When you can't seem to find it in yourself to love your S anymore, where do you go from there? I care about H in some ways and I feel sorry for him in some ways, but I don't think that I can get back those "lovin' feelings" again. Or the trust. We are still living together, we talk to each other and he even makes me laugh sometimes. But I just don't trust him anymore and feel like he isn't a good role model for our children. I have a hard time believing he won't lie anymore. The way he responds to questions about his lying at MC has kind of shown me that he doesn't really see that what he is doing (the lying and being sneaky) is wrong. He gives the excuse that he lied "because he knew I would be mad, wouldn't understand, etc" The blame for lying is thrown on me. As for why he had a secret "friendship" with OW that he still swears was only a friendship, that was because I am "jealous" and he knew I wouldn't understand why he had a woman for a friend. Oh excuse me, 2 women, maybe more! The immaturity and lack of accountability just makes me sick!
Although it scares me to think of getting a divorce I wonder if that really would be the best thing to do. I don't make much money and I would be mostly on my own with the kids. That worries me. I'm so tired of trying to figure it all out.
Sorry that you are feeling low. My only thought is that it is important to distinguish between what H thought when behaving inappropriately and what he thinks today. My H also made all kinds of excuses "then" but now is able to see them as excuses for the inexcusable. And, it took him a lot of time to get to that place. As long as it was my fault, he didn't have to look into his deep, dark places.
Only you can feel if H is remorseful or still holding on to old beliefs that take the spotlight off his issues.
I totally appreciate how difficult it is to make a decision when children and a family are involved. So, take your time in deciding what is right for you and your kids. There is no pressure to make a decision today. And, you will probably know when you are ready to commit to one direction or another.
Sounds like he isnt being honest with himself or you, and is definately not owning his behavior. Someone who does this blameshifting garbage really does not get it. What does your MC say? Does he/she make your H accountable in MC for his behavior and blaming? Is he in IC as well? He has a lot of issues with being accountable and lying. No one forces you to lie. Lying is a conscious choice, not a necessity...until he sees that, and makes a consious effort to change this thought process, I dont think anything is going to improve. How can it? He will continue to lie and blame you and you will continue to not trust him. Afterall, who can trust a liar or someone who cannot accept responsibility for their own actions?
I know with kids how hard this is. I am in a similar situation. My WH is a liar and an addict. Lying and addiction just go together...cant have one without the other. So in my case, nothing will improve until/if he gets into recovery. But the only way that is going to happen is if I uphold my boundaries. As in any situation where someone blames you for their choices, what other choice do you really have in the end except to uphold YOUR boundaries? If nothing changes, you will eventually do what you have to do, or accept that this is your life with this person. If lying is not acceptable and he isnt willing to change then remember that you have chocies as well to make. You may like those choices...but choices are always there, we just have to figure them out and make the right ones fro ourselves (and our children). Nothing says youi have to move on them or make those choices right now...when you are ready.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) I know none of this easy...
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
The MC has been addressing the issue of H's lying and has asked him what he intends to do to stop himself from lying. H didn't really have an answer except that he would "just stop lying." The MC told him that he would need to start telling the truth and deal with the consequences of his actions rather than lying and covering them up if he wanted to ever regain my trust. I think that would actually be pretty difficult for him because I think he's spent alot of years using that tactic as a means of not having to deal with uncomfortable situations and emotions. It's also a convenient way to do what he wants and not have to be accountable for it. I'm not feeling too hopeful at this point. In truth, I feel like giving up. I believe it would take alot of work on his part to change himself and I'm not sure he wants that enough(or at all). CAL I agree with what you wrote. Thanks for all your input
