I asked H last night if he was still scheduled to come home December 9th.  His response was that it has been requested that he stay until the 21st with the possibility of going back and he has agreed to this.  Never before has he agreed to something like this without consulting me first.  He claims that they are running behind schedule and that there has been a lack of confidence expressed in the engineering manager in charge of the construction phase and that they are asking him to provide additional support in that arena.  For obvious reasons I have serious objections to him staying one second longer than is absolutely necessary and I question whether it is critical to the project that he remain there or if he could just as well provide support from here in the States.  After all it is the electronic age.  My gut is telling me he is creating reasons for them to keep him there.  I have also heard (not from him) that there is a possibility that he is pursuing other opportunities/projects that can keep him in Australia.

It is his birthday and I have been trying for hours to get a hold of him to wish him a happy birthday and he is not answering his phone.  I am now beginning to believe that he has made his decision and is placating me until the time that he can file for divorce.

Thank goodness I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow as at the moment I am a complete basket case.

I wish things were going better for you Cat. Your whole work situation and the Australia thing has always freaked me out. I don't know how you do it. I hope this all resolves itself for you one way or another. You are a strong woman and I wish the best for you.

I think it would be incredibly difficult for him not to pursue this other woman when he's on the other side of the planet from you. But, that's just my thought. He seems to be a weak minded man. Lost and confused. He'd certainly be a better man if he was living with you, you could shape him up pretty quick, but I don't know how you can expect to do that from afar.

Take care, one day at a time, one step at a time.

Just sending ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))...sorry you are hurting.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

(((Chris))) Though your husband is offering a work-related reason for the extension, you've phrased this new information as something that he "requested and agreed" to. Perhaps it would be one thing if it was an order from a superior, but he "requested" the additional time there? There is no hidden message under that - - it actually sounds pretty clear. And the fact that he's told you this includes the possibility of going back is more of this same clear message. This is highlighted again by not discussing it with you. He is making a choice to stay and isn't looking for your input.

I guess I'm wondering a couple of things. Do you think that, in his warped state, he thinks he's doing a good thing by being home in time for Christmas? By not filing for divorce prior to the holidays hitting? Is his pattern of behavior one in which he always has to be the good guy - the one who saves the company? the one who won't file for divorce? the one who's constantly placating everyone because he can't stand conflict? The one who won't say no to OW because he can't abide anyone's pain, sadness or anger at him?

And, Chris, underneath everything do you still believe he truly loves you? Is he doing anything at all to support the idea of those feelings?

I know this situation would be intolerable for me. I'd have cracked a long time ago. I hate what he is doing to you and your family. I am furious at how he is taking advantage of you. And it is, of course, so incredibly sad.

I can't remember if you've met with an attorney yourself yet. If you haven't, is it time to go and just get information about your rights and what you can do to protect and prepare yourself if this situation continues to play out as you fear? Or are you at a point where you want to continue to wait your H out?

My wild daydreaming/imagining have you and your kids go for an extended visit with him...maybe even telling him you've made your own decision: you're staying in Australia until he's done with the project! (Yes, the reality is your D is in college and your S has his own school and personal committments. Still, I don't think your H clearly sees what he's doing to the entire family).

Good luck with the therapy session. I hope you are able to find clarity there. I wish I could offer more than support and understanding for your pain. This situation he's put you in is torturous. ((Chris)) BlueIris


"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Blue Iris.  Thankyou for your advice.  I have edited the post to clarify that he said that the PM has requested that he stay longer and possibly return.  Probably a Freudian slip on my part as I do suspect that he did not directly request it but probably made it known that he would not object to staying longer.

"Do you think that, in his warped state, he thinks he's doing a good thing by being home in time for Christmas? By not filing for divorce prior to the holidays hitting? Is his pattern of behavior one in which he always has to be the good guy - the one who saves the company? the one who won't file for divorce? the one who's constantly placating everyone because he can't stand conflict? The one who won't say no to OW because he can't abide anyone's pain, sadness or anger at him?"

SPOT ON!   He has always needed to be the "hero", can't stand being the "bad guy" and most definitely avoids conflict.

For various reasons the advice of my therapist has been not to move towards or threaten divorce.  But based on this new information and H's actions since he returned after his last visit I cannot see how I cannot take steps to protect myself. 

When he was home he clearly demonstrated that he loved me and that he was fearful of losing me, however all of his actions since his return are in direct conflict of that.  How much of this has to do with the influence of the OW or his true feelings? I don't know.

His direct superior here in the States has checked in with me periodically to see how I am doing.  (As far as I know he is not aware of the situation) He is very sensitive to the difficulties and hardships caused by extended assignments.  Last night I received a letter from him that was cc'd to my supervisor and HR file thanking me for not only the support I have provided to the project but the personal sacrifice also.  I IM'd him a thankyou as it is very timely input for annual reviews.  We started chatting (in the strictest of confidence) and I did ask him to find out if it would be possible for H to continue to provide the requested support from here in the States instead of extending his stay in Australia.  At least I will get an honest evaluation as to whether yet another extension is critical to the success of the project or if this is just something H wants to do.

Right now I feel as if I am in a boxing match blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.  I am just so completely and utterly frustrated right now. 

Dear Chris, So sorry that you are having a tough time though it is totally understandable. I continue to marvel at your ability to remain sane and deal with the situation, keeping your needs and your dignity in mind.
I think that feeling of powerlessness is one of the most awful so many of us experienced. I like to control situations and my H's infidelities are just out of my control. But you do have the power to do what is right for you. And, with the help of your therapist, I hope you can figure out what that is. It may take some time but eventually, you will know what is right and when it is right to do it.
My thoughts and admiration are with you.

(((((Chris)))))

As you know I am in something the same situation, with my H spending a lot of time on the other side of the world and a history of using his time away from me to pursue OW. So I do really understand what you are going through. The uncertainty and the opportunity for H to massage the truth is so demeaning and debilitating. And knowing that he has an excuse to be with OW because of professional obligations (as with my H) is so hard to accept. I'm not telling you anything you don't know, just letting you know you are not alone. If I can help in any way, let me know.

Liz

Hey Chris,

Just wanted to send you a (((hug))), I have no words of wisdom or advice to share with you, but just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you are facing such a dilemma. Sending good thoughts and prayer your way.