3. You cheated on me again and I just can't forgive you....
4. I actually trust you know. I don't think you will cheat on me again, but, I still can' t forgive you. We can be best friends, but we can't be anything more than that. Why do I feel guilty about that?. I want to be with you, watch movies with you, go out to dinner with you, but I do not want to have sex with you. I want you as a friend, but not as a lover. My heart is now closed, my lower regions seems to be closed too.
Diana
This message has been edited by DianaHarley on Nov 14, 2007 7:18 PM
I hear ya! There is something that "clicks" inside of you...that just "shuts off" when you have taken all you can take. When someone cheats on you physically, you learn that sex is not the same as making love. Making love is special, and people who love you do not continue to cheat on you. And it hurts...so you shut that part down...you just dont want to be vulnerable or hurt anymore. You can forgive, time after time...but forgiving is not the same as forgetting is it?
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Yes, and it is not just women that this happens to but men too.
For me also I recognise something in me about trusting...Not trusting about the physical sex and that she may cheat again . No..This is about not trusting that she actually loves me deep down. Even if I recognise she could not love me due to her own problems I see and fear this so much that it takes away my desire to give in physical love making, to make myself vulnerable as men feel in making love and in its aftermath of repose. I fear treading down a path into the danger of being lost in a place where I am cold and alone afterwards
<<I fear treading down a path into the danger of being lost in a place where I am cold and alone afterwards>>
Wow Jerry....you describe how I felt after the last time me and my WH "made love". Instead of basking in the warm glow...you feel you are in a cold, dark place, and even though your spouse is right there with you, you still feel so alone...knowing they just dont feel the same way you do about making love....or about love for that matter...and it makes you feel vulnerable and scared to trust that very deep part of yourself with them.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Nov 15, 2007 3:24 PM
Diana, you nailed how I feel exactly! H and I have not had sex for 7 months or more. He hasn't asked me to yet, but I know it's coming, of course. We can go out and do things together, laugh, joke, watch tv together, etc but I have no desire to make love to him. In fact, I am really turned off by him. When he starts trying to kiss me I feel this awful panicky, smothered feeling. I want to yell "Get away from me!" The lack of trust just really kills the libido.
Yep, me too exactly..It has been a year and a couple of months since we last had sex...My H blames his unhappiness with our sex life on me, and says that was why he lied to me and cheated on me..
During the years of our marriage, I have known my H to have a pessimistic, complaining type personality, with a hot temper( during our courtship,he wasn't this way), and I thought that if I was a good enough wife, caring enough, or giving enough, that his temperament would change.
Although for the most part ,we can do day to day things together, and get along, I haven't been able to bring myself to have sex with him yet, and he has not yet shown me sincere remorseful feelings, or efforts in making the changes I have asked for. I think maybe that is why I don't find him attractive to make love with anymore, or share intamacy with...
Lisa
Many times the repulsiveness we feel about having sex or making love with our spouse after d-day is a normal response to the betrayal. Why would you want to be that intimate and vulnerable with someone who just broke your heart, not to mention your vows, and the BIGGIE...trust?!!! This is a self-protect mode. Until we feel the WS "get's it" and is remorseful, sometimes we just cant go here.
Then there are those of us (like me and my WH) who want to reclaim this right away and the "hystercial bonding" phase takes place, where you cannot get enough of each other on a sexual level. Like a "primal instinct". No matter the intentions of the WS or BS in doing this, it is just a phase and does not last long. Eventually the reality of what happened hits hard, and you are left to deal with your feelings.
Right now I am at a place where I do not want to make love or have sex with my WH....I have lost the desire, and this is a first for me! For me this has more to do right now with the role I feel I am playing in his eyes and how it makes ME feel. After the last betrayal (him lying about giving up drugs) I feel less like a spouse and lover and more like his mother. Why do I have to always point out what the right thing to do is, and set boundaries? He is like a child I have to discipline and who has no boundaries...has no clue waht is right or wrong. How am I supposed to feel sexual towards him when this is the role I am playing? I am not his mother! But I certainly don't feel like his lover when he puts me this position. My IC says this is a normal reaction.
Making love and having sex are two different things. The specialness we once felt as being our spouses one and only "lover" is now gone. They shared themselves with someone else in a way that was supposed to be exclusive between the two of us, whether it was an EA, PA or both. I would rather feel we are making love, not just having sex, but that is how it feels. And that's not what I want anymore. Me and my WH had sex throughout or whole marriage, even while he was cheating, so he did not cheat for the sex. Perhaps the excitement of sex with someone new was part of it, but it wasn't about not having good sex with me, or little sex with me....hell, it wasn't about me in any way. But maybe, just maybe, it had something to do with not "making love"....cause he wasn't feeling the love like I was...to him it was sex. This is something I am just now willing to explore. Because when it comes to sex and love, "things" can become very confusing between a couple. If he was just having sex with OW, was he making love to me? Hmmmmmmmmmm...I am not sure how to even begin sorting this one out as this was an issue I put on the backburner because the drugs were an issue we needed to deal with first before we could go deeper and explore the sex vs. making love issue. The drugs keep you from feeling your feelings which is what that is all about...so if he cant feel his feeling it makes it pretty hard to explore them <sigh>.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
