kids and he would spend time with her.
I have been trying to not wallow in depression and have been trying to be up beat and spend time with H doing things together and making new better memories. And have been doing pretty well, but last night I called him at work and asked him what he was doing and he told me he was "lei"-ing one of the girls at work and that comment just pushed me into the depths of depression.
Suddenly the images of H and OW filled my head again and those yucky panicky feelings started in. I told H how much his comment upset me and he didn't "get it". He got frustrated because he didn't understand why the comment upset me so he got kind of huffy with me which magnified my depression to the point where I was at work crying all afternoon.
When I explained what the comment did to me as far as the images and how hard I am trying to keep the depression from consuming me he did become more sympathetic but did I over react?
He also said that he has spent the last 6 months apologizing for everything he does. What does that mean??? I asked him if that meant he was done trying and he said no. I asked him what he meant and he said he was just pointing out how he feels like I have a problem with everything that he does. I explained to him that all I want is to be treated with respect and that is where all the issues I have come from.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray, PHd.
I've only started it, but I'm seeing how my needs in the process of recovering from an A are absolutely contrary to meeting my H needs as a man. I've only read a few pages so I don't have a whole lot of advice. Just thought it might help.
I dont think sharing your thoughts and feelings is overreacting...it's what needs to happen. All I can say is that most WS's dont like to be reminded of the pain they have caused, and some just dont know how to deal with the pain and guilt. He points out all he has done in an attempt to feel less guilt by trying to get you to back off. Unfortunately this is common...WS's get defensive, but it does not help in healing and can hurt the BS...we feel our feelings have been invalidated and that the WS should be more empathetic...but all the WS wants is to move on and not dwell on the A...and all the BS wants is to feel our feelings matter to the WS. Hopefully he will come to undertsand one day that in order to move on the A must be discussed and feelings must be shared...otherwise you cannot let them go. Holding it in is destructive!
Im sorry you are hurting ((((hugs))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Hope I also read part of that book right after D-day1. when I realized that I should read that book when we were at a better point I put it away. But what I did read made me realize how far off base we were to being able to communicate effectively. And a lot of parts were totally right without me even realizing we had issues in certain areas. It is a very eye opening book.
Cal I think you really pin pointed my problem when you said that he needed to validate my feelings. You put into words what I had been trying to say.
WH and I talked today after I reread parts of After the Affari by Janis Abrams on talking I and think that we need to learn to listen to the whole picture not just the part where we feel critized. And we need to meet some where in the middle as far as my wanting him to validate everything I say and with him wanting everything being viewed from his point of view. I hope that makes sense the way I worded it.
