What an incredlbe ride of emotions this has been. This past weekend left me shaken. I stayed in bed for most of the day yesterday...then had a GREAT IC session, I'm so thankful that I'm going. I left feeling so much more grounded and clear headed.
I called me H and just did not hold back. Basically said everything that I've said here and included the feedback that i kindly got from so many of you. It felt good - and i felt so emotionally beaten that it all needed to be said.
My H responded very positively to it. Recognized that what we've got going here is NOT working and said that he was committed to figuring it out together.
Tonight he called and asked if he could come up this weekend to stay. Mind you, not for good, but almost as a baby step.
Spend the weekend together without deadlines, without him driving off. We have not lived in the same house for 4 months now. For us, this is a big step.
Is it enough for me? No. But, I'm also trying to be appreciative that this is a HUGE step for my H to initiate this interaction.
I have another wedding on Sat. and I'm pretty sure that I don't have the strength in me to sit there, dateless, through the vows and happiness. H actually offered to go but said that he wasn't sure if that was the best first step to facing my family again. I absolutely agree...and was ASTOUNDED that he would actually offer.
This has been such a difficult time for us. And I am SO scared. When he ever asked to come up this weekend and stay, my heart skipped a beat. Its what i have wanted but now that i'm faced with it, i am so scared. Unbelievably so. My heart is so guarded and I'm petrified of being hurt again.
Part of me feels like I should be saying, no, that's not good enough. If you're coming back to this house, you need to come committed to stay.
And then the other part of me knows that this is a process and that it's a huge step for my H who if famously known for running, running, running.
So - i have a very unpredicable, unnerving weekend ahead of me. I pray that i do not get hurt.
This message has been edited by Ka18 on Nov 7, 2007 6:24 PM
I have been following your story/your pain/your excitement. Take one step at a time, and expect NOTHING. It seems to me that you need to decide what it is YOU want.
If YOU want to retry your relationship, then go for it. It won't be easy. There's no smooth sailing ahead.
If YOU are unsure, test out the waters. Too cold? Too hot? Keep a clear head.
I think you've already decided that YOU don't want to give up...so I won't even go there.
My only advice in all of this is that you think. THINK! Use your head. THINK about what it is YOU want. THINK about how YOU can react/adjust/accept...
And then...WHATEVER you decide... GO SLOWLY!
This has been a long time coming...and it will take a long time going.
YOU are in charge of YOU! It is only YOUR behaviors that you control.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
Listen to your heart but follow your head. Pause after each step you take and thoroughly test the ground beneath your feet before you take the next step. If the ground is moving and shifting stay in that spot, or even take a step back. Continue forward only when the ground beneath is firm and stable.
This all definitely needs to be about YOU and only what YOU need. Nurture yourself, be kind to yourself, and most of all think for yourself. My Mom would always tell me if it is meant to be, it will be. It won't be forced and it won't be ignored.
I hear you... I am very guarded. My H and I go from discussing D on Sat. to having him ask to stay this weekend? At least I am at the point where I really am expecting nothing, just willing to play this weekend out and see what this is really about.
I don't trust him - how could I? I have seen little action from him.
But, I'm going to give this weekend a chance because this is the first time my H is initiating ACTION, rather than just writing me sappy, emotional emails or talking on the phone. Its what i've been hoping for so...I'll take a deep breath and dive into this weekend with an open mind.
I reminded my H that spending 2 days together was not going to produce miracles. I hope he has some clear understanding too.
Thanks for your concern. I know my H has really played with my emotions, not intentionally, but I know he's capable of it -- I guess this weekend will just be another step in one direction.
I hope.
This message has been edited by Ka18 on Nov 8, 2007 5:49 AM
I just wanted to wish you strength as you face this first baby step...no matter what happens you will be fine. Yes, you may get hurt but it is a risk you seem willing to take. Just remember to take it SLOW..very slow.
Best wishes & ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
sometimes i feel like i need to take a leave from work -- i'm finding it harder and harder to go
has anyone done this? but what would i do with my time away? cry and feel sorry for myself?
Agonizing over H coming this weekend - this slow and tedious process, i feel like this has been the longest week of my life - i think i'm slowly falling apart.
I often felt like I could no longer go to my job...teaching. It was especially difficult as I neared the date of my retirement, because word had spread, and my students knew of my H's A...and with whom.
BUT...despite the fact that I maintained my positive outlook, my upbeat teaching methods...I know it was hard. It was a mask, a public face. But what was the option? Like you say, stay home and cry?
I simply would not let that be an option. After all, what had I done wrong? Nothing! I deserved no pity, no tears, no rumors. I look back now, and I know to continue working was the right thing to do...being around kids is the best!
It's Friday, and I'm thinking about how stressed you are just thinking about the weekend. Sigh. That's what you need. To sigh...and relieve anxiety. How about a good workout? Redirect your thoughts today!
KA, I can relate to what you are feeling. I did not quit my job but I was not "there." Frankly, I should have been fired - I was so distracted, came in late, left early. Luckily, I have a long history where I work and have built up credibility over the years so I could coast.
I did that for about 6 months and am really glad that I was able to. Having my career allows me to feel independent of H - no matter what happens, I have an income and a place to go every day. Also, the daily routine of getting dressed and going to work gave my life some semblance of order and normalcy.
You need to figure out what you need to get through each day, whether it is the structure of a job or the freedom to do what you want. I have been thinking about you and hope that things get better.
