H came over yesterday so we could have our talk. It started as a nice civil talk, lots of understanding, clarity
H said:
he felt like now, more than ever, he understands what is means to be a husband
he knows knows that it was he who was failing to participate in our m
that he hates our situation said i shouldn't be living here by myself, he shouldn't be at his parents
talked a lot about the A and how stupid it was, how selfish it was, and clearly stated that it had nothing to do with me or our m - had everything to do with his insecurities
said that everything he blamed on our M wasn't even real - said that he was so f***** up that he's not even sure those issues exsisted in the first place
said that he was ready to move on with life, quit his job
told me how attracted he was to me
how amazing i was
Everything a BS would want to hear right? He then proceeded to tell me that he was here to tell me that he wanted a divorce.
my heart is shattering. i can't breathe, i can't believe its happening.
I thought we were going to make it through this. In my heart, deep down, i REALLY thought we'd make it through.
I dont understand. I don't understand how my H can recognize everything that was good about our M and see where we may have failed...and he doesn't want to try.
He says he "needs to find himself."
I didn't think my heart could break anymore. I feel so lost.
((((Ka)))) I cannot understand either why he would lift your hopes up and say all those things then blindside you with requesting a D. I know how confused and hurting you are right now. I have no words of wisdom or advice. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
The first was that he sounds like he's giving you the "it's not you, it's me" speach. The other is that he really hasn't learned anything at all, and it's still all about him and what he wants.
I've seen situations where a WS tries to punish themself in order to keep their BS from "punishing" them (as if what the BS goes through is for punishment purposes). It can draw upon a BS's strong ambivilance, especially the feelings of guilt over the anger felt toward the WS. However, if you husband isn't bluffing, that really doesn't make much sense.
No matter what, when it comes right down to it his actions and his words don't mesh. If he feels remorse and appreciates you, then I believe he should be working to reconcile with you, not end the relationship.
Dear Ka,
I am so, so sorry you are hurting so much. My heart was breaking just reading what you are going through. Tears literally welled up as I remembered that feeling of not being able to breathe, not being able to take in what I was hearing, feeling just broken.
It sounds to me like your H is taking the cowardly way out. It takes so much more courage to work on a M, fight for what you want, take the idea of commitment seriously and work through all those tough issues. For all of us trying to reconcile, it would have been so much easier to walk away from the pain. Maybe it is just easier for him to leave the shame of his behavior behind...but in doing so, he is leaving behind the possibility of a stronger M and the love of a wonderful woman. Maybe he will come to that realization himself. Regardless, please take care of yourself....get help from friends or IC, get medication if you believe in it...whatever happens, you have the comfort of knowing that you are brave and strong and are willing to face the issues in your M and not run away from them.
I also understand the idea of feeling lost -I think that I used those same words in an IC session. All the guideposts of my life were gone and I didn't know the way back to sanity. There was nothing I could count on. I am slowly realizing that I am what I can count on and I will be the navigator of my life, rebuilding guideposts in a new and healthier way.
thanks for your thoughts - i just talked to my H this morning. He basically told me that he is constantly battling with himself and about how he feels. Said that he was convinced that he wanted a D, but when he sees me and spends time with me, it all becomes confusing and things don't seem clear anymore.
I don't understand why my H says all the hopeful things to me. i think he is trying to show me that he has changed from the jerk he portrayed this summer. I think he wants me to know that HE gets it and understands - wants me to know that he is not pointing a finger at me or our m.
It is all about him - he has said this to me and i recognize it.
So, where does that fit into a m? A man who is struggling to figure out who he is?
I know what is going on - i know my H loves me, i know we could have something wonderful together...I know my H is scared of himself, scared of the person he became, scared that things will go back to the way they were and he will feel trapped and unhappy again. I know that is where his hesitation lies.
He is taking the cowardly approach. He is more concerned about discovering himself and making himself happy than making our M stronger. When I said to him last night that fighting for our M would take more strength and courage than D, he disagreed me with. I think my H feels like taking our M would be settling.
I think we have two different views.
So, where does that leave me? Confused and heartbroken as always. I was hating limbo but the thought of divorce makes me sick, makes me pound my hand on the floor and just say NO NO NO like a child. In love? Stubborn? Fighting for something I believe in?
I do love my H. I really do. I would fight for our M. I wish my H would allow me to help him within our M. I wish he didn't feel like it had to be one or the other.
I WISH MY LIFE WASN'T SUCH A DAMN MESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dearest Ka, I am so sorry about this newest pain. I'm going to agree with Susan on this one; your H's behavior all along has been one of running away. It feels like this is just another way of him doing that. I think deep inside he does understand it would be a lot of hard work to keep working on R and M and its just easier to not do that. Leaving the M gives him an opportunity to NOT focus on what happened and fixing it. This is devestatingly sad for you and him...but it also bodes badly for his future. If he buys into this other form of running away behavior, he simply is continuing behavior that will haunt whatever business and personal relationships he has. If he truly had learned anything from this situation, it should have been that you can't run and hide from the harder parts of life.
Is your H doggedly determined to go this route, or is he voicing his current feelings with the notion that those feelings are as subject to change as the wind?
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Ka. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
This message has been edited by BlueIris22 on Nov 4, 2007 12:37 PM
KA,
I have been thinking about you this morning and had another thought -
Do you think your H wants you to tell him how much you want the M, that you are prepared to work on it, no matter how painful, that it is worth fighting for?
I remember that I used to tell H that I wanted out - but what I really wanted was for him to tell me that he loved me and would be there for me. Sort of like a suicidal person's cry for help - though it is about the death of a M and the hope that someone cares enough to keep it alive.
Sounds to me like MC would be a great way for both of you to figure out what the best course would be. I can't remember if you have tried that route or if it worked for you.
I can feel your bewilderment and pain and I wish I could make it better. Always here to listen.
My goodness BlueIris, I think those are the EXACT words my H used himself -- his feelings are subject to change with the wind... And since his feelings change with the wind, I am left to wonder each day who I will be talking with and how he will be feeling at that particular moment.
When i wrote this morning, I should've clarified (though i was too hysterical) that my H said that after his weekend away, he had come my way with intentions of D. Once he got here and had me in front of him and our life staring him in the face, that feeling became fuzzy and confusing.
We talked this morning and he said things didn't seem so clear anymore. He saw that i had packed his things up and put them in a closet and that was like a smack of reality to him. He saw that i had redecorated and he felt really strange about it. I also told him that if he was going to continue to be in limbo, then i would be free to explore what else was out there and that threw him for a loop.
I don't think my H knows exactly what he is asking for. Because we are a big piece of each other's lives and I KNOW that he depends on me and counts on me being there more than he even realizes.
I think the "out of sight out of mind" is what is playing out here - and when reality is in front of him, and he has me in front of him, he feels differently.
He ran from the situation, he ran from me and our M because it was easier for him. And yes, I agree with both you and Susan that he continues to run.
I feel a little bit more grounded at the moment. Went to sleep and woke up feeling hysterical. But I'm really, really trying to put things in perspective and understand WHY my H is all over the place -- and what i can do about it.
I'm in such a tough place because i DO NOT want a D. I feel that very deeply in my heart. Do i want an ambivalent H that continues to make me feel crazy because of his mixed up mind. No, i don't want that either.
Do i continue to let time play this out??? We are meeting up again today. Yesterday's conversation had too many conflicting emotions, too many conflicting words - about knowing what it takes to be a husband...but then throwing out the word divorce? Huh.
I feel a bit more in control at the moment to go talk to H about some clarification here. It does not help that we are living two hours apart right now and have to schedule each other in like appointments. It is adding to the tension and confusion.
I know I should be walking away from this. My gut and heart are battling with this. I think i am waiting for this lightning bolt to hit me and tell me a clear answer. I know i need to get on with my life...i just so desperately wish my H wanted to join me
just read your last message. Its very funny that you wrote that because this morning, I woke up and wrote H a truthful email about my feelings for him.
I had been holding back a lot. My guard has been up and I have been very careful about what I've said. I've been scared of rejection, of feeling like a fool who "shouldn't" be loving someone that did this to me. I didn't want to seem too passive or accepting...so i haven't said a lot. Like you said, I wanted HIM to be the one to come and say those things to me.
But today, I did tell him. When we talked this morning he thanked me for the email and said that is was "powerful" that he had been reading it over and over again, said that he needed to know how i really felt about him and our M.
I'm not afraid to tell him anymore. I almost feel better doing it because if we are getting a D, at least I can feel that i tried everything and that i did not leave this M without a fight. It will be his decision...and he will have to live with that.
This message has been edited by Ka18 on Nov 4, 2007 1:45 PM
Ka - sorry I missed you in chat.
I think many of us feel that we "shouldn't" love someone who betrayed us and treated us so badly and cruelly. I have often said that I feel that our M has come at the expense of my self respect. So, I will tell you what friends and IC have told me and I am gradually starting to believe.
It IS much easier to walk away than it is to fight and negotiate a M. We are brave and courageous and willing to face pain and life in the face.
We are fighting for what we want, not for what someone else wants. We are going after what we think will make us happy and that is a sign of strength not weakness. Acknowledging our feelings and not being afraid to express them is also a sign of strength and healthy thinking. For some, that fight means working on the M while for others, it may mean finding a new life without H. The important thing is to do what you think is right for you.
We are willing to accept,maybe even forgive, what I thought pre-A to be unacceptable and unforgivable. That does not make us weak - it makes us generous and compassionate. I have tried to think of myself as someone with tremendous dignity and to behave that way.
I think we have all learned how important honesty is to a M. And, that means that we have to hold ourselves to the same standard. So, I think it is great that you are telling H how you feel. You can't control his response but you can, as you said, be proud of how you handled the situation and to know that you have been true to yourself, regardless of the outcome.
Life and marriage are not the fantasies we grew up with and I bought - hook, line and sinker. It is full of pain and disappointment alongside joy and success. And, it takes a lot of work and isn't always going to be wonderful. I think that both parties in a M need to understand that - I didn't and neither did my H. When things got tough, he had A's. Until he recognized that there will be ups and downs and that effort is required, there was no progress. Today, I still worry a bit about what will happen when we have new issues to deal with or a period of boredom. Hopefully, we have both learned enough to deal with those challenges in honest, constructive ways, though I am not ready to say that I trust my H yet.
And, the hardest thing of all for me is to recognize that WS are allowed to have feelings too. I expected my H to be on his hands and knees 24/7, asking my forgiveness. He wasn't allowed to have doubts, worries, needs,privacy. It was all about me and what he did to me and maybe that was right at the time. With some distance (over 2 years), I can now see that he also needed to retain a shred of self respect and that he was worried about whether we were too damaged to ever recover. But, I knew he was remorseful and he hung in there, though I can now accept that it was tough going for him too and that, like me, there were many times when he thought that I would never get over it and that, for him, staying in the M would mean a life of shame and punishment. My H did not share those feelings with me in the early months of horror - maybe it is good that your H IS talking to you about his doubts. And, maybe, by being honest, you can help him deal with the doubts in a mature way. My H did not become a man until he dealt with our R and faced his demons- he was an out of control adolescent in his fifties - and today, he can see that and acknowledges how reckless and immature he was.
All that said, the pain of what you are going through is sharp and stabbing and takes your breath and sanity away. I am so sorry and I understand.
This message has been edited by selfesteemseeker on Nov 4, 2007 4:18 PM
H and I met up again last night and both admitted that after our 8 hour marathon of talking on Sat. that things seemed to get angry, emotional, unfocused -- we do this a lot. He is not here so when we get together, its like we have to squeeze in every emotion, and thought during our time together. I hate it. And it usually turns ugly which it did on Sat. night.
When my H told me that he came with intention of D, I just went crazy. I couldn't believe that we could JUST have this wonderful conversation about strengthening our M and then he would say "well, truthfully, i came here to talk D." I went mad and obviously became very emotional.
Last night, H and I calmly met again. Went to a cafe. H said that he needed to have it be said. That he needed D to be a possible reality to see if it was really what we wanted- almost to fit it on like a glove. Told me that he needed to see how I reacted, how it felt to him - he needed to know if it was what he wanted - because we have certainly been tossing the idea around, but not acting one way or the other.
He told me that he needed to see me emotionally still involved. Because if I hadn't reacted the way I did, and if he hadn't felt the feeling that it wasn't truly something he wanted either, then last night's encounter would have been very different. And meeting calmly across a table on Sunday would have looked very different as well.
He told me that he could sit in front of me now and honestly say that it didn't feel right to him. That he didn't know what the future held, but at this time, he was not ready for a D.
I understood what he was saying. But as I sit here, emotionally drained, a night full of nightmares, and dreading going to work in a few hours, i wonder...is that cruel...or is it just the way it had to be??
Do we have to put divorce out there to see how strongly we would react? The conversation went well last night -- and i do have to say that for once, H articulated himself very well and i really understood him. But am I being sucked into his emotional torture again?
I walked away from our conversation feeling like it was a strong one. But as I drove off towards OUR home, and he once again took off in the opposite direction, I started to feel like an emotional punching bag.
I'm not sure if I'm being overly dramatic or overly justified. I am going to fully admit that my H and I have never had the most mature of relationships. We met when we were very young and I think we fell into a pattern of treating each other like boyfriend/girlfriend, rather than understanding what a deep, mature, M was all about.
I can't decide whether this talk of D HAD to happen to make us both think -- is that the way it has to be? Do I need to stop ignoring that harsh reality, stop being in denial that it actually could be a possibility. Or is my H using me and my emotions while he "figures out what HE wants." I just don't know. Thank goodness for IC tomorrow.
This was a long post...it felt good to get this all out though. Any thoughts are welcomed!!!
Edited to add -- Susan, thanks so much for your words. I can relate to what you are saying and feel thankful for the validation. sorry i missed you in chat!
This message has been edited by Ka18 on Nov 5, 2007 5:06 AM
The answer is yes, he is being cruel. I don’t know whether it is exactly intentional or not, but he is definitely toying with your emotions for his benefit. Either that, or he is still in the affair, and he is still fence sitting. He is holding all the cards, and he appears to like his position. You are so justified in feeling like you are being used as an emotional bunching bag.
I hope IC goes well. I hope your IC is working with you to help you learn to focus on your self, and set you marriage on the back burner for now. Often, when we have been betrayed, we become centered completely on saving/fighting for the marriage, and we loose ourselves in that battle. Our perspective gets skewed. Step back from the M ka, what will be will be. You do not need to hold on so tightly. The flip side is when you loosen up he will feel you stepping back. At first he is most assuredly going to up the anti with more elaborate emotional manipulations, but then he may sit back and realize this isn’t all about him and his mind games. At that point, hopefully he will look at things more realistically and stop the shenanigans.
I had a thought, you mention that you have an immature relationship with your H, which is not so unusual. If your H is willing, you might try Retrouvaille, It will help build a sounder way of communicating intimately, without the big highs and lows your H seems to like so much.
Good morning, Ka. I'm hoping you were able to sleep better last night. Quite a weekend you had. I hope you know how much we're all pulling for you and for your happiness.
It was great to see Ami's suggestion about Retrouvaille. This might be a way for the two of you to work on the M that won't be as scary a proposition for your H. I would imagine he fears facing you and a therapist to go over his mistakes and shortcomings. However, Retrouvaille may seem to him less confrontational and more a place where you are jointly working towards bettering your communication and connection. Though I haven't been there myself, there are many here who have and speak of the experience quite highly.
Ami's perception of your H's behavior is slightly different than mine. Though certainly his choices have been torturous for you, I don't know that the words "cruel" and "toying" necessarily ring true from my perspective. I don't know that your H enjoys the highs and lows - I think he's just stuck in patterns he's used to survive all his life. His ingrained behavior of running away in addition to wanting to see your feelings before he was willing to commit to R kind of speak to me of a child's way of coping.
If your H had his s#$t together and was mature and adult, I'd lean more towards the notion of him really playing you. But I don't think he came into the marriage emotionally healthy or grown-up and it just continues to play out badly because its hard for anyone to change lifelong coping strategies...even when those patterns destroy lives.
Maybe I'm just caught up in semantics this morning. For whatever reason, I feel like your H isn't trying to be controlling...other than wanting very much to protect himself from having to face what he's done. I PRAY that the A isn't still going on and that he isn't playing you. Maybe I'm naive; Ami's certainly seen much more of the spectrum of A's and recovery.
You've mentioned a couple of times that both of you may have some emotional growing up to do. For yourself, what changes would that mean for you? What would you like to see your H do?
I'm also wondering if either of you brought up the topic of him coming back home. You guys need more than a once or twice a week "appointment" with each other.
I hope the week goes well for you, Ka. As difficult as all the discussion was, I think its awesome you two are talking about your feelings. Fondly, BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Very sorry for your pain. Hope better days are ahead.
I can't think of anything more cruel than what your husband is doing right now to his partner in a relationship. Basically he is saying 'I don't know if I love you or not but I want you to love me, I don't want to fight but I want you to fight for me'.
He needs to take responsibilities and you need to protect yourself from him draining you and dragging you down.
I have to agree Ka with you and everyone above, your H is doing exactly that; he's got that pattern of acting very well established and it will take an earthquake to jolt him out of it.
I empathise totally with your comment 'his feelings change with the wind'...sounds like your H is a different person depending on where he is and who he's with, hmm? that's all too familiar to me >
I can soooo also agree with your 'waiting for the lightning bolt' - I too have wished so hard for one of those! - as getting my heart to agree with my head has been near-impossible, a decent whack of electricity seems to be what it would take. I've been working instead on building up a new life so that H's doings and actings-out don't hurt me so much, because they can't.
It took my H over 3 years to say he wanted to be with me, not D'd...and by then I had managed to get enough perspective on the whole thing to see just how far he had to go for us to be in
anything like the same space. The picture wasn't, and isn't, promising. Ami is so right on perspective...we get blinded and snowed in by fear and reaction and lose the ability to think
and plan. Ami is also right, immaturity is not unusual at all...sadly...'adults' so often still act like children, especially in relationships.
I'm glad your H is talking, but I know you must despair at what he says.
There are some useful 'clues' in Wexler's book 'When good men behave badly'; you might like to take a look at that.
I feel so numb today - like i have been battered and bruised.
I know I am losing sight of myself, my happiness and how things should be. You're right - i find myself becoming consumed in H's comments, actions, his changing behaviors -- I'm becoming that shell of myself again.
I was so emotional and distraught when H brought up D. Today I just feel exhausted - feeling numb like whatever, i don't care.
I sent my H that link that Ami sent me about retrouvaille. I had mentioned this to him months ago and he flat out refused and was very uncomfortable. I just got an email from him now, saying that he wanted to take a "serious" look at it and would like to research it more. Promising. Not holding my breath though.
I don't think my H is intentionally being cruel. I really think that in his mind, he thinks he is doing the right thing by making sure that this is really what we both want.
It doesn't change the fact though that it FEELS cruel and H just doesn't get it.
I'm just so tired today. Just want to curl up into a ball and have all this misery disappear.
Your pain touches us all, and makes me feel so badly for what you are going through.
Please, take care of yourself. This will pass with the outcome, right now, unknown. But it won't last forever. You will feel a ray of sunshine somewhere down the future, and life WILL be better for you, of that, I guarantee.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I am so, so sorry that you are in such pain. It is such a turbulent surreal time. If you can, please try to take care of yourself. I know, it sounds so shallow and pat when all you want to do is scream and cry.
I agree with Blue, as always. I don't think your H is intending to be cruel. My H never intended to hurt me with his A's. I do think they need to face up to the consequences of their behavior - something my H never was able to do until after D day. So, regardless of what happens, this can be a time of great growth for each of you individually and for the M, if that is what you decide together to pursue.
I wish you lots and lots of strength and send you lots and lots of love.
I don’t want you to think that I do not have compassion, for either your anguish or your husband’s, because I assure you I do. I see both sides. You asked if your H was being cruel, I answered honestly, I think he is. I do not believe that he sets out to hurt you, nor do I think he has begun to see how badly he has hurt you or how badly he continues to do so. I do however, believe he does intend to emotionally manipulate situations, at times he has control, but more often he seems to loose it. The end result, whether intended or not is cruelty.
This is his and your cycle, you are as much a part of it as he is, and this means you have the power to stop your end of it. Slowly, very slowly you can do this. Your counselor should be able to help you here. In addition, there is a book called “The Dance of Intimacy” by Harriet Lerner that is most helpful with cycles.
It troubles me, to see you hurting so much. You are much more than a partner in a marriage. Your life can and will find fullness again whether you and your H reconcile or not. To heal from infidelity, I believe that each BS needs to accept themselves as an entity on to themselves, separate from the marriage. We need to go there, to picture ourselves out of the marriage, and learn to be Ok with that picture. I love my husband dearly, as I know you love your husband dearly, but I am prepared, indeed, I had to prepare myself to walk away from him and be confident in my ability to heal myself. I don’t expect you to be able to do this anytime soon. Only, just let the concept settle in and find a place in your mind. When you are ready, you will begin to toy with it, and not fear it so much.
Susan,
I wanted to comment on your post where you said.
My H never intended to hurt me with his A's.
I don’t wish to try to make you belief that he did, only that I know that my H did on one level wish to hurt me. We have discussed this angle at length. H had built up a lot of resentment towards me through the 20 years we were together. One of his justifications, among the many, was that he was getting me back. I would not be surprised to see this aspect of the WS’s feelings be prevalent in many, but certainly not all. Another twist on the intentional hurt is they did not intentionally try to protect us either. In this way they allowed the hurt to happen. Even if they never intended us to find out, they didn’t make sure the hurt wasn’t possible.
Ka - I think you said it better than any of us here could have:
"I don't think my H is intentionally being cruel. I really think that in his mind, he thinks he is doing the right thing by making sure that this is really what we both want.
It doesn't change the fact though that it FEELS cruel and H just doesn't get it."
It is this thoughtless (without thought of us), heartless (without concern for us) behavior by WS's that feels cruel to us BS's. I don't think there is necessarily an underlying maliciousness or vengefulness. I know very, very assuredly that wasn't the case in my situation. I know that as well as Ami knows her H was trying to get her back from grudges he was holding onto. I agree with Ami that whether there is/was a punitive element within a spouse's reasoning behind an A or not, the shared agony for all of us as BS's is that our spouse's did not protect us from something that never, ever should have happened.
Dear Ka, were you able to just curl up today and nurture yourself? You have been so much on my mind...on many of our minds, it seems. Wishing you peace. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
My exH acted the same way and left me thinking we would be getting back together and working things out, and then would say he wanted a divorce.
With him two things were going on.......first of all he couldn't deal with the guilt and second of all he was still seeing the OW. That's why his feelings were so confused. When he spent time with me he realized why he loved me and then he would go spend time with her and it would remind him that he couldn't have his cake and eat it to.
My best advice after having dealt with a situation similar......words are only words, actions speak loud and clear. Focus on what he is doing and close your ears to what he says.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I am taking this day to calm down (as much as i can). I really want to use the day to think and try to take some baby steps for a plan for myself.
I don't want a D but I do agree with you Ami, I think my H is being cruel and manipulative -- not intentionally, but he is certainly calling all the shots here and keeping me hanging on while he sorts out his feelings.
Its like my H is thinking out loud. He's battling and arguing with himself and I get to hear all of it. Which makes me feel confused and lost and hurt.
I have asked my H if the OW is still in the picture. He repeatedly says no...but, my gut tells me that he is not being truthful. Maybe she is out of the picture in a physical sense, but I wonder if she is still there in his mind and heart. Of course, i just have no way of knowing.
And Kid, your last line in your post REALLY stuck with me. The comment about looking for actions and ignoring the words. It is SO SO true. My H has soooo much to SAY - phone calls, emails, for an hour or two here and there -- but where is he? Where are the actions that tell me that his heart is still with me? I don't see enough of the actions to match the words.
When it comes to the two of us, we have both completely walked down seperate roads these past few months. My heart never left this M, I am here in our home, still carrying hope, still in bewilderment that my (what i thought was happy) M disappeared over night.
My H on the other hand completely stepped out of this M, convinced himself that he didn't want it anymore, and over the months has SLOWLY been seeing that maybe he was wrong. For him, these baby steps that he had taken are meaningful for HIM. Because he came from a place where he had convinced himself that our M was over, to now questioning if that is what he really wanted.
He sometimes acts like I don't appreciate those baby steps and I have often sarcastically replied, what? you want me to throw you a parade for meeting up with me and having honest conversations like you are supposed to have as my H?!?
We are on such different pages.
I don't want a D and reacted so strongly against it this weekend. But I'm falling apart. I think its time for me to stop waiting for my H to take action. I think i need to start making some requests/demands and if they are not met, figure out what comes next.
It has been 7 months of crying myself to sleep and i am just so exhausted. It's affecting my relationships with other people, my job, my health. How much more can i endure? UGH. I hate feeling this confused
Wishing you peace. BlueIris 